Venting and Guest Commentary

We were at the Dome last night, after the awesome "Oh It's that Lipgloss Official Joint-Blog Happy Hour" with Jen from Lipgloss & Baseball. Good times.

The game on the field was awesome. WE however were unable to fully enjoy it because we sat by The Worst Twins Fans D-Bags EVER. They pretty much ruined the game for us. I thought I'd feel better in the morning, hence the delayed blogging, but I'm still pretty cheesed off. To the point where trying to say anything awesome, cute or clever about the game seems impossible.

You are hereby Xed.
(Dear D-Bags, as grown men on the riper side of forty, you should be ashamed of yourselves. You make Nick Swisher look like a upstanding, mentally-balanced young man.)

On the flip side, the White Sox fans in our section were nothing but kind, courteous, polite and great ambassadors for their team. Even the kid in the Swisher t-shirt. Good job boys.

I hate to leave the blog all crabby and cranky, so I thought some guest commentary was in order.

I always love when A.J. Pierzynski and Boof battle it out. Not because it's a grudge match between two players traded for each other...but because I see it as an epic battle for my heart and affection.

So, here to comment on the imaginary rivalry, are A.J. Bearzynski and Boof Bonsbear:

BB: Well, I think it's pretty obvious who was the best yesterday.
AJ: Oh, definitely...........me.
BB: I was actually talking about ME, A.J.
AJ: Really? Because I was pretty great last night.
BB: EIGHT strikeouts in seven innings, man. I'm the best.
AJ: You think so. But the real question is which one of us THOSE girls liked the best.
BB: Again...Me.
AJ: Look kid, I was a baseball boyfriend before your name was even BOOF.
BB: Maybe so, but now I wear 26, and I'm the boyfriend. Deal with it.
AJ: Hmm. Speaking of that, for a nominal fee, That Girl could take my name off her 26 jersey and put yours on....but has she done that? NO.
BB: Yeah...but does she have a magical lucky t-shirt for you that makes you win whenever she remembers to wear it?
AJ: No. But did she make a Build-a-Bear of you?
BB: Dude, LOOK at me.
AJ: Right. Dumb question. But she obviously didn't love you enough to buy you shoes.


BB: That's only because by the time she finished buying all of your ridiculous accessories, you cost like $200. She doesn't like high-maintenance men bears.
AJ: Whatever. These shades are BOMB.
BB: Well, I have better hair.
AJ: Oh please. I was perfectly tousled last night.


BB: OK. Fine. We have equally good hair. Happy now?
AJ: Damn straight.
BB: My favorite part of the game was when I ran the ball over to 1st base myself to get your ass out.
AJ: Yeah, I'll admit, that was pretty awesome. But are you the Boyfriend of the Day???
BB: Um...yes, actually. I totally am.
AJ: Really?! I thought it'd be Kubel. Or Young.
BB: Nope. I played--->I looked cute--->I was awesome--->I won the game--->I get to be the boyfriend. That's our standing agreement.

He's right....that IS our agreement. So congratulations Boof on another stunning Boyfriend victory.



Don't worry A.J. I still love you and your perfectly tousled hair too.

A Congrats and Thank You is also in order for Boone Logan who decided to shave that nasty beard:




Thank you Boone for trying to make our sitting in the Seats of Misery worthwhile by looking adorable right in front of us.

A.J. Bearzynski is originally from Navy Pier, Chicago. He currently resides on a shelf in my closet.

Boof Bonsbear is originally from the Mall of America, but currently ALSO resides on a shelf in my closet.

Phun with Photos

Brokeback Baseball

Oakland's feral wiener dog problem has gotten seriously out of hand.

2. No, 6. No, 12. Yes, a DOZEN [runs against us].

Well....not quite a dozen.

But I thought this would be an appropriate request and dedication for our team today.



It was indeed a lazy Sunday for our bats.

Mostly I just needed Andy Samburg to cheer me up after losing 10 to ZERO.

And to think that I hated Padilla even before this game. If we had to lose, the least they could do was put CJ Wilson in for me to look at. That would be an excellent consolation prize.


Joe Nathan, while always supernaturally attractive, just seems a little sad having to pitch mop-up.

Hugs go to our bullpen. They have to be tired after this roadtrip. Blech.


They can each have a pretend hug, just as soon as I'm done mentally hugging C.J. Wilson. (Patience boys....it might be a while.)

Saturday's game

Today's game is already underway, and I haven't posted a boyfriend from yesterday yet.

In a 12-run game, it's hard to pick just one boyfriend. Delmon? Cuddy?

But there really was ONE individual who was more responsible for the Twins victory than anyone else:

Whichever Twin had the brilliant idea of greasing the Texas Rangers' gloves with Crisco.


I'm not sure which one of you it was (Guerrier, Redmond, I'm looking at YOU), but it was an awesome idea. Way to go.

The most productive 90-seconds I've spent all day.

Here's how the probable pitching match-up looks on the team's website:


Apparently, no one at MLB thought Ponson was important enough to spend the 90 seconds it takes to photoshop a Rangers cap on the guy. So I did it myself:

MUCH better. This should keep everyone's Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms from flaring up. You're welcome.

As I wrote in an earlier comment, the Texas broadcast team seemed WAY too excited about the prospect of Ponson pitching tonight. They said "We think Ponson's going to take the mound!" But they said it with roughly the same inflection one would use to say "We think there's going to be ice cream and puppies!" And not with the "We think there's going to be food-borne pathogens" inflection that is probably more appropriate for the occasion.

When I first realized that Ponson would be up against Baker, I initially worried. Baker took Ponson's spot in the rotation (one of the happiest moments of my life, incidentally*). And sometimes it's dangerous facing an opponent who has something to prove. But then I remembered that Sidney Ponson doesn't really care about anything, and I felt better.

