Monday, March 31, 2008

The Great Opening Day Blizzard of '08

Everyone needs to hope that the weather people are exaggerating again, because I really don't want to die trying to get to Opening Day and back.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Last "doesn't-count" day of 2008

Oh my gosh....the next time the Twins take the field, they'll be back home in the Dome!

I've already started my own preparations for Opening Day; the holiest of not-technically-holy days. Today was the Ceremonial Choosing of the Outfit, as well as the Traditional Mixing of the Cookie Dough for the Customary Baseball-Themed Cookies. The dough has to chill in the fridge overnight, so tomorrow will be the Festival of Baking and Decorating.

It's all very ritualistic.

It was nice to end the spring training schedule with a win, leaving us at .500 for the pre-season. Delmon Young did super good today, and made a convincing argument for himself to be a boyfriend. And so he is the final pre-season-doesn't-count boyfriend of 2008. Congratulations Delmon. I'm sure your big brother is really proud of you.

I was thinking today about how 2/3 of our starting outfielders haven't had much/any experience playing under the Dome. THAT should be entertaining. I know, I know...Delmon played those four games with the Devil Rays last I'm sure he's good to go.

Livan's futbol kick video

Thanks to the folks at Rays Index for finding this video clip and posting it.

Yeah, that was awesome. I'm totally jumping on the Livan Hernandez bandwagon now. I think it might just be me and Gardy on that particular ride...but oh well.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Is Casey Kasem still around?

Because I have a special request and dedication for Nick Punto....

Jason Bartlett was awesome today. 3 for 4 with an RBI and a stolen base. I know I shouldn't be happy about that anymore, but old habits die hard.

Instead, I am supposed to be happy about Livan Hernandez. And I am working on it. Kicking a ball to first for an out is wicked cool, no doubt. By the time Monday night rolls around I will probably be able to muster at least a modicum of enthusiasm for the dude when he's announced as our starting pitcher. I'm thinking a solid 4 to 5 claps, with the possible addition of one moderate-volume "woo-hoo." We'll see how it goes.

Nothing too crazy though.

Nick Punto is the boyfriend today, for no other reason than I like him and he volunteered to play centerfield and I bet it was supercute.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

So many new guys....

I was just sitting here, drinking some grape Propel. And that, obviously, made me think of Jason Bartlett, because that's his favorite too. And as soon as the familiar "I'm still sad Jason Bartlett is gone" feeling wore off, I started to panic a little bit.

It is less than 1 week before the Home Opener, and I have no idea what Matt Tolbert's favorite Propel flavor is.

I don't know what Brian Bass's middle name is, but I'm pretty sure it's not his last name spelled backwards. (Yes, I unapologetically miss Jason Tyner too).

I suddenly feel very ill-prepared for this season.

Google is very little help. Except that I now know that Brian Bass's middle name is Michael and Matt Tolbert's first name is Christopher. Nothing about Propel though. Or Easy Mac. Or Chipotle. Or Guitar Hero.


We are definitely going to need to "Get to Know 'Em" again, I think.

Otherwise, I'll be tempted to just make things up about everybody.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Bold Predictions: The Magical Science of Anagrams

There are so many tools one can use to make predictions about a team's upcoming season. But they're all kind of boring and superficial, if you ask me. So, I decided to dig a little deeper and have come up with some pretty bold predictions for our team this season....

.....using nothing more than the magical mystical power of anagrams.

That's right. There must be some sort of underlying power to the letters that form our names, that might tell us something about our future or nature...or something. So, I've come up with anagrams for everyone, and have used them to divine some hidden meanings, and to tell the future. It's pretty neat.

For example, "Minnesota Twins" becomes "It isn't new moans." Which could be good...maybe there will be no moaning at all. Or bad....Maybe it isn't new moans, because it is just old moans. Like, 1999 moans. Subjective interpretation is a bitch.

Some of them are easy though. Like "Joe Vavra," which is "Over java." So, I can therefore predict with 100% certainty that our batting coach is going to stop drinking coffee.

Anagrams are a great tool, aren't they?

Let's try it out on the team.

First up, the question that's on everyone's radar: Who's in Center, and how will they do?

Carlos Gomez
AKA (anagrammically known as)
"Crazes gloom"

I believe that this means that Carlos is going to turn the gloomy frowns of Minnesota fans upside down and make us crazy for him. We do love stolen bases, don't we?

