Since approximately August of '06, Boof Bonser has been my primary Baseball Boyfriend. And I must say, he has served nobly in that position. He has cheered me up when I'm sad, he entertains me, he has cool hair (most of the time), he has an uncanny ability to bend space and time to make sure he pitches when I'm at the Dome (even though I decide what games I'm going to far in advance of any team rotation/pitching decisions being made), and I like his curveball. All in all, and I believe I have said this before, Boof has actually done a far more satisfying job of being my boyfriend than several of my real-life boyfriends have in the past.
Sure, we've had our ups and downs, just like any other pretend baseball couple. We've had our rough patches....like the time in '07 he decided to not trim his facial hair until he was credited with a Win. And that weird looking haircut he got last season. And the times his pitching made me pull my hair out. But we've worked though those tough times, and I think our pretend baseball relationship is all the stronger for our struggles. I don't demand perfection in my baseball boyfriends, just solid effort, consistent adorableness and a certain entertainment factor.
Another plus for Mr. Bonser has been that he has remained relativley healthy and unbroken.
For the past 14 hours or so--since learning of Boof's surgery that will keep him off the field for several weeks--I have been adrift in a sea of despair; baseball-boyfriendless and alone.
But then I remembered something important.
I have back-up.
Sometime mid-season (I think it might have been Hard Hat day at the Dome), I declared Craig Breslow to be my Auxillery Emergency Back-up Baseball Boyfriend. Meaning that, should my Primary Baseball Boyfriend be unable to fulfill his duties for any reason, the Auxillery Emergency Back-up Baseball Boyfriend would be elevated to the role of Temporary Primary Baseball Boyfriend and would then discharge those duties as long as necessary.
That's right Craig Breslow, you're getting called up to the Bigs.
This is a great chance for you to really show me what you're capable of. It's time for you to man up and become a shining example of exemplary Baseball Boyfriend-ness.
Not surprisingly, I have prepared a short list of tips to help you be all that you can be, so you can make the most of this thrilling opportunity.
How To Be A Quality Baseball Boyfriend
A Primer for Craig Breslow
- If you get to interact with me, you should be nice to me. Even if I ask you to sign funny pictures of yourself with my own photoshopped captions. Yeah...heads up....that could totally happen.
- Keep working on your cutter. I like it.
- You already have cool hair, which is going to save you a lot of time. Really, you just have to keep up a good maintanence schedule and not get sucked into any peer pressured uglifying-tactics.
- During games, try to "accidentally" get caught on camera/binoculars doing adorable, endearing things. Like Boof unravelling a baseball. Or Bobby Korecky chair-dancing to Michael Jackson. Or Nick Punto back-flipping. Do you juggle at all? Because, if you do, that could be a really solid jumping-off point.
- You're already uber-philanthropic, which is HUGE bonus points. So keep that up. And, don't tell Boof...but you're totally edging him out in that category.
- Do your best not to get hurt. I don't really like the constantly broken. A thorough stretching routine should help.
- And if you heroically win any games I attend and/or you accidentally-on-purpose bean any players that I particularly hate (I can provide you with a detailed list if necessary), I promise to love and cherish you forever.
Good luck, Craig Breslow. I'm counting on you.