I distinctly remember this famous Those Girls (pre-blog) conversation, watching Ponson:

"It doesn't look like Sidney Ponson even likes baseball."
"I don't think Sidney Ponson likes anything. Except maybe gravy-milkshakes."

Kick his ass, boys.




*Because it meant that we were not going to drive all the way to Milwaukee just to watch Ponson pitch.

Oh dear sweet Jesus, no.

Rincon going into a tied game, after pitching the day before, is always ALWAYS ALWAYS a bad idea. "Oh dear sweet Jesus, no." was my exact response to Rincon entering the game. It's not that I blame Rincon. He can't help what he is. I've gotten to a place where I can accept him for that....he pitches one inning every two or three days, and if things don't completely melt down and he makes it out unscathed, I count my blessings, thank my lucky stars and pray like crazy that they don't try to stretch it into 1 and 1/3 or 2/3 innings. I've learned that it is best not to push our luck.

I was so in love with this game that losing it really broke my heart. I may have teared up a little and thrown a couple things.

Here's a brief look at what I loved most about this game:

• Go-Go was on fire. Until his hamstring was too :(
  
• Justin Morneau is AWESOME at baseball.
• After Justin's grand slam, one of the Twins in the miked dugout very clearly said "I'm gonna need my underwear back!" There is NOTHING about that sentence that I do not love, and I didn't even need to make it up in my head.
  
• I love that both teams' closing pitchers wear the number 36 and are both insanely attractive. I wish ours would have actually gotten to PLAY...but whatever.

Here are the Texas FSN Southwest broadcast-specific things that I loved:

• The Texas announcers and I would totally be BFF if we knew each other. We love the same players...Jarrod "Salty" Saltalamacchia, Carlos Gomez, Bert Blyleven, Eddie Guardado, etc. There was a weird moment where they lingered a little too long commenting on Joe Mauer's "angular body and smooooth swing," but I tried to ignore it.
• The announcers also have the same sense of humor I do. When Paul the Peanut Man said the sentence "It gets our nuts nice and hot," it took them like 2 minutes to stop snickering. Roughly the same amount of time it took me to stop also. Then they replayed it later, just because. I bet they would LOVE Gardy's bathroom caulk ad too.
  
• They informed us all that Ian Kinsler's favorite cookies are snickerdoodles, and then proceeded to say "belly full of snickerdoodles," no less than three times because it's fun to say. Then I tried it, and it IS fun to say!
  
• They had cool stories about Mike Lamb...including the time the Rangers made him catch a game even though he'd never caught in his life. It made me like Mike Lamb a little more.

I can't decide who needs a hug most tonight. Justin deserves one, obviously....and probably Juan Rincon. But I think Carlos might need another hug even more than they do. He's just a kid, and he's in pain. Plus, I'm guessing it's fun to hug Carlos. So....Carlos it is. Poor lil fella. We'll just keep hugging you til things are better, OK?

A Big Hurt in Oakland Indeed.

Let's look at the numbers from this Liriano start.

Innings pitched: 2/3

ERA: 81.00 (EIGHTY-ONE!)

WHIP: 12.00 (that's a LOT)

Opponents' Batting Average: .889

#Hits/9 Innings: 67.50 (only THAT low because of the bazillion walks handed out)

Those are some pretty big numbers.

Carlos Gomez gets a hug because his Home Run Thunder got stolen by Liriano's suckiness.


I'm sorry Carlos :( But I really liked how you came up to the plate and pretty much said, "Oh, you want to send me down? I don't think so." If the Oakland fans weren't so loud, I'm sure I could have heard Denard Span yell "Dammit!" when you hit your home run. Then you had a successful bunt too! Good boy, Carlos. Me gusta.

Oh Barf.

I'm going to throw up.

I'm watching the game on the computer, and I don't want to ralph on my keyboard....but I might have to.

I was SO excited about Go-Go's homerun too.

And then Liriano started pitching. And gave up like 87 runs in 2/3 of an inning.

At least people can start complaining about something besides Gomez now. Silver lining, I suppose.

Uh-Oh.

I didn't get to watch the game tonight. Which, obviously, means one of two things:

A) I didn't miss much.

B) I CAUSED the badness by not watching.

I'm sorry.

I think that Boof gets the hug tonight. He apparently did OK. But, it's impossible to win without a run.

Dear Boof,
I promise to wear the Boof shirt next start. I forgot today. And if there isn't a rainout between now and then, I should be there to cheer you on. And to beat the piss out of anyone who says mean things about you, if it comes to that.

It's going to be nice to get Cuddy back in the game. I miss him. I got a little nauseous when I read Joe C's suggestion that they send Gomez down and keep Denard Span when that happens though. Please no. For the love of all that is holy, no. I LIKE Carlos.

Bells and Whistles

There were only 18 people at the game in Oakland tonight. But those 18 people were frickin' LOUD.

If I have nightmares tonight, they will no doubt be laced with off-key high school pep bands, and a "Let's Go Oakland" chant that will not die. This marks the first time I've gotten a headache from watching the game in the comfort of my own home. I mean, at the Dome I expect noise, and the headaches that come with being forced to twist my neck at angles god never intended in order to see any of the game....but having Oakland give me a headache from across the country is new.

With Nick Swisher packing his cowboy boots for Chicago and Eric Chavez on the DL, I was so much less terrified of the A's tonight than I usually am. Sure, they mostly still all look like they got drafted right out of their respective correctional juvenile bootcamps, but the line-up is just a little less scary now.

Craig Monroe is the Boyfriend of the Day.


Good job, Craig! I had a feeling you were going to be the hero sometime soon. I actually thought it was going to be when you pinch hit on Sunday...but one game later works too. Anyone who so thoroughly makes Oakland their bitch is all right with me. We're cool now.

Refusing to eat pickles, and other off-day nonsense.

A few random things. Because I'm bored.