Denard Span
"Sap and Nerd"

This does not sound promising. I think that the hidden meaning here is that Denard is going to be outed by his teammates (probably Redwings....if you catch my drift) for being a Trekkie. They will call him a sap, and a nerd. Kids can be so cruel.

Jason Pridie
"Join Praised"

This means that Jason is going to have a good season, one way or another. He will join the ranks of the players we praise for being good at baseball.

And our other outfielders?

Michael Cuddyer
"Icy Cream Huddle"

Taking his role as team leader seriously, Cuddy will try to bribe his young teammates to do well, by getting them together in pre-game huddles and promising to buy them ice cream if they win.

Jason Kubel
"So junkable"

Ouch. I hope this one is wrong. Or simply refers to Jason spring cleaning his garage and deciding that most of the stuff is so junkable, he doesn't need to keep it. Yeah, that's it!

Delmon Young
"On ugly demon"

This one is pretty obvious, isn't it? At some point this season, demons (possibly the Oakland A's....) will attack the Metrodome, and the players will have to protect the fans by becoming demon hunters, and Delmon Young will volunteer to take out the meanest and ugliest demon (Eric Chavez, perhaps). It's pretty brave of him.

Craig Monroe
"Moronic Rage"

Hmm. Whose moronic rage? THAT is the question. I'm thinking Waldo, Torii Hunter's biggest fan over there in the Homerun Porch. Perhaps, after a long cold winter of stewing over the loss of his idol, he will just snap one day when Craig is playing Center, and will jump on the field, attacking the poor man for not being Torii Hunter. Which is totally not his fault. Hence the moronic part.

On to the infield...

Justin Morneau
"Injure amounts"

Um...I'm going to say that this means that Justin is going to be more careful this season to make sure that he stays healthy and his injure amounts are low. So, if you asked him "Hey Justin, how are your injure amounts this season?" He would say "Low, man. Super low. Thanks for asking."

Brendan Harris
"Her darn brains."

This means that I will be successful in converting Brendan Harris to a liberal way of thinking when I deluge him with super smart political arguments. When he realizes what I've done, he will chuckle, realizing that "her darn brains" got the best of him.

Nick Punto
"Not unpick"

Gardenhire will not unpick LNP, and he will get to keep playing.

Mike Lamb
"Milk beam"

Mike will become a Land O' Lakes spokesman, and his pro-milk messages will be beamed into countless midwest households, thanks to the magic of television.

Adam Everett
"A meet advert"

Adam's teammates will be amused by his increasing insistence that at least half of the "Missed Connections" craigslist ads for the Twin Cities refer to him.

Brian Buscher
"Cherub's brain"

After being conked on the head by a ball, Buscher will become convinced that HE is an Angel in the Infield and will do that silly arm-flappy thing all the freaking time.

Matt Tolbert
"Tomb Tartlet"

I think this one just means that Matt spends too much time playing Tomb Raider.

The Catchers...

Joe Mauer
"Jo, urea me!"

(Joe has a hard name to anagram...sue me.) I think this means that at some point during the season, someone is going to get stung by a jellyfish, and they are going to need Joe to pee on them.

Mike Redmond
"Kiddo Mermen"

Redmond's sons are really going to excel at swimming this year. Good to know.

Starting Pitchers....

Livan Hernandez
"Nerd in hazel van."

Livan will be yelled at by a nerdy fan in a van that is either brown, or green. Or maybe blue. Or possibly gray.

Boof Bonser
"Be Orbs of 'No'."

I think that "Orbs of 'No'" clearly refers to balls thrown for strikes. This means Boof will have a lot of K's this season.

Scott Baker
"Stab Rocket"

Oh no! Scott Baker is going to stab Roger Clemens this year! We should start collecting money for a good defense attorney NOW probably.

Francisco Liriano
"Cranial Coif Irons"

After watching a Project Runway marathon in his hotel room one day, Francisco will be inspired to grow his hair out, and start flat-ironing it like Christian. He will also start referring to himself as "fierce."

Kevin Slowey
"Weekly Vinos"

Kevin Slowey will join a Mexican Wine of the Week club. Then he'll start to loosen up a little.

