Friday, May 30, 2008

A glimpse into the future

So, Cuddy and Mauer aren't going to shave until they hit homeruns. Remember last season when Boof decided not to shave until he got a win? That got real ugly, real fast. And then he wound up shaving before he got a win anyway, I think probably because it just got too gross.

So, I decided to take a little trip in my time machine (or TARDIS for the people like me who watch too many New Doctor Who DVDs before bedtime) to get a look at September 2008.

Meet Joe Mauer of the Future:

In the future, Joe Mauer still hasn't hit a homerun, and has a pretty significant beard going. Kevin Youkilis txts him just about every day to say that he is really jealous. This makes Joe feel a little bit manly. Joe no longer gets carded at bars on the road where people don't recognize him. Joe is in line to win his second Batting Champion title, and has driven in roughly a bazillion runs, batting behind Carlos Gomez and Alexi Casilla. Joe is settling in well to his new bearded life. Retailers across Twins Territory have had to put thousands of pink "Mrs. Mauer" t-shirts on clearance.

Back to the present time, I'm very proud of Kevin Slowey. He gave up a run to erase the shut-out, and the world did NOT implode, as Gardy seemed previously to think might happen.* He pitched a complete game anyway, and looked very proud, rightfully so, of that accomplishment in and of itself.

In other news, Jessica at Herrays! has put her finger on yet another reason Nick Swisher is the creepiest man in baseball.

*I am still just a tiny bit bitter about Nick Blackburn's last game.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Northwoods League Opening Day

It's opening day for the Northwoods League today. Which is exciting enough...but even more exciting is that this year they've launched, with free video and audio feeds of every game this season, plus daily recaps of all the action. Should be an awesome way to cram some more baseball into your summer, and keep an eye on future MLBers.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It's not about usefulness, it's about hero-worship.

I should talk about the win tonight. I should WANT to talk about the win tonight.

But I can't, because what I really NEED to talk about is the lameness of the Twins' Favorite Things baskets this year. For anyone who doesn't know, the Favorite Things baskets are the brilliant fundraiser idea cooked up by the Twins' Wives. They make up baskets filled with goodies that tell us important things about our players' consumer spending habits....favorite foods, sports drink flavors, video games, restaurants, condiments, hobbies, movies, etc.

I don't know why, but this seems like particularly vital information to me.

Maybe it's just me and my high expectations, but the baskets this year are kind of a let down.

It could be because they're doing a raffle this time instead of an auction. Maybe in the receding economy they assume, rightly, that no one will pay three times the going rate for a PS2 and a six-pack of Propel. Still...maybe a little more creativity would help.

All I can glean from this year's list is that the boys like to golf, and they all have iPods. So do I.....have an iPod. (My parents made me take golf lessons in 4th grade and it didn't take, except for my extreme awesomeness at putt-putt golfing.) The basket fillings just don't seem very specific, or entertaining, this time around... Maybe instead of just putting a generic iTunes giftcard in the baskets, the iPods could be loaded with some of that particular player's favorite songs. That would be WAY cooler, and more informative. Sure, you might get stuck with a player who has crappy taste in music (actually, it's probably a likelihood), but that is the FUN of the Favorite Things baskets! It's not about's about hero-worship...and amusement....and learning.

Another part of the fun of the Favorite Things baskets is looking through them and deciding which player you are most like, based on the contents of the basket. This year, golf equipment and steakhouses aside, I am most like Joe Nathan, with Nick Punto and Michael Cuddyer coming in 2nd and 3rd.

Other notable discoveries:
  • Juan Rincon has passable taste in movies.
  • The juxtaposition of Glen's hunting equipment with the Grey's Anatomy DVDs is pretty adorable.
  • Mike Lamb's basket includes a Silence of the Lambs DVD, which made me laugh hysterically, really for no reason.
  • If we HAVE to make the baskets about usefulness this year, I wouldn't mind Pat Neshek's juicer.
  • Everybody loves John Grisham.
There, now that I've got that off my chest, I can say that Craig Monroe lived up to his old Detroit rep for being clutch. Good one, man. And kudos to Justin for sealing the deal.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Maybe I'm just psychic.

