Friday, August 29, 2008

No pressure....

Every time we fall further behind the White Sox, a little piece of me dies.

Just so the Twins understand....the top 1/3 of my left kidney is the particular little piece of me on the line tonight.

I can feel it twinging already.




No pressure, guys.

I do kind of like my kidneys though. Not quite as much as I like my liver.....but still.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Ode to the Oakland Series

I think it's funny that our game tonight is one of the chosen games for instituting instant replay. There really aren't any spots in Oakland that cause questionable home run calls.

Oh well. It's fun to be a part of history, anyway.

It's a pretty important series even without the replay. The Sox are playing the Sawx. So, if we lose to Oakland, we're going to lose ground either in the division or the wild card. Either way....bad news.

So, to get the team all fired up, I composed a little poem for them.

I want to wish you luck in Oakland,
I hope that no one gets a broke hand.
I'm sure you know the A's are scary,
So I want you to be wary.
It's bad enough we're in a rut,
I don't want you to get cut!
Don't forget to bring your glove,
Because good defense will win my love.
You know it's fun to be a Twin,
But it's twice as much fun when you win!

Amen.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Deja Vu

I was really hoping not to relive the nightmare of losing a series in Seattle. It sucked the first time around, and it's not particularly pleasant this time either. Praying for "not a sweep" is not nearly as much fun as hoping for a win.

Someone should have overnighted the team a care-package containing an individual plastic baggie (baggie....get it? To remind them of home!) containing earplugs to drown out the trains, and a their own tiny miniature patch of rubbery 'Dome turf to rub (or kick, or spit on) for good luck.

I was a little bit surprised when I read Gardy's comments yesterday about Mike Lamb, basically calling him out. I'm pretty blunt, but even I would have made a little more diplomatic statement in that situation, like "I wish things would have turned out differently, but sometimes in the stretch you have to make some hard decisions. We wish Mike the best." I felt bad for Lamb, since he didn't seem to know what Gardy was talking about. Poor fella'. I will his beard, I have to admit.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bah Humbug.

When I saw the news this afternoon that the Twins had acquired Eddie Guardado, I was so happy that I could have actually shed a tear of joy, if it weren't for the fact that I strive for a robot-like lack of outward emotion around other people. I love Eddie. I love him like family. I love him more than I love a few specific members of my family, actually.

So long, Mike Lamb. Sorry it didn't work out.

Didn't Gardy say earlier that he was making plans to give Justin a break mid-roadtrip? So much for that. Without a healthy Cuddy, do we have anyone else who can play 1st well? Not that I was ever particularly excited about seeing Mike Lamb at 1st...but still. It's good to have a back-up plan.

And just as acquiring Eddie and seeing him back in a Twins uniform was the highest high point of my day.....losing in extra innings was the lowest low point. It really broke my heart. The Twins made me feel a little bipolar today....I'm happy! No, I'm sad! Mania....depression....thanks to the Twins, I was all over the map today. To be honest, the rollercoaster ride wasn't all that great.

Those frickin' annoying trains in the background in Seattle don't really help matters either.

I'm sure there were a lot of people who saw that Beltre homer and started complaining about how we should have traded for him. I still disagree. I just don't like him that much. And I especially don't like him tonight. Bah humbug.



On a different note: I'm itching to do some crazy Twins photoshopping, but I'm fresh out of good pictures that inspire me to an appropriate level of ridiculousness. If any readers want to help out that cause, feel free to email me any great pics to the address listed on my blogger profile.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

When I'm not watching, bad things happen.

Here's a thought.....



Just a suggestion.

I said I'd be content with a series split in Anaheim, and I'll stick by that. But I have to admit, when the White Sox lost to Tampa (by the way, have I mentioned how much I love the Rays lately? Because I do. I love them.) I almost took it back. I really like winning.

I was only able to pay attention to bits and pieces of the game tonight. Oddly enough, the bits I got to watch were all the good, run-scoring, bits. Whenever I stopped watching, bad things happened. Coincidence? Probably. But it's something I worry about anyway.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Oh yeah...Torii Hunter still plays baseball....huh.