Nick Blackburn
"Nick-nack Blurb"

Nick will augment his league-minimum salary by starting his own Ebay-selling business where he will help Jason Kubel sell the stuff from his garage by writing great blurbs about the junk.

Philip Humber
"Humble hip rip"

This could possibly refer to a hip injury of some sort, humbling poor Philip (not to mention sending his injure amounts soaring). Of course I also anagramed this out to "I lip hump Herb..." but those possibilities are just too disturbing to consider.

(I tried to anagram Brian Bass too....but all I could see were a lot of "bras," a lot of "ass" and a lot of "Bi." And after the lip-humping thing....I figured it was better just not to go there at all. Sorry Brian.)

And I thought I'd finish things off with the boys in the 'pen.

Dennys Reyes
"Sends NY Eyre"

This is a weird one, as it seems to predict that Reyes will attempt to broker some sort of deal to get the Rangers to trade Willie (or maybe the Cubs to trade Scott, since Willie's out for the year anyway) to one of the NY teams. Totally bizarre. But you can't argue with precise science like this.

Juan Rincon
"Ninja Corn U"

Juan Rincon will seem marginally cooler to me this season, because he has the word "ninja" in his name. (Note: his name also has the word "unicorn." Weird....)

Jesse Crain
"Jean crises"

Jesse will lose his favorite pair of jeans and will over-react. Repeatedly. (Lame, I know. But my other option was "Sis can jeer" and that seemed too mean.)

Matt Guerrier
"Get Terrarium"

Matt will finally be able to cross "Get Terrarium" off of his to-do list, when he gets a terrarium.

Pat Neshek
"A hen's kept."

Pat and his wife will start raising chickens. (But not eating them.)

Joe Nathan
"No Jean Hat"

Joe becomes invaluable to his teammates, not only because of his save percentage, but also because of his keen fashion advice. (I was really hoping his name would anagram out to "Contract Extension," but there wasn't enough letters. Darn it.)

And as for the game today, I didn't listen to it because I was super busy feeling sick and sleeping. But I think Jason Pridie can be the Boyfriend today. Because I want to. And because I found this sweet pic of him from like Senior Picture day or something.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter

From Those Girls (and the Brian Buscher Egghead) to You.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

"I'm not even mad; that's amazing!"

So, the Anchorman quote isn't entirely accurate. I was a little bit mad about the loss to the Cards today. I may have said some things to Glen Perkins in the heat of the moment that were not very nice. Sorry Glen. I feel bad about it now.

But aside from the whole losing thing, I'm still pretty high on this game.

Boof's lead-off double was pretty much the most awesome thing ever. I love pitchers batting. I'm sure that if I was emotionally attached to, and obsessed with, a N.L. team, the novelty might eventually wear off. But as it is, watching our pitchers bat in interleague situations is one of my very favorite things. And Boof's performance at the plate today really just ensures that I will loudly suggest that they "let Boof pinch hit!" on no less than a dozen occasions throughout the season. This is an honor I previously reserved only for Santana and T.C. Bear. Good job Boof!

On a different note....

Carmen Cali...
Outrighted to Rochester.

Garrett Jones...
Outrighted to Rochester.

Q: What one thing do these two players have in common?

A: Hotness. Extreme hotness.

Q: OK...What one other thing do these two players have in common?


They were the only two players who actually wore the Ft. Myers shell necklaces some lady was handing out at Twinsfest.

Obviously these are cursed objects....highly dangerous. This should serve as a warning and cautionary tale for other baseball players. DO NOT WEAR SHELL NECKLACES!!!

(Several Twinsfest volunteers also wore the now I'm worried about them. Someone should check on them maybe.)

Coincidentally, Rochester, NY was recently voted the Most Attractive City in America.*

*In a highly scientific poll conducted by myself, using a sample of 4 people I know.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Boyfriends and Brackets

First things first...good game tonight. Kevin Slowey was awesome, and (I'm assuming) completely adorable. 5 shut-out innings earns Kevin another good long look for a rotation spot and well-earned Boyfriend status for the day.

AP Photo

The news that we might be a smidge closer to signing Joe Nathan to an extension is almost enough to warrant the Happy Dance, but I think I will save it for an actual official announcement of some sort.