Once More With Feeling
The new Twins commercial is by far my favorite of the lot. It really makes me think that there is a girl working at Periscope who is just like me. (C'mon...you KNOW it's a girl.) I imagine the pitch went something like this:

"Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Let's get all the pitchers together and make them sing a song for my own personal amusement, um...I mean in order to sell more tickets."



I can't even pick a favorite performance. They're all too good. Well...really, they're all bad. But bad in a good way. If they were all great singers it wouldn't be nearly as fun.


What a Difference a Day Makes
I was sifting through the comments on Howard's latest blog, and I found this comment:

"I went to the Twins 20th reunion for the 87 team, and Bonser was the pitcher that night. He was doing his warm ups, and he’d already been on the verge of being demoted. I was sitting about 9 rows up from the bullpen and he was standing their bitching to Joe Mauer about the trucks, and the time, and blah blah blah… Instead of being appreciative he was being a jerk… and as soon as it quieted down from the cheering I yelled to him…

HEY BOOF don’t worry, you’ll just have to get shelled in the 4th inning instead of the fifth tonight so you can get out of the showers and feed yourself at the local OLD COUNTRY BUFFET.

He stared at me, Joe Mauer turned around, and the fans around me looked at me like I’d just committed a mortal sin."

I found it noteworthy for a couple different reasons...

1) Sorry, but from 9 rows up, you have NO idea what the players on the field are actually saying. We've sat in the first row in front of the bullpen a few times, and we couldn't hear a word they said. Even that time we brought a Listen Up! device for that very purpose. True story. So, the commenter loses his story-telling credibility right off the bat.

2) We actually were sitting in the front row in that section for the game BEFORE the one he (you KNOW it's a guy) is referring to. If I had been there just one day later, I'd be in prison right now for assault and battery. Whew. I really dodged a bullet there.

A Blast from the Past
I was looking through some of my old Twins yearbooks last night for a little project I'm working on. (I actually look at my old Twins yearbooks way more frequently than I look at my old high school yearbooks.) Some of the 2002 Get to Know 'Em facts and tidbits are really entertaining, but I've forgotten some of them in order to make room in my brain for new information. Like the fact that A.J. Pierzynski went to the same high school as NSYNC's Joey Fatone. It's doubly funny because it reminds me of the fact that in 2002 this was relevant information. (Whereas Chicago's yearbook probably says "A.J. went to the same high school as Dancing with the Stars' Joey Fatone.")

Other facts I've since forgotten: Joe Mays ate a #2 Value Meal at McDonalds before every start. Jack Cressend ate sushi 3-5 times a week. Corey Koskie's high school nickname was "Doctor of Style." In the off-season, Everyday Eddie frequently went on ride-alongs with the Stockton Police Dept. Good stuff.

My personal favorite though is Luis Rivas. I never actually did forget his, because it was so funny to me at the time. His just says: "Rivas refuses to eat pickles." For some reason, I picture a couple of Twins PR interns with clipboards trying to force-feed Luis Rivas pickles, then giving up and saying "All right. Let's put him down as 'Refuses to eat pickles.'" For some reason, "Refuses to eat pickles" is sooo much funnier than just saying "doesn't like pickles." I don't know why.

Not this time, Byrd! Not THIS time.

Let's do some reflection and put things in perspective a little:

Last season, the number of games the Twins won against Cleveland was equal to the number of series where Cleveland swept us. (Four. We won four games. FOUR. Out of EIGHTEEN.)

With the two wins at the Dome this weekend, we have officially tied the number of home wins the Twins had against Cleveland the entire last season (both of which we were physically present for. Coincidence? I think not.)

I wish I could include the number of profanities and general threats of physical violence I have yelled at Paul Byrd in this little equation, but I lost count last summer.

Anyway, the point is, taking the first series from Cleveland.....it felt good. It felt real good.

Denying Paul Byrd another victory over us....it felt even better. When Brendan Harris hit his homerun, I imagined him thinking defiantly, "Not this time, Byrd! Not THIS time." Of course, Brendan didn't actually play for us last season so he didn't suffer quite the same humiliation at the hand of Byrd that the rest of the boys did. But Tampa only won 2 of 10 games against the Indians, and in Harris's one game against Byrd, he went 0-for-4. So I'm going to keep the dream alive and continue believing that's what he was thinking, because it makes me smiley and warm inside.

There was a lot of good today. It was a real team effort, too. Brendan hit his 1st homerun in a Twins uniform. Gomez showed some pluck and even though he wasn't so hot offensively he proved that he could still contribute with a good sacrifice and an amazing miraculous diving catch to thwart Cleveland momentum. Mike Redmond got his first hit of the season. Baker had an awesome game. The bullpen kept their cool and kept the bad guys quiet. Justin came through in the clutch with the game-winning RBI.

I cannot decide which part I liked the best. I've tried. But they are all my favorites.

So today, going into the off-day.....everybody is a Boyfriend. Think of it as positive reinforcement.


Boys, for some of you, this might be the only time you will get to be blog Boyfriends here (you know who you are). Unfortunately, the world isn't fair, and sometimes we play favorites....sue us. But for today, you are ALL favorites. Make the most of your day in the sun. Revel in all of the Boyfriend Glory. Congratulations. Thank you for your hard work.

Good talk.

Brian's Back!

I really wish I was going to the game today.

I would make a "Welcome Home Brian" banner for Brian Buscher.

It's a very happy day in Those Girls Land. We do love Brian Buscher.



.345 Average, 11 RBI and 4 homeruns in Rochester so far. I hope Brian brought his bat with him.

Better Sideburns than Joe Mauer

Today was a good day. I liked it.

Life is so much better when Cleveland doesn't score.

Everybody was pretty great today. Justin's home run, the Punto/Harris double play awesomeness, Delmon's rocket-launching arm....I liked it all.

But I liked the Boyfriend, young Mr. Blackburn, best of all.



With Liriano finally in town, and Slowey on the mend, Blackburn made a fairly compelling argument that he should stay on the roster. I vote "yea." Or "Yay!," actually.