Whew! One down, 13 to go.

This might sound weird, but I sort of forgot about Torii Hunter. I mean, I didn't forget that he existed. In the back of my mind, I knew that somewhere an entity named Torii was still walking the Earth. I just don't think about him. When I tuned in to the game last night, I thought "Oh yeah. Torii Hunter still plays baseball. Huh." Aside from the Rangers, I couldn't care less about the AL West this season....so I just haven't paid any attention, besides knowing that Angels basically won their division months ago. Blow-outs are boring.

But Torii and I got reacquainted last night. He surprised me a little with that walk he took off of Matty G. I would have thought he'd go chasing after that last pitch. Torii did have a tendency to swing at a lot of garbage. [Maybe it's something in the centerfield turf at the Dome....] It's OK. We loved him anyway. He also surprised me in a happy, happy way when he missed that Punto ball. (I suddenly think that "Puntoball" would be an awesome name for a new sport, and I'm going to try to invent one.)

I want to thank Jesse Crain for really coming through last night. I got a little nervous, I'll admit. But he was awesome and proved me wrong. And obviously, I'm equally grateful to Punto and Span....and Hunter.

There was much rejoicing. No Happy Dance yet, because I don't want to jinx the rest of the series. Winning the first game against the Annointed Best Team in Baseball in their own park was a good way to start the road trip. I'm convinced they're really in it to win it now.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Christmas in August.

Not to brag, (or rather, to brag), but all of the players that I particularly love have been awesome the past two days.

On Tuesday, Brian Buscher proved again that Those Girls are not wrong when we are the only people in the Metrodome cheering wildly for him, even if everyone around us looks at us like we're crazy. And Nick Punto made that awesome play....also, once again justifying our cheers for him.

Yesterday, Mike Redmond pretty much won the game, giving me a lovely smug feeling of superiority over the D-bag Brewers fan I sat by on Saturday, who made a comment to his girlfriend saying "no wonder you guys suck, you have a back-up catcher as DH." Mike Redmond is godlike, and I for one am always, always, always happy when he's in the line-up.

Oh, AND Boof pitched two whole innings in a super close game and did not give up even one run. Maybe I'm biased, but that was huge. I was very proud of him. I wanted to tousle his hair and feed him a treat. Good job, Boof! I knew you could do it.

It was a very satisfying two games for me personally. It was a bit like Christmas, actually.

Now we just have to deal with 14 games on the road in a row. Awesome.

I hope they brought in a Sports Psychologist to talk to the team before they left. A few reminders about avoiding negative self-fulfilling prophecies could have been helpful. If you believe you're going to suck on the road, you probably will. One of my elementary school teachers had a poster that said "Think you can. Think you can't. Either way, you're right." They should have packed that up and taken it with them to stick up in the visitors clubhouse.

My goal for the team is a series split in Anaheim. I think a series split is totally Happy-Dance-worthy. Go team.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

We'll get 'em next time. I hope.

So, losing to the A's wasn't very fun. I'm trying not to dwell on it. Nick Blackburn feels bad enough already.

If we can just win the last 2 games, we'll have had a 7-2 homestand. There's nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly respectable, bordering on awesome. (Guys, I am really going to need you to win the next 2 games. It's embarrassing to lose to Oakland. OK?)

We went to the game on Saturday.

I took a picture of Carlos Gomez looking at his knees.


Going into the game, we had a few bits of history to consider. We've seen Scott Baker pitch many, many times. The Twins have only lost ONE of those games. Those are pretty good odds, except that the one game they lost was against Seattle last season. We remember these things. We hoped for the best, but prepared ourselves for the worst. But, it all worked out OK in the end. A win is a win, even if we have to gnaw our fingernails down in the process. We'll take it.

Here's a Happy Thought:
Assuming the team doesn't completely melt down on the road, we're on pace to score almost 100 more runs than last year.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Liriano Starting=Winning 1st Place.