I don't say this very often, but I wasn't very excited to see Joe Nathan take the mound tonight. I was so happy and excited for Nick Blackburn, it was a huge let down to see Gardy walk out there and make Nick give him the ball in the 9th. I was sad and irritated by it, and did something very very out of character and shut the game off right then. I had some dishes to wash and other odds and ends to take care of, so I thought I'd get an earlier start on it. When I finished all that, I popped some Tylenol PMs and decided to check the final score online while waiting for the pills to kick in.

I was greeted with the loud headline proclaiming NATHAN BLOWS SAVE AFTER BLACKBURN'S SOLID START.

I tuned back in for the top of the 11th, feeling a little guilty, convinced that I had made this happen with my mind....maybe Joe Nathan's ego was bruised because I wasn't particularly interested in watching him pitch tonight.

Luckily, the Twins won, so my disinterest did no significant damage.

Maybe I'm just psychic though, and my subconscious convinced me to turn the game off to spare me (and my neighbors) the loud naughty-word rant that would have no doubt resulted if I had actually watched it unfold in real-time.

This way, all's well that ends well. Thank goodness.

Other tidbits:

The K.C. broadcast team had a great description of Carlos Gomez's first swing of the game: "Carlos Gomez with the fake bunt and swing for I-70." I know it's not the most efficient or particularly helpful of lead-off strategies....but I love it when he does that.

I want to start fining people for saying any derivative of this sentence: "Joe Mauer still has not hit a home run this season." Because I do not CARE. As long as he keeps hitting and getting on base, I don't care if he never hits a homer again. Seriously. Maybe if people would stop talking about it, it might happen by accident.

Alexi Casilla was kind of badass when he broke up that double play at 2nd. It was awesome.

I find myself oddly drawn to Billy Butler. I don't know why. If I was a Royals fan, I would definitely be on that bandwagon.

If you say "ash bats" it sounds a lot like "assbats."

The heckler at the end of the game was pretty amusing....screaming at the ump. I liked when he loudly informed the world: "You've missed FOUR calls now!" Apparently he'd been keeping a running tally. I hope he included the "foul" ball Cuddy hit that was probably NOT foul in his count.

The K.C. broadcasters humorously tried to "cover up the evidence" after that call.

What we need...

Gas prices, natural disasters, a faltering K.C. Royals squad looking to build up their self-esteem at the cost of ours.....

What we all need to vastly improve the quality of our lives is a Carlos Gomez Quote-A-Day calendar.

Can you think of anything that would bring you more Joie de Vive when you flipped to a new page full of exciting possibility and inevitable entertainment over your morning cup of coffee?

I think not.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Punto's on the mend, but I'm torn.

Let's just glaze over the 19 (NINETEEN!) runs Detroit scored against us,. [Dear Boof, you break my heart. Please stop.] shall we? Trust me, it's so much better for your blood-pressure if you just pretend it didn't exist. I stopped watching at 12 runs. I believe in baseball magic....but there isn't enough baseball magic in the universe to make that game remotely winnable.

Reports say that Nick Punto is healing up nicely and should be back from the DL sooner rather than later. Which means we have to say good-bye to one of our call-ups soon. I'm glad I don't have to make the decision as to who...because that decision would be a lot harder for me than I would've thought.

A couple months ago, I wouldn't have had to even think for a split-second about it. The answer would have been mind-numbingly simple: "Alexi. Send Alexi back." I just didn't like the kid. I'll admit it. He irritated me, and he just didn't seem very good at baseball. But since this last call-up, he's starting to prove me wrong. And I love it. He gets on base now. Sometimes he hits homeruns even. And while he still makes some defensive oopsies, they don't seem to be nearly as frequent or as aggravating as they used to be (or maybe I'm just getting soft). Plus, the more he hangs out with Carlos Gomez, the more coolness credits he earns. I have a lot of respect for the improvements Alexi seems to have made to his attitude and general baseball skill set.

Matt Macri just got here, so I'd like him to stick around a bit longer so we can see what he's got. Plus, he was awesome tonight. Plus, I love him.

Then there's Howie Clark, who I'd be willing to bet will be the first one sent back down. Which makes me kind of sad, because he's got the great story. He's Livan-old, been shipped all over the majors and just getting the call. It makes you root for him to succeed, like in a Disney movie. And he was the RBI Hero of that long and crazy-ass Texas game, which equals instant emotional attachment for me.

