Thursday, April 16, 2009

Why can't you be more like Ian Kinsler?!

Minnesota Twins.

Have a seat.  

We need to chat.

I was really hoping it would not come to this.  But I'm afraid that after last night, you leave me no choice. goes.

I am very disappointed in your behavior.

I'm sorry to be so harsh.  But trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.  Remember that I only say it because I love you very much and I want you to be your best and to have all the respect I know you deserve.

But that won't happen when you play like that

According to the experts, when you're engaging in this sort of tough love dialogue, it is apparently very important to use "I Feel" statements.  They go like this:

When you ___________, I feel __________.  Instead, I wish you would __________.

So, here's mine:

When you don't score any runs for 8 innings, and lose the game 12 to2, I feel like pulling my hair out, dousing all of my furniture in rum, and setting it on fire.  Instead, I wish you would NOT lose games by double-digits and win them instead.

Whew.  OK.  I'm glad I got that off my chest.  It's good to clear the air and share our feelings, isn't it?

You know, it's just too bad you can't be more like Ian Kinsler.

Because Ian Kinsler hits for the cycle, steals bases, eats his vegetables AND makes his bed.

Seriously, though...Ian Kinsler was AMAZING.  

In fact, he was SO good, that he actually flew right off the Chart of Baseball Acceptability.

The key issue is that the AQ+GABF=TAR model, and accompanying Line of Baseball Acceptability, are NOT built for perfection.  I never demand perfection of my baseball players.  So, the problem arises in the fact that it is possible for an imperfect player to achieve  a perfect 10.00 AQ and/or GABF score.  

When literal perfection DOES occur, it makes things all wonky, mathematically speaking.

For example...tonight Ian Kinsler was PERFECT.  And his baseball perfection is much, MUCH better than other players who would normally score a perfect 10.00 GABF.

And this superiority at baseball actually causes Kinsler to appear more adorable than even his previous normal perfect 10.00 AQ score would suggest.  

The resulting effect is that the numbers keep pushing each other upward, and before you know it, Ian Kinsler is completely off the chart, and his Total Awesomeness Rating has become in irrational number, rocketing towards infinity.

The whole thing sent my orderly (if a bit nutty) universe into a complete tizzy.  

So, I concluded that there needs to be a way to quantify and account for this sort of mathematical deviation, should it ever [hopefully] happen again.

Thus, the KAP is born.

KAP, obviously, stands for The "Kinslerian Anomaly of Perfection."

May Ian Kinsler and his KAP serve as a role model and inspiration for the Twins.  

You know...the Rangers have an off day today.  Do you think it's too late to charter a plane for Ian Kinsler to come to Minneapolis to give our boys a pep talk?

Then he could also attend the parade I have planned in his honor tomorrow afternoon!  I'm having it to celebrate universal Ian Kinsler-ness and the amazing boost he gave to Team Awesome last night.  It's sure to consist almost entirely of me stomping around my living room, wearing socks up to my knees, playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" on kazoo.  Should be fun.

Don't worry, Twins.  When YOU do something that awesome, perhaps I will play celebratory kazoo tunes for you too. 

[And a little tough love for game-attendees:  For love of all that is Holy, QUIT THROWING THINGS ON THE FIELD!  I wasn't even there and I am irritated.  When people disrupt the sacred game of baseball, it gives us all bad fan-karma, and makes the Baseball gods think that we are not worthy of watching winning games.  So KNOCK IT OFF, or I will poke you with sharp things.  Capiche?]


Mh said...

WELL I know that was difficult for you and I am sure they heard it. Yet I keep thinking of an old "Far Side" cartoon where the dog owner is giving Ginger a stern talking to live Ginger you are a bad dog Ginger and Ginger you need to stay of the sofa....and all Ginger is hearing is Blah Blah Blah Ginger.

So I am afraid all they heard was Twins Blah Blah Blah etc

Fans blah blah blah blah Beachball

I hope you will stay on this and re-enforce the tough love.

JN said...

I was at the game last night and it was awful. Those darn college kids and their beach balls drove me crazy!

However, there was a point during the game that made me smile - hard to believe I know. The song they played before Mike Redmond - (aka the player who likes to be naked in the locker room and sometimes at batting practice) - batted was "We don't have to take our clothes off". Classic! Although now the song is on repeat in my head :)

Jessica said...

I know right. Chutley who?

caryn said...

throwing things on the field? seriously? what is this - shea stadium in the 80s???

Heidi said...

I was just excited because Ian Kinsler and all his hitting for the cycle glory is on my fantasy team, making me less sad that I forgot to edit my roster yesterday to make galarraga pitch.

Anonymous said...

I am so thankful for this blog :) You tell it just like all the sports columnists should!!!

Anonymous said...

I've had a repeated fantasy of catching one of those damned beachballs, standing up, gesturing to the crowd and then popping it above my head for all to see.

At that point, I would bow to the usher as I hand it over.


Jeremiah said...

The throwing of things on the field was actually just beach balls that got away from drunk college kids... 5 times!! And they were in right field... every... single... one... (Thanks Cuddy, for being awesome and picking up that last one... the ballboy was getting tired..... also, the "what did I do?" pose was hilarious)

And it seemed like tonight's game was no better.

Let's face it... Jose Morales is fairly useless and we NEED NEED NEED Joe Mauer back. Mike Redmond is fantastically amazing, but he can't do everything... after all, he's broken. Mauer has the ability to call a great game, calm a pitcher down and change everything with a wink of his eye and a swing of the bat. Crede... while good... is no Nick Punto. And by the way Casilla... You sir, are no Nick Punto. (Oh, how many times I have said "Nick Punto would have made that play in the last two days). Which reminds me... Denard Span... PUNTO WOULD HAVE MADE THAT PLAY!

Now then... I got nothing except, Thank God the Blue Jays are gone... It's like they're Twins Kryptonite (and here I thought Sidney Ponson was the only thing) but I think Sidney Ponson is green Kryptonite... you know, the stuff that makes you ultimately sick and can kill you... whereas the Blue Jays are red Kryptonite where we just kinda become really weird and stupid things happen. Hopefully the Angels series will be competitive at least... I don't care about winning or losing right now, just as long as we're not giving up 42,097,985,093 runs a game!

Word Verification is: sismsh
I got nothing other than it looks like someone mocked being told how to spell mississippi with sismsh.

Anonymous said...

Anyone have a shirtless and/or naked pic of ian kinsler they wanna post all over the internet???PLEASE!! im dying to see his complete sexiness!!!!