How much fun was it having Carlos Silva back on the mound, eh? I know I loved it. It really was good to see him again. But it's way less stressful when he's giving up runs TO the Twins. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And I just got done cheering for Oakland. That doesn't happen too often. Although, with Swisher gone, and Chavez out, I don't hate them/fear for my life quite as much as I used to. I only recognize about half the names in their line-up now.

Since Liriano's been recalled, every time he's pitched we've wound up back in 1st place. I think this is an omen. Here's hoping he's pitching on the last day of the regular season, if the division race stays this tight.

Those Girls have declared tomorrow to be the official unofficial "Wear Sweats to the Dome Day." It was originally supposed to be "Wear P.J.s to the Dome Day," but I realized today that all of the pajama bottoms I own are various shades of pink. (I don't even really like pink that much, so I'm not sure how that happened.) I don't want to wear pink to a baseball game....so sweats are the next best thing. They sort of look like pajamas.

Speaking of clothing choices, I am totally on board with the Twins' plan to be sneaky and wear their white uniforms on the upcoming road-trip. I say looking drab equals playing drab* . I don't want them to get in trouble though, so I went and checked the official rules (I guess I just assumed that wearing ugly gray as the away team was an official rule since everybody does it). Here's the rule governing uniform color:
A league may provide that (1) each team shall wear a distinctive uniform at all times, or (2) that each team shall have two sets of uniforms, white for home games and a different color for road games. (Rule 1.11, subsection b)
So...while it is sort of open to interpretation, it does imply pretty clearly that only the home team is supposed to wear white. No penalty is specifically mentioned for not conforming, though...it's worth a try. If the penalty is a fine, I'm cool with that. I'd even chip in (although not very much, because baseball players make WAY more than I do). If the penalty is a forfeit, not so much. Maybe a more prudent player hides a bunch of gray pants in his suitcase, just in case. If worse comes to worse, remember that tooth whitening commercial from a few years back where the kindergarten students are supposed to say what color their teacher's teeth are? They come up with a lot of great hues like "mother-of-pearl" and "ecru." If anybody questions the uniform color, I say the boys get creatively legalistic. "Mother-of-pearl" could totally fit the category of "different color."

In non-Twins, but still baseball-related, news, was anybody else paying attention to the Olympic baseball travesty this week? I've been sick, so I didn't blog about it earlier....but I was mighty upset. The U.S./Netherlands game got called early on account of rain, and the U.S. was awarded the win, with a score of 7-0. BUT, when the game was called in the 9th, the Netherlands had the bases loaded with NO outs. WHAT?! You do not stop a baseball game at that point and call it done. A few more bad pitches, and the game is tied. Anything can happen in baseball. If I was the Netherlands, I'd be so pissed off. Even if they still lost, at least if probably wouldn't have been a shut-out. Not that I wanted the U.S. to lose...but a love and appreciation of the purity of the sport of baseball trumps nationality, every time. Not cool, Olympic judges. NOT cool. On a happy note, Terry Tiffee had a great game. I miss Terry Tiffee. His name is fun to say.






*Says the girl wearing sweats in public. Don't worry. The irony is not lost on me.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Medicated Blogging.

I'm totally blogging this all hopped up on meds. My apologies in advance....



Major Delmon Young home runs 2 days in a row. Wow.

Did anyone else sort of forget (until now) that that's the way he was supposed to be hitting all along?

It's kind of awesome.

I didn't think I'd care if he was hitting home runs or not, as long as he was getting on base.

I was wrong. I really dig the home runs. I think he should stick with that now.

I guess I'm happy enough that the Twins pulled of a series win against the Yankees this time. Although one series win over the Yanks at their suckiest, and most-inujured, isn't quite enough to make me forget that we still lost the season series 4-6. So, while I was happy about the win, I did not bake any celebratory cookies.

The best part of the game was that it was early, and therefore I did not have to feel guilty about skipping it in order to watch the Olympics instead. I go a little bit nuts when it's Olympics time. I briefly considered getting up at 5am to watch the USA/Korea baseball game on the internet this morning. When the alarm went off at 4:45, I came to my senses. I'm really glad too, because if I had gotten up that early, just to watch a losing game....I totally would have cried. And that's embarrassing.