That was weird.

Last night I discovered a hole in time situated, quite conveniently, in my living room.

I got sucked through and wound up in what appeared to be 2007.

It was really scary. We were playing Cleveland, and the Twins couldn't score even ONE run to save their lives. Remember how crappy that was every single time it happened in 2007?

I don't ever want to go back there again, so I'm going to be very careful to avoid that entire section of the room today.

Who needs a hug today?

Um...I do.

Even Numbers Suck

I don't like 2-game series.

A) They're too short to seem meaningful.
B) When we play teams I kind of like (ie the Rays), these series tend to push the pause button on my uber-competitive, slightly blood-thirsty, nature. And they inspire a Sesame Street-like desire to share and cooperate in musical harmony.

"La La La. One game for us. La La La. One game for you. La La La. Cheer and Shout, cuz that's what fairness is all aaaa-bouuut!"

So, I'm not nearly as upset about last night's loss as I should probably be. I mean, I would RATHER the Twins win EVERY game. And I hate it when Boof loses. (But I can't really stay mad at him.)

If it was a three-game series, I'd say "well, somebody's gotta win. It might as well be us! GRRRR!" But, as it is......Oh well.

Even Steven. Sharing is Caring.

Now, when we play our four game series in TB in September, we can have 2 games, and they can have 2 games.

Even numbers suck.

Yes, I realize that it evens out to six games when we play two 3 game series too. But I just think that separating them into odd numbered series is more conducive to my being blood-thirsty, and is therefore preferable.

I think that Brian Bass needs a hug after last night's game. Poor lil' fella. First he has to carry the My Little Pony backpack, then he gets hurt right off the bat.


Brian, I wish I knew more about you, so I could say nice things about you to make you feel better. But you're really new. You seem like a nice kid though. I hope you get well soon.

And now we play Cleveland, so I can be vengeful again. Maybe someone can hit Grady Sizemore for me. That'd be awesome.

The Return of the Bartlett

Yes, ladies, Jason Bartlett is still as beautiful as you remember. If Bartlett fans are free tonight, you should go watch the game. If you go early, and watch TB batting practice and cheer for him and/or hold up a sign, he will probably wave to you. Just an FYI.



I am an idiot and had my camera on the wrong setting AND the batteries started running out. So my pictures kind of turned out crappy and grainy (who knew that the "Sports"-setting would take crappy pictures of SPORTS) :(



And there was a great moment during pre-game stretches where there was a little reunion, with Bartlett and Punto. And then Jason Kubel joined them. I wasn't able to snap a picture, but not being one to disappoint you guys, I WAS able to put my superb lip-reading skills to work and can provide you with a pretty accurate transcript of the conversation:

Jason B: Oh my gosh, Nicky! We are TOTALLY matchy today!!
Nick: Yeah?
Jason B: Yeah! Now we're BOTH number 8, and we're both playing shortstop today!
Nick: Yay! I wish you didn't have to wear ugly "Away Gray" here though, because it kind of washes you out a little.
Jason B: Yeah, it does. But Tampa's OK. The food is really good. And sometimes when I have a good practice, they let me play with the rays in the tank.
Nick: Whoa! That's really cool.
Jason B: Hey, remember when they let us swim around in the tanks at the Mall of America Aquarium?
Nick: Heck yeah!
Jason B: That was really awesome.
Nick: It totally was. Hey, remember when you told everyone you hoped I would play 2nd base instead of Alexi?
Jason B: Yeah, that was funny.
Nick: That was really awesome too. I miss you, man. It's hard being the only piranha left.
Jason B: I miss you too!
Jason K: Hey guys!
Jason B: Hey man, what's up?
Jason K: Not much. I'm trying to be really good at baseball this year. It's pretty fun.
Jason B: Cool. Good for you!
Jason K: Hey, remember when we all used to carpool with Tyner, so it was "3 Jasons and a Punto," and your coolness kind of rubbed off on me and made me cooler by association?
Nick and Jason B: Yeah.
Jason K: That was really awesome. I really miss you, Other Jason. It's a lot of pressure, being the only Jason left.
Jason B: Awww. I miss you too.
Jason K: Hey, when the season's over, we should get Tyner and all go on a road trip to Six Flags!
All: Yay! Road Trip!

And of course, Jason Bartlett wasn't the only player affected by the TB trade. Brendan Harris had a little reunion before the game too. I couldn't quite make out which Rays player it was, so I'm just going to say it was Shawn Riggans, because we think he's cute. Here's what I could make out of their conversation:

Brendan: Hey! *waves* Remember me?!
Shawn: Um. Yeah.
Brendan: Awesome!
Shawn: Are you still Republican?
Brendan: Yeah!
Shawn: *runs away*

We were literally on-top of the Twins pre-game stretching, so I can now definitively say that Carlos Gomez is the most entertaining pre-game Twin. He's fun to watch no matter what he's doing. He's really a dynamic kid all-around. And he has cool hair.



Highlight of the game: I yelled at Matt Guerrier and made him look at our sign, which featured him photoshopped to be Wolverine from X-Men. And it totally got the Matt Guerrier thumbs-up of approval and made him crack up.

Other highlight of the game: Joe Nathan being Joe Nathan.



Granted, it's always distracting from the actual game when Joe Nathan fastballs are flying in front of your face...but it's totally worth it.

As for the boyfriend, it was a really difficult call for us. In the end, old habits die hard, and we decided to make Jason Bartlett the B.O.D. again. Because, though we can't PROVE it, we suspect that there were a few times when Jason didn't reach quite as far as he could have, or run as fast as he could, in an effort to let the Twins win and make Those Girls happy. And he succeeded. Plus, he got dirty on the basepath for us in the 9th.



It should be noted that in the event an actual CURRENT Twins player were awarded status of Boyfriend today, it would be Brendan Harris. He was pretty helpful in the 8th, plus he had that spectacularly entertaining angry bat-throwing temper tantrum when he struck out once.

