Wednesday, February 25, 2009

How To Be A Quality Baseball Boyfriend: A Primer

Throughout the storied BatGirl era of Twins baseball fandom, we grew accustomed to choosing and cheering for our Baseball Boyfriends; forging emotional bonds that are difficult to sever.....I still have warm fuzzy feelings for A.J. Pierzynski and Doug Mientkiewicz, years after their time with the Twins ran out (I kept 2 boyfriends because even back then...I was just greedy).  

Since approximately August of '06, Boof Bonser has been my primary Baseball Boyfriend.  And I must say, he has served nobly in that position.  He has cheered me up when I'm sad, he entertains me, he has cool hair (most of the time), he has an uncanny ability to bend space and time to make sure he pitches when I'm at the Dome (even though I decide what games I'm going to far in advance of any team rotation/pitching decisions being made), and I like his curveball. All in all, and I believe I have said this before, Boof has actually done a far more satisfying job of being my boyfriend than several of my real-life boyfriends have in the past.  

Sure, we've had our ups and downs, just like any other pretend baseball couple.  We've had our rough the time in '07 he decided to not trim his facial hair until he was credited with a Win.  And that weird looking haircut he got last season.  And the times his pitching made me pull my hair out.  But we've worked though those tough times, and I think our pretend baseball relationship is all the stronger for our struggles.  I don't demand perfection in my baseball boyfriends, just solid effort,  consistent adorableness and a certain entertainment factor.   
Another plus for Mr. Bonser has been that he has remained relativley healthy and unbroken. 

Until now.

For the past 14 hours or so--since learning of Boof's surgery that will keep him off the field for several weeks--I have been adrift in a sea of despair; baseball-boyfriendless and alone.

But then I remembered something important.

I have back-up.

Sometime mid-season (I think it might have been Hard Hat day at the Dome), I declared Craig Breslow to be my Auxillery Emergency Back-up Baseball Boyfriend.  Meaning that, should my Primary Baseball Boyfriend be unable to fulfill his duties for any reason, the Auxillery Emergency Back-up Baseball Boyfriend would be elevated to the role of Temporary Primary Baseball Boyfriend and would then discharge those duties as long as necessary.  

That's right Craig Breslow, you're getting called up to the Bigs.

This is a great chance for you to really show me what you're capable of.  It's time for you to man up and become a shining example of exemplary Baseball Boyfriend-ness.  

Not surprisingly, I have prepared a short list of tips to help you be all that you can be, so you can make the most of this thrilling opportunity.

How To Be A Quality Baseball Boyfriend
A Primer for Craig Breslow 
  • If you get to interact with me, you should be nice to me.  Even if I ask you to sign funny pictures of yourself with my own photoshopped captions.  Yeah...heads up....that could totally happen.
  • Keep working on your cutter.  I like it.  
  • You already have cool hair, which is going to save you a lot of time.  Really, you just have to keep up a good maintanence schedule and not get sucked into any peer pressured uglifying-tactics.  
  • During games, try to "accidentally" get caught on camera/binoculars doing adorable, endearing things.  Like Boof unravelling a baseball.  Or Bobby Korecky chair-dancing to Michael Jackson.  Or Nick Punto back-flipping.  Do you juggle at all?  Because, if you do, that could be a really solid jumping-off point.
  • You're already uber-philanthropic, which is HUGE bonus points.  So keep that up.   And, don't tell Boof...but you're totally edging him out in that category.
  • Do your best not to get hurt.  I don't really like the constantly broken.  A thorough stretching routine should help.
  • And if you heroically win any games I attend and/or you accidentally-on-purpose bean any players that I particularly hate (I can provide you with a detailed list if necessary), I promise to love and cherish you forever.
Good luck, Craig Breslow.  I'm counting on you.


Anonymous said...

After reading your blog this morning, I quickly realized that, even though 3-3 will always and forever be my baseball-boyfriend-love-of-my-life, I haven't considered a backup. The thought of a tall, Canadian beefcake NOT being at first base chills me to the bone, but, in all honesty, it is a possibility that he could someday be hurt. So today I start my quest for my Backup-Baseball-Boyfriend. The tips you gave to Breslow are a wonderful starting point for all Temperary-Baseball-Boyfriends of the future, and for this, we thank you!

Katie said...

Yeah, it's kind of like buying an insurance policy. We obviously don't LIKE to think about unpleasant possibilities, but in the event something catastrophic does happen, it's comforting to know you've got things covered.

Maybe the time Justin will be away doing Canadian baseball stuff for the WBC could be a good time for you to audition potential back-up of certain Canadian Beefcake distractions...

Jeremiah said...

Great... now I'm sad that I can't come up with a baseball girlfriend (I thought about having a baseball boyfriend, but then I remembered I'm not gay and even though it's fun to go on some of these little trips with you... um.. no)
Stupid professional sports and their lack of women. Guess I'll just have to stick to rollerderby for that.

Katie said...

It's not gay to have a baseball boyfriend. If it makes you feel better, you could think of it as having a Baseball Bromance. Or a Baseball Buddy.

Anonymous said...

I have a mission/assignment for Those Girls. This is an urgent emergency. On Phil Miller's blog, Feb 24. "Radio Interference from a Locker Away" he mentions a KSTP radio interview with Glen Perkins, but more importantly background noise from my baseball boyfriend, Kevin Slowey. I have tried desperately to get this audio. Did you hear it? Know where I can find it?

Katie said...

This sounds like an interesting challenge. Let me see what I can do.

Anonymous said...

Aww, Breslow was my Twins baseball boyfriend backup too! Even after he got traded to Oakland--and I made a last minute (for me, anyways) purchase of tickets to see him 4 hours away in Arlington in a double-header. I made "Breslow" A's his attention and asked for his autograph when he was done throwing...and NOTHING. He disappeared with the other bullpen guys. Very sad.

So, I'm a little bitter with Craig. I did get Brett Anderson and Trevor Cahill's autographs though. :)