I did watch all the prime time stuff tonight. I'm feeling a little sick--I took some medicine that has me feeling a little loopy, so the Men's All-Around gymnastics competition was pretty fun for me. In the middle of the 1st rotation, I became completely convinced that Jonathan Horton looks exactly like a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. So every time they showed him, I started laughing uncontrollably. Poor Jonathan Horton. Still....even as the loopiness wears off a bit, I remain steadfast in my belief that if they ever make a live action Cabbage Patch Kids movie, the casting director would be a damn fool not to cast Jonathan Horton in a leading role.




I rest my case.



Yes, I know that aside from the actual baseball event, the Olympics have nothing to do with the Twins, or baseball in general. I don't really care. Y'all are getting off light. I am actively trying to censor myself from making too many Olympic references here. In real life, I bet I bring up Michael Phelps, his quest for 8 gold medals, and his amazing competitive drive in unrelated conversations at least 18 times a day. I have also developed a pretty extensive philosophical theory about why the United States doesn't do well in synchronized diving. I could also repeatedly point out how much fun it is to say "Peter Vandenhoogenband." (Seriously...it's so much fun, it puts Saltalamacchia to shame.)

Count your blessings that all you get is my whacked out Cabbage Patch Kid comparisons. It could be worse, trust me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Today's Meditation

So, in light of last night, I thought it would be a perfect time to remind ourselves that we're not alone with the way we're all feeling today. This quote is courtesy of Rick Reilly, co-hosting PTI on ESPN the other day:

"I hate the Yankees. If the Yankees played North Korea, I would be there holding up a picture of Kim Jong-il."


Amen.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Babies = Shutouts

I didn't watch the game, but I'm glad we won. I watched the highlights on ESPN. It seemed like Adam Everett and Glen Perkins did their best to make up for past transgressions.

I applaud that...but let's give credit where credit is due:
Thank you, Alisha Perkins, for the win tonight. You clearly took the "Babies=Shutouts" rule of last season to heart. Labor is not easy, or so I hear, and you had to do all the heavy lifting while Glen just had to show up. You totally took one for the team, and we really appreciate it. We're in first place again, thanks to you! They should give you the game ball. Those Girls salute you and all your hard work this past 9 months.
So, overall a great game. I'm sort of sad I missed watching it, but I just wasn't that interested in seeing Sidney Ponson again, much less the rest of the Yankees line-up. I'm certainly not sad I missed seeing whatever is going on in this picture:


I don't even want to know.

In other news, between Silva's meltdown in Seattle, and Livan's 9-run debacle in Colorado, I hope everyone is cherishing that lovely feeling you get whenever you dodge a proverbial bullet. I know I am.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I hope they got the suck out of their system....

The Twins are lucky the Olympics are going on to split my attention, because if I wasn't riding a high from the US freestyle relay team sticking it to the French tonight in spectacular fashion, I'd probably be pretty goshdarn upset about the sloppy baseball game I watched today. As it was, the Twins game was just one of several sporting events I watched, so the pain of the loss is dampened a little bit.

Actually, I had some pretty lofty goals for my day when it started. It was going to be the awesomest, most lazy, sports-soaked day in the history of lazy days. I had fully intended on spending the entire day watching other people participate in athletic activities. I had it all planned out....starting at 9 am with the USA/China basketball game (SO much more fun to watch than NBA basketball), then more Olympics until switching to the Twins game, then Olympic swimming prelims, followed by more Olympic swimming and gymnastics until 11pm. It was going to be an epic experiment in slothfulness.

Unfortunately, my plans were foiled by 2 things: I had an hour-long appointment I forgot about, and polo bored me to the point of having to turn the TV off for a little bit. I tried really hard to appreciate the water polo. I tried to understand the rules. Once I had a grasp of the rules, I tried to entertain myself by thinking of funny water polo innuendo like "Water polo players don't submerge their balls," but nothing worked. It looked too much like Marco Polo...just dudes flopping around in the pool. I just couldn't take any more.