And I kind of feel that, purely for the joy and happiness that he brought into my heart, TB pitcher James Shields should get some kind of honorary award. I don't know if anyone else saw it, but when he checks the runner at 1B, he does this head ducky twirl thing that totally reminds me of the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. After the 3rd time he did it, I started making the velociraptor "rrrwowrrr" sound in my head every time, and it made me laugh harder than pretty much anything else.

If I had known about this before, I would have worn my "No Velociraptors" shirt from the XKCD store. It's kind of my favorite non-twins shirt ever. Now I will call it my "James Shields Shirt"

[Edit: I talked to my mother, and she asked how the game was. Then she asked "Did Jason Bartlett throw the game for the Twins? Because it looked like he might have." I did not even prompt her to ask that. So, it must be true.]

Stay Tuned

Those Girls hit the Metrodome again today, celebrating Jason Bartlett's return. We should have some awesome pictures to post tonight or tomorrow.

I have also spent several hours crafting an amazing (and when I say "amazing," I mean "enormous") sign for the game tonight too. There's Photoshop, Superheroes and Glitter Glue all rolled into one. I'm pretty psyched about it.

Who Needs a Hug?

In the spirit of catching more flies with honey than vinegar, here's a new feature on our blog called "Who Needs A Hug." Because there seems to be a whole lot of negative energy flowing around the Twins blogosphere after last night's loss.

Yes, It was a painful loss. People can say what they want, but after an official Those Girls phone conference this morning, our official line is: We Blame Pudge. Save the venom for the real bad guys.

So we're going to try to keep everybody's chi in line by infusing some happy thoughts into the Twins Universe.

Who Needs a Hug

Matt Guerrier

Here are 10 Positives:

1. We like your hair. Whether it is long or short.
2. You are always SUPER nice to fans. We appreciate that.
   
3. We think you might have an evil sense of humor, and we like that. A lot.
4. You play cribbage.
   
5. Your Pre-Game basketball playing ritual is amusing to us.
6. Your name is really fun to say.
7. Your salary is less than 1/3 of Juan Rincon's and we never hear you complain about it.
8. You like to draw. That's cool.
   
9. You are really good at baseball. (Everyone has a bad day at work once in a while.)
10. This is an awesome story about you. We don't know if it's true or not, but we choose to believe it.
    

"Ever since he was a little kid, Matt KNEW he wanted to be a Major League pitcher. When he was in sixth grade, he was selected to speak at "graduation" and say what he wanted to be when he grew up. When he told administrators what he was going to say, they told him he couldn't JUST do that. . .so he got up to the microphone and said, "I want to play Major League baseball. . .and write children's books. . ."

Then in seventh grade, his English teacher gave an assignment to the class to write about what they wanted to do when they grew up. Of course he wrote about baseball. The teacher returned it to him and said he needed to rewrite it. Rather than grading him on structure/grammar/spelling,

she said he had chosen a topic that was "unrealistic."

After that, Matt stopped writing in cursive (a requirement for the class). The teacher called a conference with his parents and the school principal to deal with the situation. When they asked Matt if it was true and why, he said, "I don't want her to have my autograph when I'm a Major League pitcher." His parents looked at the principal and said, "I think we have a problem here, and it's NOT with our son."

They also sent a copy of Matt's contract to the teacher when he was first signed to the minors."

Gardy lets us in on Kubel's secret to success

Gardenhire, singing Jason Kubel's praises, was quoted as saying:

"I've said all along, 'This guy is one of our best hitters,'" Gardenhire said. "It was just a matter of time. Last year, I thought the last month and a half we were starting to see signs of his legs underneath him better and him really being able to get after balls. In Spring Training, we saw him put a lot of good swings out there. I think you are seeing a guy that is coming along and his legs are really underneath him right now."

Well, thank god for that. Because Jason's previous batting-stance was ridiculous, not to mention completely ineffective:



I'm glad he finally got it all figured out.

I <3 Boof

I feel an eensy bit guilty about NOT giving Jason Kubel a B.O.D. nod tonight. Because I actually said out loud, "Jason if you really want me to like you, you should hit a homerun right now." And then he hit a homerun. I feel like I led him on a little. And then he scored the only other run of the night as well. So, kudos to Jason K. for that.

But Jason, sweetie...as much as I appreciate (and encourage, really) your desperate need for my approval, when you're up against Boof, my very favoritest current Twins player, who pitched a shut-out 6 innings and got his first win of the season....Sorry.

Boof wins.

Every time.

Good Job Boof! Yay!

And in honor of this special day, and this special Boyfriend....I am totally busting out the "Boof eating a towel" picture in celebration.

Oh, "Boof eating a towel," how we've missed you! It's really good to have you back.

And keep your chin up Jason Kubel. Keep at it, and you'll be a boyfriend someday too! Just probably on a day when Boof isn't pitching.

Random mid-game thought.

I really like the Royals baby-blue powder-blue outfits uniforms. They're so cute! manly. The Royals look like little dolls action figures tonight.

Asked and Answered

First things first: Congratulations Matt Tolbert on winning your first official B.O.D. award from our blog.


You did good last night. Nothing too flashy, just good consistent baseball playing. 3/4, a walk, a stolen base, an RBI. Solid. The K.C. announcers called Matt "a classic Minnesota Twins player," and well....being Minnesota Twins fans, that's kinda what we like.

And now onto other matters.

Once in a while I like to look at what Google search terms direct people to this blog, just for kicks. It seems like people have been asking a lot of questions lately, that lead them here. So, I thought I would answer some of the most recent, or repetitive, questions to the best of my ability.

How do you pronounce "Pridie?"
Well, if it's like Jason Pridie, you pronounce it like Pride-EE. Not Priddy. Long I, Long E. Pride:Pridie::Baseball:Baseball-y. I hope that helps.