Honestly, I'll be a little sad to see any of them go. My solution, if I got to come up with solutions for such things, would be to send Juan Rincon down instead. Of course, that leaves us short in the bullpen. So, I'd just sit down with our extra infielders and explain that in exchange for letting them all stay in the Bigs, they had to agree that if we got in a bind and ran out of fresh arms, whichever one(s) were on the bench would have to whining. I see that as a win-win. They get to stay in the line-up, and I get the entertainment of watching position-players pitch.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Forget Kubel....Free the Pitchers.

First off, yay for the win. The winning made me happy. Thank you to darling Kevin Slowey and various members of the offense for making that possible.

But even in spite of the winning, there was one gnawing aspect of the game that kept me awake. And surprisingly enough, it wasn't even Reyes' inning. It was the fact that Michael Cuddyer was intentionally walked twice to get to Jason Kubel. Our designated hitter. And the strategy worked for the Tigers. Both times. This irritates me, mostly because it brings back bad memories of watching teams intentionally walk whoever happened to be hitting ahead of Rondell White. Our designated hitter.

And I'm sorry to the Kubel fanatics...and I don't care what hand the other team is pitching with. That's not OK.

And to make Kubel feel better, it's not just him. Craig Monroe hasn't fared any better.

In the past 8 days, our "Designated Hitters" have combined to go 4/28. That's a dismal "Punto does better" .143 average. In the same time span, our pitchers (during interleague play in Colorado, and the extra innings Texas game) have gone 3/9, for a .333 average. I'll take it.

So, I say "Free the Pitchers."

Yeah, I understand the extra risk putting you pitchers in the batters box and on the base-path, blah blah blah. But Livan wants to hit. I say, let him (and any of the others that want to). They're not going to do any worse.

This is mostly (mostly, but not completely) tongue-in-cheek, obviously. But just one game where Gardy shakes his head at our DH's and tells Livan to make sure he grabs his batting gloves might shake things up. Heck, make it a day game. Nick's absolutely right, we don't really try to win those anyway.

Friday, May 23, 2008

I'm sure a Secret Decoder Ring is next.

My favorite thing about watching the Texas broadcast of the extra-innings disappointment yesterday was this:

(crappy video, but you get the idea)


Carlos Gomez and Alexi Casilla have a Super-Secret BFF Handshake. They showed a repeat of it later in the game, and the whole thing was very elaborate, and lengthy. I like to imagine how long it took them to invent and memorize it.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

It's good to keep things in perspective.

I was pretty nauseous after watching the game tonight. Pretty upset. So, I thought it might be wise to keep things in perspective. After all, there must be some things that are worse/more painful than spending almost 3 hours watching Sidney Ponson kick our asses.

I made a list:
  • Turkish prison
  • Jamming shards of broken glass into my eyeballs
  • Kicking puppies
  • Oral surgery sans anesthesia
  • Televised golf
  • Spontaneous combustion
That's all I have.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'll take Korecky for the win, please

During Spring Training, if anyone had told me that a few months later I'd be torn between Alexi Casilla, Bobby Korecky and Howie Clark as my favorite player in a game, I'd probably have punched them in the guts for being a dirty liar.

But dear lord....I kind of love all three of them. Way to man up and get the job done, boys.

There were definitely some things about this game that I did NOT love: Boof's 7th inning meltdown. Reyes/Crain/Rincon. Lots of stranded runners. etc.

But aside from the bad stuff...this was kind of the most awesome game ever. The only thing missing was making a position player pitch. We'll have to wait for a different game for that though, when we don't run through our bench players completely. [Possibly tomorrow, since Brian's our only fresh arm.]

Yup, this game had a lot of my favorite things. Like ....Boof not losing, getting to look at C.J. Wilson without losing to him, pitchers batting, and a walk-off win. Seriously, we were one robot-dinosaur away from my idea of a perfect game.

Bobby Korecky got his first major-league hit, his first major-league win and his first turn as Those Girls' Boyfriend. He apparently got so excited about it that his shirt "accidentally" came off.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bad Badness.

Saturday was bad.

But yesterday....yesterday was baaaad.

Bad badness. I'm not sure anything more specific needs to be said.

And now everyone is cranky and the Twins are back home.