But yeah...the Twins game.

...kinda sucked. It felt like the team was just having their regularly scheduled Yankees psych-out, but a day early, apparently. I wanted to tell them "No, no, no....we don't just hand over games without a fight until tomorrow...you're still in Kansas, guys!"

I'm trying very hard to be optimistic and think that maybe they got the suck out of their systems today, and will play brilliantly from now on. It's possible, right? I'm keeping the dream alive.

Of course, on the downside, we are up against Sidney Ponson again. He might as well be playing in our division for the amount of times we've seen him this season. There are no words to express how annoyed I am at having to think "This could be a tough game; we're playing against Sidney Ponson," without the slightest hint of sarcasm or giggling.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Baseball Lite

Baseball Lite this weekend.

My day today can be easily described: Watched Olympic swimming. Watched Dark Knight again. Watched more Olympic swimming. It was nice...like a Christian Bale sandwich on two toasty warm slices of Michael Phelps.

Those Girls were also listening on the radio as the Eau Claire Express lost tonight and were eliminated from the NWL playoffs. Bummer.

I heard a rumor that the Twins won. That's nice. Good job, boys. It'd be super cool if you could stay in 1st place this time. Give it a try. I think you'll like it. I promise to try to actually watch the game tomorrow, since I think it only really conflicts with women's cycling and beach volleyball. However, if the game goes long and cuts into swimming, I'm not making any promises. So, try to be speedy about the winning, please.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Friday Sort-of Blogging

I'm really not in a baseball-y/bloggy sort of mood.

So I will just post something from the SI that I, and I'm sure many of you, got this week. It fits so well in this blog, there's no way I'm NOT pointing it out:


Thankfully, I had enough self-restraint to flip a few more pages before I condemned the SI to a very shreddy fate. SI tried very hard to make it up to me:


Adorable. And insightful, and overdue. Josh Hamilton gets all the hype, but Ian Kinsler is AMAZING at baseball too.

And as long as I brought up the Rangers:

Dear C.J. Wilson,

I don't care that everyone else on your team is pissed at you. I still love you AND your mohawk, don't worry. And even though I really love Eddie Guardado too and I'm super-psyched he gets to be a closer again, I hope you get better soon. I miss you.

Love,
Me

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Mea Culpa

We shouldn't talk about football here. I hear you.

Here's a picture of Brad Radke looking fabulous instead:

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

At least Seattle's paying $4.25 for their gas....

Before I even begin to write anything, I think we need to just take a moment to relax....and look at bunnies:


OK. I feel a little bit better now.

Baby bunnies in gingham tea cups are almost adorable enough to make me not think about the fact that we just lost a series to Seattle. Almost, but not quite.

They are probably cute enough to make me stop throwing things though. It's a start.

Here's something else that makes me feel little better: Gas is still like $4.25/gal at Seattle gas stations. Suck it, Seattle.

Oh, and this picture makes me feel a little better too. Can you find the funny? Look close.

You know, I had been hoping we could take advantage of the Seattle games this 2nd half, so that an almost inevitable craptastic 4 game series in Anaheim wouldn't hurt so much. But.....no. That's not really how this is turning out. Suddenly playing 7 more games against the M's doesn't make me quite as giddy as it once did.

I do have to give some kudos to Jason Kubel tonight. He did pretty awesome. And at the end of the game, when I was desperately chanting "Don't be 'Third Out Kubel,' don't be 'Third Out Kubel,' don't be 'Third Out Kubel'....." he came through and was NOT, in fact, the third out of the 9th. So....good job, I guess. Thanks.

I'm sorry for bringing up the end of the game. You were trying not to think about it, weren't you?

Here:


That's better, right?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

At least my hair isn't on fire...

I learned an important lesson tonight.

There is no night that is so bad that it can't be made just a little bit worse with a humiliating loss to the worst team in baseball.