Does Boone Logan have a girlfriend?
I don't know. But based on this picture:

my best guess to the answer is "Not Anymore."







Where can I buy It's a Girl baseball?
Not from us. But try here.

Why do girls love baseball players?
Lots of reasons. Baseball is fun to watch, ergo baseball players are fun to watch. Some of them are adorable. Boys look cute in high socks. But, in the event that this question was posed by some poor kid whose potential prom date ditched him when he didn't make varsity, don't worry. We also love guys who play guitar. Maybe you could try that.

What's on Nick Swisher's face?
It's hair. I know, it's hard to believe. But it's weird, bleached out facial hair. I don't know why.

Girls don't know love pitchers?
I guess this is a question. But I don't know what it means. See the answer above about why girls love baseball players.


Where can I find pictures of Nick Punto?
Right here. Enjoy.



Matt Tolbert Interview
Not really a question, more of a request. We'll try to work on that.

The Deal with Garza and other random thoughts.

Matt Garza's Mystery Injury. Did he have it while he was here? Did the Twins hide it to make him a viable trade candidate? Gardy says no. Gardy says this is the first he's heard of the ouchie. Gardy, while saying he doesn't want to call Garza a liar, pretty much calls Garza a liar.
Awk-Ward.

"If he said he was hurt, I'm not going to call him a liar or anything like that," Gardenhire said. "But he should have let us know that he might have had an injury. Normally, it's good when the team you are pitching for knows that. But I doubt that he had any injuries here."

Reading about this makes me feel really uncomfortable and vaguely queasy. Like, when you're a kid and you hear your parents arguing. "Please don't fight, I love you both!"

I don't think it's necessary to jump right to the liar-liar-pants-on-fire explanation here. Given the already tense relationship Garza had with Twins management and coaches, and his "frustration" with having to pitch in Rochester, it's really not out of the realm of possibility that Garza wouldn't mention a health issue that didn't necessarily impede his pitching performance. God forbid he would have to serve a rehab stint anywhere but the Bigs, y'know?

The Rays wouldn't take Juan Rincon as part of the deal because they thought he was injured. But turns out, he's totally healthy. Kind of sucky at baseball, but healthy. Oh, the irony.

The folks at Rays Index have mused that the Rays organization could seek compensation from the Twins if they can prove that the team concealed the injury pre-trade. I think that Juan Rincon would be awesome compensation in that event. Maybe throw in some Metrodome Cheese Cups for hot pretzels....those things are a buck a piece! Solid gold, baby. Or...liquid gold, I suppose. Whatever.

Anyway, the hot pretzel cheese cups make for an excellent transition to my next point. Sportservice has been chosen to provide the concessions for the new ballpark. This is pretty exciting for Those Girls. Sportservice currently runs the concession end of things for the Brewers, along with a bunch of other teams. The Brewers have waffle fries. And REAL daiquiris in cute little daiquiri glasses with the Brewers logo on them. We have been suffering from concession envy in a big way. Throughout this whole planning/building process, we've been pretty vocal in our demand that the Twins' new park ALSO have both waffle fries (preferably served in plastic twins helmets) AND real daiquiris in cute little daiquiri glasses with the Twins logo on them. The news that Sportservice is the vendor makes this so much closer to becoming a reality. I'm considering trying to make this quest of ours a real movement. I'm thinking about making buttons that say something like "Give Us Waffle Fries or Give Us Death!"

Next random thought. I am starting to really like Matt Tolbert. This is big news, because I don't adjust to change well. (With the exception of Carlos Gomez. I jumped on the Gomez Express pretty quickly, actually.) And I kind of blamed Matt Tolbert for not having Brian Buscher around. But I am starting to like him in spite of all that. In addition to being pretty gosh darn good at baseball, I suspect the kid has some personality too. Those are my two favorite things.

Oh, and the crap weather has shifted the pitching rotation again. Putting us in line to see Livan Hernandez again at the Dome on Wednesday. This means that Kevin Slowey's injury was in vain. Poor kid. Maybe there will be more rainouts this weekend. Selfishly, I have my fingers crossed.

Controversial Call

Better late than never.

Yes. Jason Kubel hit a grand slam yesterday. Yes, he had 6 RBI on the night. Yes, he was arguably the best player of the night.

No, he is not the boyfriend for the day.

Because being a boyfriend sometimes is more than just being the best player (like the time we made Joe Nathan the boyfriend because we saw him singing along to Sweet Caroline). Sorry Jason, but hitting a grand slam when we're already way up isn't enough all by itself. But don't feel bad, because everybody else in the entire tri-state area loves you right now. You're like Joe Mauer right now; enjoy it. This may actually explain my reluctance to crown you Boyfriend. It's not that I don't like you. I just don't like you enough........today. You're welcome to try again tomorrow.

So, congratulations Brendan Harris. You are the chosen one, for the way you consistently made yourself annoying to the White Sox pitchers, for getting on base and scoring runs, and for your willingness to step up and play first base in a pinch even though you've never seriously played that position in your career.

Twinsbook

Have you ever wondered how baseball players keep in touch with each other, and aimlessly waste those few precious non-baseball hours each day?

The same way the rest of us do!

FACEBOOK!

Using my amazing powers of internet sleuthing, I am able to present you with a screen capture of Boof's facebook homepage, giving us a glimpse into the secret internet lives of the baseball players.

click to enlarge

Whatever Nick Swisher has, I think it's contagious.

I owe anyone within a 3 block radius of me this afternoon a profound apology for the amount of unbelievably loud, prolonged, and all-around excessive and foul profanity I subjected the neighborhood to today. I am pretty sure that in the throes of anger I actually invented 7 or 8 new swears. Which is kind of impressive, if you think about it.

Did anyone else envision that goddamned grandslam a fraction of a second before it actually happened? Because I did. I saw it happen in my head, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was horrible.