So...I've compiled a few links to help everyone get through the next several hours.

First off, defend the beach and the Twins from the dreaded Cranky Crabs in the Cranky Crab game.

And here's an oldie but goody surefire stress reliever.

And here's a video of Rhett Miller singing one of the Old 97's new songs "No Baby I," which seems like a somewhat appropriate Request and Dedication for a lot of our players who seemed to have some difficulty keeping gravity in check and baseballs in their gloves this weekend.

In other news, I kind of want to kidnap Dinger the Dinosaur from the Rockies and keep him for myself. Maybe T.C. could use a prehistoric sidekick. If I had been at the games this weekend, when I wasn't crying or pulling my hair out, I probably would have been running around trying to catch Dinger. T.C. may be the fuzziest, fan-friendliest, number one mascot in all the major leagues....but a Triceratops is pretty cool too. The Rockies fans apparently don't like him, so I don't see why I can't have him instead.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Rocky Mountain High

This Rockies series is the one that I've been most excited about since the schedule came out. The anticipation of it is really what got me through the disastrous Toronto series. So, I was a little pissed when a migraine yesterday left me unable to watch the game and begging for a swift death.

Heavily medicated, I was able to watch it this afternoon. So, I guess that's OK. It's just not the same though.

So many high points....

  • I love Coors Field. Especially the bullpen, because it looks like the pitchers are playing catch in the woods.
  • I love playing by NL rules. Nick Blackburn's first major league hit was awesome. Good Job Nick.

  • Delmon had a great night. He probably would have been in line for an official Boyfriend award, except....
  • Carlos Gomez nearly killed himself winning the game. Sorry Delmon, but I'm a sucker for a guy willing to shed blood to win.

[And a retroactive hug goes to Matt Tolbert for also getting broken on Thursday. Matt has really grown on Those Girls and we are going to miss him a lot while he is repairing himself.]

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Don't worry boys, I make poor choices too sometimes.

Those Girls did everything they could to help the team win yesterday. The lucky shirt, the matching lucky pony necklaces, numerous "drop drop drop" chants, but I'm afraid the absence of the Cotton Candy Milkshakes and the crazy amount of pre-game horribly-bad omens was too much for even us to overcome. Personally, I think a lot of the trouble started when they had a school band bang out a loud "musical tribute to firefighters" on the field while Boof was warming up. You could tell that it threw him off. You try doing your job with cymbals and bass drums crashing around when you're trying to concentrate.

There were a few other pre-game things that rubbed me the wrong way but I will keep it at that.

Really, this musical faux pas was just the first of many, many poor decisions that would follow for the Twins. Boof made some poor pitch choices. Delmon made a really poor baserunning decision. Jesse Crain made a "throwing the ball to no one" blunder. The home plate umpire made some horrible ball/strike decisions.

Hey, we all make poor choices sometimes. We deal with it and move on. It is not the end of the world.

Looking at the positive, even with all the poor choices, it never felt like we were out of it until the very last out. Imagine the same game last season. Uglier, right?

I think it's a really good time to do some more goal-setting exercises. I think our goal for today should be to make it a dumb-mistake-free game, and hopefully avoid a sweep in the process. Go team.

Jesse Crain gets a hug because people were really really mean to him. Poor Jesse.

This is another good example of why I would make a terrible professional athlete. I'm too oppositional-defiant...if people yelled mean things at me, I would be tempted to say "Screw you, now I'm going to intentionally walk runs in until I'm forcibly removed from the field, just to irritate you more." As my partner in thought-crime pointed out to me, I "would be DFA'd pretty fast." Jesse Crain (and Boof, and really, the entire rest of the boys) handle it much much better. They try to do good things for us even after people yell obscenities at them. I love them for that.

And here's our Fan of the Game and a little craigslisty Missed Connection:

Dear Boy sitting alone wearing Zubaz,

I wanted to tell you that I liked your pants, but you would've thought I was being mean and sarcastic. And I wasn't. So I didn't tell you. But I do like your pants, or at least the confidence it takes to wear them.

In other news, Jason Tyner did a little trash-talking about the Twins releasing him. It's OK, Jason. I was angry too. We understand.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Minnesota Nice

I hate when we play teams that are in the midst of losing streaks (ie Detroit, Texas, Toronto), because the Twins are SO nice that they try to cheer the teams up by losing to them.

