Friday, May 1, 2009

Story Time: The Tale of Sleeping Joe

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome and talented young prince named Joseph. Prince Joseph, or Prince Joe, to his myriad of friends and admirers, was loved and adored throughout the land--as much for his distinctive and meticulously groomed sideburns, as for the beautiful and magical songs that he sang. For while he did not particularly talk much (he really preferred reading quietly in hammocks),

Prince Joe did love to sing. And he had one song he sang more than the rest. It was an enchanted song. He sang it softly, so no one else really knew the words, but many townsfolk swore that the chorus went something like

“Call the games, and hit for average.
Trim the ‘burns, then drink a beverage,

But since he did sing it so softly, no one was willing to swear that those were the words. No matter what the words were though, and no matter how softly he sang, magical things happened when sang the enchanted tune.

Birds sang louder and sweeter.
Babies cooed and giggled, and never cried.
Farmers’ crops would grow greener.
All the food in the kingdom tasted like cotton candy and dreams.
And all the puppies and children in the land would follow him around, hanging on every note.

You should be on American Idol, Prince Joe!” the children would shout.

Woof Woof!” the puppies would bark in agreement.

Aw, shucks,” Prince Joe would say, and tip his cap to the crowd.

This went on for quite some time.

But one dark and stormy night, something went terribly, terribly wrong.

Prince Joe was quiet. Very quiet. Quieter than normal, which is saying quite a bit.

“Why isn’t Prince Joe singing?” asked the children quietly amonst themselves.

The puppies whined and whimpered with foreboding.

Prince Joe tried to sing, but nothing came out.

I don’t feel so good….” muttered Prince Joe, just before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

Prince Joe fell into a deep and mystical sleep, and could not be woken up by anybody.

Panic ensued.

Doctors and specialists from all over the kingdom visited Sleeping Joe. But no matter how much they poked, or how much they prodded, they could not provide a satisfactory explanation for exactly what was wrong with Prince Joe, what could have possibly caused it, or for how long he could be expected to be in this condition.

So Prince Joe slept on.

But without his enchanted song, the kingdom began to fall apart around him.

Everyone was fairly certain that the birds were chirping off-key. Babies seemed fussier and cried all the time. Farmers swore that their crops were half a shade duller.

People complained that the food in the kingdom no longer tasted like cotton candy and dreams, but rather reminded them of wet garbage and Pine-Sol.

And without Prince Joe to follow around, the children turned to vandalism for entertainment, while the bored puppies settled for defecating in neighbors’ gardens.

Things were a mess.

But then, one day, as mysteriously as the unexplained mystical illness appeared, it left. Prince Joe began to stir from his mystical slumber.

Oh my!” exclaimed the doctors and specialists.

Thank goodness!” shouted the farmers.

Hooray!” yelled the children, as they dropped their cans of spray paint.

Arf Arf!” barked the puppies, who were so excited to see Prince Joe that they peed a little.

SING THE MAGIC SONG, JOE!” cried everyone.

Save the kingdom, Joe!” screamed a particularly panicked Prince Joe Fan, wearing stick-on Prince Joe replica sideburns.

Aw, shucks,” said Joe. “I’ll try. But I’m kind of rusty.”

And Joe tried. He sang very, very softly. But the words definitely sounded something like

“Call the games, and hit for average. Trim the ‘burns, then have a beverage….”

There was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom. Brids chirped wildly, and in perfect hormony. The children and puppies were hanging on every note. One farmer swore his crops were once again a half shade greener. Babies cooed and giggled. But there was only one way to know for sure if the magic was back…..

“Somebody eat something!” yelled the panicky fan with fake sideburns.

One brave little boy picked up an apple, and took a big bite.

“Well,” he said, “it definitely doesn’t taste like wet garbage. Or Pine-Sol. So that’s a big step forward. I think I might taste a little cotton candy. And I’m sure I can detect a hint of dreams!”

“Huzzah!” cried the townsfolk.

Prince Joe was back. The magic song was back. Life was good again.

“Um…” Prince Joe cleared his throat. “You know, if I really did fix everything with my magic song….when my Princely contract runs out…..I think maybe you should pay me more. Since I am the only one who really knows the words and everything.”

“Yeah….sure…..we’ll talk about that later,” said the town elders.

“You wouldn’t want me to wander away and take my song somewhere else, like Boston for instance, would you?” Asked Prince Joe. “All the children and puppies would follow me, you know.”

“No, of course not. We’ll talk about it later, OK?”

And they would.

But for right now, everyone was content to bask in the magic of Prince Joe and his enchanted song.

Prince Joe would keep singing at least until 2011, barring any relapses of mystery illnesses or any pandemic flu outbreaks or American Idol auditions. And everyone would live happily ever after.

The End.

More Classic Tales:

Gardylocks and the Eight Dwarfs

The Boof Who Lost His Hair

The One Where I Artfully Compare Johan Santana to a Moo Cow

How Nick Punto Came to Be


Anonymous said...

This is awesome...and it made my day. And that is the most perfectly photoshopped crown I've ever seen on a man before. Well done, Those girls, well done. I take it you will be there tonight?? :D Slowey on the mound, and Joe pack at the plate, I don't know if I can handle that much baseball adorableness in one game...

Waterboy23 said...

I can't wait until tonight ! If you hear an off key - poorly put together sound coming from the Dome.. it may just be me trying to sign along. Twins game ! Yea !
Tnanks for the story oh wonderful Katie...2:48 am - wow !

Mh said...

Huzzah! Bravo Bravo....that made me happy like Gardy and the dwarfs made me happy......Thank you.

PatGLex said...

Ah, I wish I could be there. It's days like this that I still lived in Minnesota.... The story was fabulous; I could have sworn there was a faint perfume of Eau de Batgirl there too, mixed in with the cotton candy. As Len says on Dancing with the Stars: Well done!

Kristina said...

This is brilliant.

Katie said...

Thanks for the love, guys!

And thanks for appreciating the crown! We will not talk about just how much time I spent being picky and making that photoshop job PERFECT.

I won't be at the game, but I'll be there in spirit! And I will be doing a variety of Good Luck Kevin Slowey rituals as well.

Jeremiah said...

What? You're NOT going to see sidney Ponson pitch against the Twins? Could the streak be over?
As for your other challenge... seeing boys arm-wrestle over the baseball-boyfriend-worthiness of Carlos Gomez... I'm game!
Perhaps it could take place on one of those out-of-state business trips to another ballpark.

Oh, and fantastic story... kinda wish I had kids to tell them too (no sarcasm, I really mean that!)

Word: coesse
it's like caress, but with two people at the same time... (lame, sorry)

Waterboy23 said...

Arm-wrestle please... its beer pong or nothing ! I'm pretty sure Katie could take me in arm wrestling...

Katie said...

Well...not to brag, but I'm fairly confident I can take you in beer pong too.

Waterboy23 said...

Bring it ..girlie girl.
I'll be at gate F...oh wait your not going. hehe

Jeremiah said...

can't beer pong, might get swine flu.... or herpes...

word: kingumba
a youngling trying to say King Goomba.

Heidi said...

I want an illustrated copy of this story to read to my future children some day.