Up until the spectacular bullpen melt-down, I was really enjoying the game. Even with Opening Day, plus a whole week of baseball under our belts, it never really feels like Spring until we face the Sox. Ozzie was being Ozzie (namely loud, and completely crazy), A.J. was as hot as ever (I really wish we would have had outdoor baseball when A.J. was still around, because he rocks a pair of sunglasses like nobody's business. He makes "complete asshole" look really good to me, sorry. If it helps, I felt dirty for the whole game.), and all the South-side boys were playing just good enough to make us earn a win. Which, ultimately, we did not do. Obviously.

But let's get down to the real story of the day.

What the HELL is growing on Nick Swisher's face?


Is that intentional? Or is it like a fungus growth or something?



I really thought that there was nothing in the entire universe that could make Nick Swisher more distasteful to me. But I was wrong. There is Nick Swisher Face Fungus.

This makes his old Oakland-A's Just-Stepped-Off-the-Prison-Bus-Chic Look seem good in comparison.

Hey Nick, you know what would go really notgood with your new probably-intentional look? Your super-notcool notsexy cowboy boots! yay!

Oh my god, I hate Nick Swisher so much.

And his poor taste in facial hair/fungus seems to be rubbing off on some of his teammates. Most regrettably, Boone Logan. Previously, Boone had been adorable enough for me to frequently assert that he was definitely cute enough to be on the Twins roster instead.

Boone Logan: BEFORE

But now he seems to be trying to work towards the ZZ Top look. Not adorable.

Boone Logan: AFTER

In fact, I'd say that he skipped right from looking Twins-Adorable to looking Oakland-Homicidal. This is why I suspect Nick Swisher's foul play at work.

Nick Swisher moves in, and there goes the Central Division Neighborhood. Lock your doors and hide your children. It's too late for Boone, but I just hope and pray that our boys can avoid the Nick Swisher uglifying-fungus. Our adorableness is a KEY component to our success as a team. We need to be constantly vigilant in protecting that all important asset.

Back in Black.

Way to go Boyfriend Morneau. When you break out of a slump, you do it in style. 3 run homers are pretty sweet. Keep doing that.




Confession time: I think I may have, accidentally, broken Kevin Slowey with my mind. The other day I was looking at the schedule, and plotting out the probable pitching rotation to see who we're going to see on April 16th. Our seats are close to the bullpen, which means Happy Fun Pre-game Pitcher Warm-up Time. The way it worked out, it looked like Livan was our man. Which is fine. He's doing good. But, honestly, I just wasn't that excited about up close and personal warm-up time with him. I know he's not icky like Sidney Ponson...but I kept remembering the time when Sidney stuck his hand down his pants and, um, adjusted himself right in front of us. Needless to say, now when our seats are that close to the pitchers, I'd really prefer it to be pitchers we really like, so if they feel the need to adjust themselves in our presence we don't throw up in our mouths.

So, I may have offered up a little wish to the baseball gods to do something to make it so a different pitcher pitches that day. I was thinking more along the lines of Gardy messing around with the rotation because of the off-day on Tuesday. But nope. The baseball gods can be cruel. Kevin Slowey's ouchie is bad enough that he is going to miss a start, and instead of calling up a pitcher to replace him in the rotation, Gardy's just skipping him on the off-day and keeping everybody else in order. Which means Livan moves up a day, and according to my calculations, will be probable for that Tuesday's game instead of Wednesday. Leaving BOOF to pitch on Wednesday April 16th. Which is, obviously, kind of perfect for me. Aside from the Kevin being hurt part. Which I am deeply, deeply sorry for. I love Kevin. He actually has the most entertaining warm-up routine of any of our pitchers.

Now, Cuddy's ouchie....totally not my fault. No one can accuse me of being a Denard Span fan, so someone else out there takes the blame for wishing for that one. The number one suspect? Denard Span.

As Go-Go goes, so goes the game.

Last night proved it. When Gomez has a good game, everybody has a good game. And when he doesn't....well...you know.

For right now at least, Carlos Gomez makes the weather in the Metrodome.

So then, what can we do to make Carlos Gomez have good games ALL the time? What can we do to keep this kid happy and healthy? He's 12, so what do 12 year-olds like? Lollipops? Playboys? Wii bowling? Whatever it takes, let's make sure he gets it.

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willis?: Snap Judgements are FUN

Yes, we're 1-3. And with just one series under our belt, pessimistic folks everywhere seem to be making doomsday snap judgements. Boof sucks, the season's over, Gomez shouldn't hit lead-off, etc. So, I figured why should the Debbie Downers have all the fun? I can make uninformed snap judgments with the best of 'em.

Based solely on these first four games, here's some fun facts we can all take to the bank:

• The Twins will only win games I am physically present at. This puts a lot of pressure on me, personally. But whatever.
• Liriano will be flipping burgers somewhere by September.
• Jason Kubel will be the team's home run leader.
• Nick Punto will have a better batting average than Justin Morneau.
• And finally, in October, we will all be sitting on our couches watching the Kansas City Royals win the World Series.

So, seriously. I think everyone needs to just take a few deep breaths and relax. Did anyone honestly expect the Twins to go all Terminator on the Angels right away? We're gonna be fine. This is baseball. Early cold spells mean about as much as early hot streaks. They don't mean anything. Ultimately, win or lose, the boys are going to get their stuff together here eventually and give us some darn fun baseball to watch this spring/summer/fall. We can't statistically lose them ALL.