We're going to the game tonight, so losing is not allowed.

No mercy boys, seriously.

Short post, because I have to get busy making a new sign.

Also, to any potential D-Bags who may sit by me: please note that they are giving away flags tonight, so I will have something pointy and poke-y at my immediate disposal. You have been warned.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Catching up.

Like many of our Minnesota Twins, I haven't been feeling 100%, so I'm slow on blogging the rest of the Red Sox series. Here's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version:

I've actually decided to deny the existence of Saturday on the Time-Space Continuum. Which makes it really easy to write about.

Sometime after midnight, when time and space started existing again, I had a dream. It was not in any way an interesting or noteworthy dream. But David Aardsma was there.

He was just there....hanging around my dream, in full uniform (except it was his White Sox uniform, actually). This is odd, because my conscious mind gives very, very little consideration to David Aardsma. Clearly my subconscious has different ideas. Anyway. In my dream, I said to David Aardsma, "Did you know that your name is a lot like 'Aardvark'?" David said that he did NOT realize that. I then said something like "You should probably pay more attention to things like that." David agreed and then continued to hang around. The lesson here is that my subconscious mind and my conscious mind are actually not that different, because that is totally what I would say to David Aardsma if I ever saw him hanging around my house. If anyone knows anything about dream interpretation, by all means, let me know what you think this means.

Alexi is back. I'm not that excited about it. I do hope he makes friends with someone this time, so they can call him when he's late for games and remind him that he plays baseball professionally.

Jason Tyner is back in the big leagues, and I am WAY more excited about that. Suddenly I'm very anxious to play Cleveland again. Which I never thought I would say. I miss Jason Tyner.

As for the actual game, I like the Mother's Day games. Pink bats are fun.

In general, I love ESPN to an abnormal degree. (Kenny Mayne is always on my short list of people I'd most like to be trapped with on a deserted island.) But I HATE watching Twins games on ESPN. I frequently had to yell through the screen to remind them that, no matter how much they tried to make it sound differently, WE WERE WINNING. Like...the WHOLE game. My favorite ESPN moments were: the repeated butchering of names (Joe Moyer, Ellsworth, etc.), trying to say the Red Sox scored 2 runs when they only scored 1, and congratulating the SOX baserunners for getting back to their bases when Mike Lamb made an amazing catch.

Craig Monroe was definitely my boyfriend on Sunday.

Kubel who?

My favorite part of the game, aside from the obvious winning, was Bert's play-by-play of Boof tearing apart a baseball. Very entertaining.

Also very entertaining to me was Clay Buchholtz's excessive amount of Neck Accessories.

And the fact that the starting pitchers had matching numbers: Also very entertaining.

The Sandlot Crew (Mauer, Morneau and Cuddyer) were all awesome tonight.

They probably all would have been Co-Boyfriends for the night, until Cuddy set himself apart from the crowd by catching a baseball off his cap. Go Cuddy!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Miraculous Mike

Wow. I never thought I'd say this, but....Mike Lamb is totally my boyfriend tonight.

Although, it looks like I might have to get in line:

I'll admit, I doubted him. When Carlos walked in the 9th (Mike Lamb is the Boyfriend and Carlos Gomez's clearly been a very bizarre night), I was disappointed. I had a lot more hope of Carlos pulling off a magical and potentially game-winning miracle. I kind of just expected Mike Lamb to ground out quietly. But then Carlos stole 2nd...and I started to believe maybe, just maybe, Mike Lamb could be a hero. I screamed at him through the television screen. "JUST HIT SOMETHING!" And then he did. And now I love him.

Those Girls had previously held the stance that Mike Lamb would have to do something "pretty miraculous" to warrant an official Boyfriend title. And god bless him....he came through with exactly that.

The best part about a game like this? There are a ton of folks who left early that are probably really pissed off at themselves right now. Rightfully so. THIS is why you stay til the very last out, people.

My least favorite part of the game? Taking Boof out, only to put Rincon in to allow the go ahead runs to score. BOOF could have stuck around and done THAT himself. Rincon ranked 15th worst in the major leagues last season for inherited runners allowed to score. I hate that sinking feeling I get in my stomach whenever he takes the mound and we don't have at LEAST an eight run lead. With Carlos Silva gone, I may have to rename my baseball ulcer "Juan."