I think the kiss of death came when I thought quietly and secretly inside my head "Well, at least the Twins are winning."

In hindsight, that was a very risky thought to think...even quietly and secretly. It did not turn out well, obviously. I am, however, very glad that I only thought "At least the Twins are winning" as opposed to "At least my hair isn't on fire," or "At least the Earth's crust hasn't cracked open and swallowed my house into the molten abyss." I'll count my blessings, I guess.

On the bright side, at least none of our pitchers got Prince Fieldered. Seriously, watching the footage of that fight, if Manny Parra didn't wet himself a little when 3-times-his-size Prince came at him, I lose my bet. Terrifying! (However, even if he DID wet himself, he could always write it off as "Manny peeing Manny.")






Dear Nick Punto,

Shave.

Tonight.

I'm not joking around about this, and I'm not giving you a choice.

Just do it, OK?

You're creeping me out.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

My 3 Favorite Things about Sunday, and 1 Thing I Hate (2 if you count Nick Swisher).

Quiz: What was my favorite part of the day?

If you said "Winning," you're wrong.

Winning was only my second favorite part of the day.

If you guessed "Watching Zack Greinke nail Nick Swisher with a fastball to the buttocks," you're the big winner! (The KC/CWS game had all the action today. My third favorite thing about today was watching that 5th inning brawl.)

I actually almost (almost), felt bad for Nick when I saw his reaction....all stunned and hurt and confused.

I think Greinke just wanted to do be done pitching before his manager was ready to take him out (I guess the heat index on the field was like 120F), so he took care of business his own way. And if you wanna nail someone in the posterior, why wouldn't you pick Nick Swisher? You get to hit Nick Swisher, AND then go sit in the air conditioning? There's not much of a downside there.

Of course, the low point of the day was turning on the Twins game and seeing those hideous sleeveless uniforms. This is a fashion disaster that just will not die. Like mullets.

It's not that I'm opposed to sleeveless uniforms altogether. I just think ours were NOT done well. The arm holes are way too big and the jerseys wind up being too baggy on everyone, making them all look like they weigh 30 lbs more than they do. And to be filed under "My god, why didn't they just listen?!" an ESPN writer actually prophesied about how hideous our sleeveless uniforms would look, way back in pre-season '06 when they were first introduced. He's totally right about pinstripes, too. They do not work without sleeves. I suppose it was designed so they matched the pants...but still. I think the sin of having a decent-looking solid white vest with pinstripe pants is much less egregious than having ugly vests that fit like they were made by a local middle school's Introductory Home Ec class.

I know I say that I hate these uniforms too often. I'm sorry. It's just that it keeps being so true. Plus, I'd had a musical slide-show tribute to their passing almost finished....it was to the tune of "Candle in the Wind," and it was super classy. But no. They're still very much alive. I'm just disappointed. Thank you, Francisco. I will remember this.

Poor wardrobe decisions aside, I sincerely hope everyone is enjoying basking in our Number One-ness. It's pretty awesome, right?

Friday, August 1, 2008

I still hate Cleveland, even when we beat them.

Those Girls had a brief phone conference during the 5th inning to discuss the addition of Randy Ruiz to the line-up and to officially declare Unhappiness at no one having a hit yet. And then just like that, Brendan Harris psychically sensed our displeasure and fixed it for us in the next inning. Thank You Brendan. Thanks to your performance tonight, you have officially earned one at-bat with Cherry Pie that goes eye-roll-less. Enjoy it, man. You've earned it.

(Although, I do have a new coping mechanism to help me deal with Cherry Pie anyway....when I hear it, I just shake my head and say "You're killin' me, Smalls!" and it makes me feel better. Try it. It works.)