And in other baseball news, I was scouring the new rosters of the Northwoods League teams tonight, just seeing what to expect this summer, and I found pretty much the most exciting baseball-related news EVER. On August 1st, the Madison Mallards are having 80's Night. Which would be cool enough. But.....they have a special guest coming. GARY "Whatchoo Talkin Bout Willis" COLEMAN! Can you believe it?! He's going to throw out the first pitch, pose for pictures and sign autographs. As soon as I saw this, I was certain I would be taking a road trip to Madison for this game, even before I checked the schedule and saw that they're playing the Eau Claire Express (my NWL team of choice). If I can get Gary Coleman's autograph, it will totally be even cooler than the time I met Corky from Life Goes On. I am a little bit bummed that Madison's closer from last season Bubba O'Donnell is a Senior this year, so he won't be back. Bubba, even though he played for the enemy, was my NWL baseball boyfriend because he is adorable and completely crazy AND good at baseball. He is so wacky, he makes Pat Neshek look mundane, like a bank manager. (Note to Twins: please draft Bubba O'Donnell.) But, even Bubba-less, wild horses could not keep me away from this game. Baseball, 80's music and Gary Coleman. That is kind of how I imagine heaven, actually.

Whew.

Congrats to Kubel for blasting our first HR of the year into the upper deck! And double congrats to Tricia from Twins Sisters for calling it!

Let's take bets.

Nick Blackburn was awesome, and oh-so-adorable tonight. And what about Nick "Mr. #1 Web Gem" Punto? Complete awesomeness. Morneau's back handed toss to Brendan? Totally Awesome.

Everything else? Meh. Not so much.

Did anyone else get deja vu from last season? Creepy.

At this rate, it's going to be a very long season. I am getting anxious and twitchy for a home run. I think we should start taking bets on which player is going to be the first to man up and belt one into the stands for us. My money's on Delmon. But maybe Cuddy will step up and show the guys how its done. Or maybe Morneau will make his first hit worth the wait. Maybe it will be tomorrow. That would be nice.

After the Twins game, I caught the archive of Matt Garza's first start online. It didn't go so great. He gave up five runs in a no-decision. I felt bad. But not TOO bad, because it seemed like he was over-relying on his fastball again. And I'm pretty sure Gardy gave him several stern warnings about that before. So he should know better. I still think he's going to have a great year with the Rays, but their manager and pitching coach may need to give him a good kick in the pants to get him to mix in some breaking balls and off-speed pitches once in awhile. In other news, Jason Bartlett is still beautiful. And pretty good at baseball.

Somewhere, hell is freezing over.

Um...it almost hurts me to say it.

But I'm a little bit in love with Juan Rincon right now.

It was almost as if he too was trying to win our love. As if he said to himself "I don't get to steal bases or hit homeruns. I'm never going to pitch a complete game shut-out. And really, as far as even pitching one solid inning of relief, I can't really be trusted. But there is ONE thing that I can do to make Those Girls love me too."

And then he did it.

He smacked Torii Hunter with his first pitch to him.

Torii looked PISSED. Which only just made it all the more satisfying.

Sure, I suppose it's possible that he only did it on accident.

But it's so much hotter if it was intentional.

Juan Rincon: International Badass.

Other than that....not much awesomeness tonight. Bert said "I like last night's game better." Me too, Bert. Me too.

Opening Day '08: Our Day in Pictures

Those Girls survived an annoyingly slow, but not totally awful, trip to the Dome. Here's what it looked like from my car when we parked by Hubert's:

We spent the entire afternoon camped out at the bar, greatly enjoying the fact that, once again, baseball was everywhere. We split our attention watching the Royals beat the Tigers, and the Brewers and the Cubs. We gifted our waitress Nancy with some of our baseball cookies. She liked them. Enough to hug us.


The walk from Hubert's to Gate E at the Dome was, quite possibly, the most un-fun time I have ever had at a baseball game. Sloppy gross freezing disgustingness. No thank you. This is not baseball weather.

Then, once they mercifully opened the doors, we made the trek up to the precipice of Mt. Dome. Sec. 223, Row 31. Yeah. The very last row up behind home plate. Here's what the Dome looks like from waaaaaaaay up there.



Luckily, I got a sweet new camera for my birthday that allowed us to zoom enough to be able to see what Waldo was up to in Center Field. I like to call this photo "Where's Waldo." If you click on it, it's easier to find him. For those of you not familiar with him...he wears that white hardhat thing.



Some introductions are in order: Metrodome, Everybody. Everybody, this is the Metrodome.



Now, when WE get stuck 31 rows up at the Top of the Dome, trips up and down the steps are kept to a minimum. Apparently the rest of the people in our row disagreed, as they made us get up and down a minimum of 4 times an inning. Seriously people, consolidate trips or something. OR, if you like going up and down stairs that much, buy yourself a stairmaster and stay home. Leave the BASEBALL watching to the pros. Like us. I quite literally hated everyone in our row by the end of the 5th inning.

But, all the same, it was nice to see familiar faces. Like Cute Beer Guy. And the "Cards or Quarters?" Cotton Candy Man. And yes, even the Malt Cup Kid:


As everyone knows already, the game itself was....awesome. There's no other word to describe it. Carlos Gomez clearly was trying very, very hard to earn love. And for that, plus the 2 stolen bases, 2 runs, and out-running a bad bunt, he is, obviously, our Boyfriend.


Dang, that kid is fast.

It was especially satisfying watching Joe Nathan strike Torii out in the 9th. I had the whole at-bat on video...but the big head guy in front of me kept sticking his big head in the frame.



The walk back from the Dome to my car at Hubert's was equally miserable. Especially since we had to make our way down the sidewalk while some guys were pitching frozen slush-balls at each other. My partner in blogging got hit in the back. It was kind of bullshit. The least those boys could have done was scrape together their frozen slush off my windshield. As it was...here's the "after" picture from my car:


If the drive to the Dome was annoyingly slow, the drive home was excruciating. Our drive took twice as long as it should. But we lived to tell the tale of the Great Opening Day Blizzard of '08...so it's all good. Gosh, I almost forgot how much fun it is to watch our Twins win at home. All is right with the world.

Next up for Those Girls, live Twins Games-wise: Twins v. Rays April 16th. When we sit close enough to Jason Bartlett that he will totally hear us when we yell "We miss you Jason!"