My other least favorite part of the night was learning Pat Neshek's fate. I'd been checking for updates all day, and the longer there was no word, the more I started to assume the worst....and I wasn't wrong. No more guaranteed high socks :( Brendan only wears them sometimes. I think, as a show of team solidarity, EVERYONE should wear them all the time. For my enjoyment Pat.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Carlos Gomez is my new bicycle.

Someone totally needs to make a Carlos Gomez Is Your New Bicycle website for us Twins fans.

I realized today, even BEFORE the game tonight, that I talk about Carlos Gomez way, WAY more than I probably should. I find ways to work Carlos Gomez into completely unrelated conversations with people who could not care LESS about Carlos Gomez. "Guess what Carlos Gomez said today..." creeps into my vocabulary on pretty much a daily basis. I can't get enough of the kid.

And then he goes and hits for the cycle tonight.


This is going to do absolutely nothing to discourage my increasing infatuation. Marketing folks really need to get on top of this phenomena, because I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to make ALL of my consumer purchasing decisions based solely on the product preferences of Carlos Gomez.

Kudos to Livan too, for one heckuva complete game.

I wonder who was more pissed off at themselves...Punto, for not running out that bunt, or Buehrle when he got taken out of the game. Punto's seething rage seemed to last a bit longer, but Buehrle definitely seemed more violent.

I'm neither a mother, nor a cancer survivor, so I can't really judge....does Nick Swisher's (and Bobby Jenks, and a couple other guys') pink facial hair help? Does it make mothers and/or cancer patients/survivors feel happy, or hopeful or inspired or something? If it does, then more power to 'em, obviously. kind of just seems weird and creepy to me. I get the pink bats. It's a thoughtful statement on the part of Major League Baseball. But creepy facial hair seems above and beyond.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Don't you hate it when that happens?

I didn't watch the game tonight, because it was the 2 hour Dancing With the Stars 100th Show Extravaganza. Which is a little embarrassing to type, but whatever. I have my reasons.

I had intended watch the game later, so I hid my phone, avoided peeking at scores online during commercial breaks, etc.

But just before I was set to sit down and watch it, I checked the Indiana primary results, and accidentally saw a headline about Floyd almost having a no-hitter. So......nevermind.

I almost feel bad for Floyd for missing out on it. (Almost.) I'd probably even nominate him for cross-franchise hug....except I'm still pretty creeped out by the Blow-up-Gate Scandal. (God only knows where his hands have been.) I was so, SO not surprised to see that Nick Swisher seems to have been one of the instigators. Trashy, gross, vulgar, offensive....with just a dash of certifiable insanity. Yes, this little stunt has "Nick Swisher" written ALL over it.

And since I don't really feel bad for Gavin Floyd, a hug and a pat on the head to Joe Mauer for ruining his night. Good job, Joe!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Story Time: The Boof Who Lost His Hair

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Boof. Boof was known for two things: pitching baseballs for his team, and for his beautiful head of hair. But few people understood that the two things were actually magically linked. The longer Boof’s hair grew, up to a reasonable point, the better he pitched. His fastball got faster, his curveball got curvier, his slider slid more, and the strike zone seemed to grow bigger! Boof started to sense that his hair played a part in this, so he took great care to maintain it the best he could.

When he went to the Baseball Haircut Store, they showed him different pictures of things he could try.

When they showed him:

“Too short!” he cried.

When they showed him:

“Too long!” he said.

But when they showed him:

He sighed, “This one’s just right!”

But most townspeople still did not understand the importance of Boof’s good hair. They said “Boof, you’re pitching great, but you should cut your hair! Doubt about his magical hair began to creep into Boof’s mind. The foolhardy townsfolk continued to pester him, and when they finally said “You know, we’d like you better if you cut your hair,” it was the last straw. Boof made his way to the Baseball Haircut Store again, completely ignoring the ominous soundtrack music playing in the background.

When he got to the store, he pointed to:

The Baseball Haircut Sellers gasped and said “No! It’s too short!”

But Boof shook his head and said “no, I want this one…..but could you leave me just a little bit of hair on top? I’m kind of attached.”