Welcome to Randy. A little I.L. birdie told me you've been wreaking havoc on other teams in AAA, so I hope you continue to do the same here for us. And your call-up gives me a great reason to dust off the AWESOME likeness of you that I drew during Spring Training:

I'm kind of surprised about how sad I am to see Livan Hernandez go. I'm definitely a lot sadder to see him go than I was to see either Ramon Ortiz or Carlos Silva, the two guys everyone compared him to, go their separate ways. And while I'm NOT sad to see the sleeveless vestiforms go, I think there may have to be a musical tribute slideshow to Livan and his poor fashion decisions to make me feel better. Stay tuned.

Craig Monroe deserves a shout-out too...he's a really nice guy, and pretty good at baseball when he wants to be. I hope he makes some other team very happy.

Whoa....I almost hit "Publish Post" before I realized that I had not yet mentioned that I hate Cleveland. And that's not OK....because I HATE Cleveland. And Paul Byrd pitches tomorrow...and I REALLY hate him. Weren't they supposed to trade him!? I was really looking forward to him getting traded.

A great way to spend 3 minutes.

I'm a little late to the party on this, but if you've never seen it before, you have to check out Batting Stance Guy.

Here's his take on the Twins. Only 2 current players (I'll just let you guess which two), which is a little disappointing, because I'd love to see him take on the Carlos Gomez bat-kissing, and wild knock-him-down swing. Still, pretty funny. He has Torii's number. And the Kent Hrbek bit at the end is solid gold, baby.



He has a ton more teams' stances on his site, all worth a giggle.

[Edit: Do NOT miss the '08 All-Stars Starting Line-up edition. Joe Mauer's stance is so much funnier in that one.]

A Quiet Trade Deadline Day: My Bad.

The Twins didn't make any moves today, despite a lot of talk that they might. Specifically, Boof Bonser spent all day on the hot seat, with a few teams interested.

Some of you may have already suspected this, but I can now confirm it..... frightened about the psychic mayhem I could accidentally (or on-purpose) unleash against the Twins front office if this deal didn't meet my expectations, they graciously allowed me to man the last minute trade talks myself. I didn't like the idea of trading away my baseball boyfriend, but if it's that important, I can be reasonable and try to make a deal that suits us all. It was an exhausting day on the phone. Here's a summary of the deals I tried to swing.

Texas Rangers:
They get: My baseball boyfriend Boof.
My terms: In order to make up for the loss of Boof's great sense of humor and extreme adorableness, BOTH Ian Kinsler and C.J. Wilson had to be in the deal. Plus C.J. had to agree to let me touch his mohawk whenever I wanted. And in order to keep a delicate balance intact, we'd obviously need Josh Hamilton to maintain the proper tattoos/team ratio. And I also included a clause stating that they would need to simultaneously trade Milton Bradley to someone else, because Boof should NOT have to be exposed to bad influences. And then I demanded Jarrod Saltalamacchia, just because he has a name that is both fun to say AND write, and every time it gets cut off on our Jumbotron line-up list, it makes me giggle.
Result: They weren't that into it, actually.

San Francisco Giants:
They get: My baseball boyfriend Boof.
My terms: In spite of rumors the Twins were interested in Castillo or Aurilia, I went in a little different direction, and asked for Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and Noah Lowry.
Result: Talks derailed when the League said "no" to my demand that Noah Lowry only pitch shirtless when he's healthy again.

Atlanta Braves:
They get: My baseball boyfriend Boof.
My terms: Not really liking anything they were selling, I briefly considered an offer for the entire Coca-Cola empire.
Result: I came to my senses and refused. Money can't buy Boof.

So, in the end, no deals were made. Boof stays in the 'pen for now. I feel a little bit bad, because I know he'd like to be a starter....but I can't say I'm really disappointed with the way things turned out, personally. If Boof goes away, Twinsfest suddenly becomes so much less entertaining for us, because he's the only player Casey can freely converse with without clamming up...and trust me, their conversations are legendary. (Conversely, I can say the most ridiculous things to ANY other player, but can only talk to Boof like a normal human being after a shot or two of hard liquor. This is why Those Girls are such great friends....we complement each other perfectly.)

In other news, if anyone was at the game tonight, I want to hear about the riotous situation. Watching on TV isn't the same. I need to live vicariously through you, so spare no details.