The Baseball Haircut Store employees knew that this was a BAD idea, but the customer is always right. So they sent him off with Clancy the haircutter. However, unbeknownst to anyone, Clancy had actually missed “How to Use Scissors” Day in Kindergarten, because he was out with the chicken pox. He’d been lying on his resume for years.

Clancy clipped and snipped away the best he could, until only a wee bit of magical hair was left on top of Boof’s head.

Boof ran out the door on the way to the baseball game. The Haircut Sellers yelled after him “Wait! We’re having a special on facial hair bleaching!”

“No thanks!” yelled Boof, because there is a God.

When the baseball game started, Boof immediately realized what the ominous background music had been trying to warn him about: he had made a very poor decision. Suddenly his slider wouldn’t slide, his curveball wouldn’t curve, and the strike zone seemed so small that even his fastest fastball couldn’t find its way to the right spots. Boof struggled mightily, but was eventually able to get three outs.

When he went to the dugout, his good friend Mike Redmond found him looking very, very sad.

“What seems to be the trouble, Little Camper?” asked Mike.
“Oh Mike, I cut my hair and now I can’t pitch! It was a very poor decision,” explained Boof.
“Didn’t you realize that the two things were magically connected?”
“Sort of. But the townspeople said that they’d like me better if I cut my hair.”
“Well, the townspeople didn’t like me when I pitched bad, understandably. But then they didn’t like me much better when I pitched really GOOD either. Lots of people say mean things about me and it hurts my feelings! So, I thought maybe it was the hair. It was worth a try. I just want people to love me!”
“Oh, silly Boof! I love you. And Nick Punto also loves you.
“Does the guy with the sideburns love me?”
“Yes. Joe Mauer loves you too. AND I know for a fact that there are at least a few fans who love you whether you are good, or bad. And they probably even love you when you get an awful haircut, although honestly, you might be pushing your luck there.”
“Thanks Mike! I feel better already.”
“Plus, hair follicles grow really fast. They’re probably starting to grow a little even as we speak! So, everything will be OK. Don’t worry, Boof. You’ll do great.”

With his confidence boosted once again, and magical hair follicles starting to grow, Boof was able to go back out and play some more. His fastball was faster, his curveball was curvier and his slider was sliding just like it should.

Then, to prove how much they loved him, his teammates tried really hard, and won the game anyway!

And the fans who love him whether his is good or bad, learned to love him with a bad haircut too.

The End.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Hey Pudge: No me gusta.

I don't know about everybody else, but watching Carlos get slammed in the head by Evil Pudge Rodriguez was seriously traumatic. I don't know what it is, but Carlos Gomez inspires Those Girls to be very protective of him. Pudge better hope that he never runs into me in a dark alley. I think Pudge is just jealous that Go-Go has a cooler, and much more flattering, nickname.

While lots of our guys deserve big ol' kudos for jobs well done (Joe, Justin, Livan, etc.), Carlos gets to be the Boyfriend for being awesome, actually drawing a walk, getting hurt in the line of duty and being such a brave little toaster about it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Dress-Me-Up Brendan

Thanks to Joe C. outing Brendan Harris as a Republican way back when, and Brendan's unfortunate choice of Warrant's "Cherry Pie" as his walk-up music*, I'm left feeling a little off about him. I just keep picturing some weird mash-up of him, John Ashcroft and the skanky stripper-girl from "Bring It On." It's gross.

And that's just not right. Brendan is both adorable and reasonably good at baseball. I don't want to have his taste in politics or music affect how I feel about him on the field.

I thought maybe it would be easier for me to really like Brendan if I could picture him the way he would be in a perfect world.

Picturing it wasn't enough though. I needed visual aids. So, I created the Dress-Me-Up Brendan Doll.

Click to enlarge.
Print, cut, assemble and enjoy hours of entertainment.

Dress-Me-Up Brendan comes complete with 2 inter-changeable hoodies he can wear over his uniform to keep him warm: Obama '08, and the Shins. That boy sure has good taste!

I feel so much better now.

Oh yeah....Justin was totally the Boyfriend from the second Sox game, I just never got around to posting it. Poor Justin....I'm sorry for neglecting you.

*I really need the "Cherry Pie" thing to be a joke. A funny, funny inside joke. That has nothing to do with strippers.