I'm doing OK with my March Madness brackets so far. But the Duke near-upset has me feeling less good about round two, because I picked Duke as my requisite Round 2 Upset. But now I'm thinking that after their almost-humiliation, they're going to be out for blood and win...just to spite me.

In other Bracket news....has anyone else filled out the MLB Movie Madness Brackets? Totally fun. I love baseball movies. The hardest match-ups for me:
  • Major League vs. Rookie of the Year.....I went with Major League, but I LOVE Rookie of the Year too. I frequently make reference to "the High Stinky Cheese" in general conversation. It weirds people out, I think.
  • The Natural vs. Hardball....I went with The Natural. It deserves it, because it's a better quality movie. But I have a special place in my heart for Hardball. Keanu's awkward monologues...Keanu rapping....that touching moment when G-Baby gets his jersey..."I'm blown away by your ability to show up"'s all so bad it's good.
  • Field of Dreams vs. The Sandlot. Two classics. And so different. How can you pick between them and not feel bad about it? (I ultimately went with Field of Dreams though)
  • (Baseball movie side-note: Both of Those Girls get irritated whenever we watch For Love of the Game, because the girlfriend is totally unreasonable. Especially when she gets upset after he cuts himself and says his trainer is the most important person right then. No duh. Get over yourself lady.)
My Final Four pitted Bull Durham against the Natural, and Field of Dreams against Damn Yankees. The Championship came down to Bull Durham and Field of Dreams, where Field of Dreams won out, mostly thanks to its high free-throw percentage.

Oh yeah. Johan had an awesome day too, striking out 7, plus hitting a double and scoring a run. In an alternate universe, I'd be super happy about that. But in this particular branch of reality, I'm just pretending not to care.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


To celebrate the only off-day of Spring, this post is entirely non-baseball related. Some of my favorite things that are Not Baseball-y. Some people don't think I have any...but this is not's the evidence.

Movies I am Obsessed With That Are Not About Baseball:
  • The Big Lebowski (Those Girls attended a LebowskiFest in Hollywood a couple years ago. It was AWESOME.)
  • Amelie
  • Once (This is my newest movie obsession, and therefore currently the most obsessive)
  • Closer
  • Love Me If You Dare

Books I Think Everyone Should Read (The Non-Baseball Edition):
First Ten Songs that show up on my iTunes Random Play list:
  • On My Way--the Watchmen
  • Stand Up--Freshwater Collins
  • Burn that Broken Bed--Iron&Wine w/Calexico
  • Jessie's Girl--Rick Springfield
  • The Gentle Preservation of Children's Minds--Irving
  • Way Out--Yeah Yeah Yeahs
  • Girlfriend in a Coma--The Smiths
  • Touched by a Robot--The Bon Mots
  • All Over the Map--Ellis
  • Book of Poems--Old 97's

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Odds and Ends

  • I think we won today. Every indication is that the Twins got 4 runs and the O's got 2. But the game summary on the Twins site says "Mauer stays hot with two-run homer, RBI single in loss." Which is weird. And confusing. Maybe it is opposite day, or "Play Baseball Like It Is Golf Day" and no one let me know.
  • Anyway, if indeed we DID win, Joe can be the boyfriend. 3 RBI is pretty good. Thanks Joe.

  • Lacking any Twins ball to listen to/watch, I watched the Yankees play the Virginia Tech squad. It was worth watching. I'll give credit where credit is due and say that it was a good thing the Yankee team did. It clearly meant so much to everyone involved. It just goes to show that baseball really is so much more than just a game.
  • Having had like 3 different strains of whatever hellacious flu bug is going around, I feel really bad for Scott Baker. It was bad enough for me, and I wasn't under pressure to be all physical and professionally basebally or anything. Poor guy.
  • Hey Scott, you know what helps ME when I'm sick? Sprite Zero and O.J mixed together, Red NyQuil*, and countless hours of Gilmore Girls on DVD. I know, I know...Gilmore Girls doesn't sound manly enough for a professional baseball player...but trust me on this. EVERYONE loves Gilmore Girls. It will make you feel better, I promise. You'll be up and at 'em before you know it.

*I know the caplets are more convenient and less disgusting, but the red liquid NyQuil works way better. So just man up and do the shot.

So close, but so far.

I'm in the baseball doldrums, I think. The excitement of having Spring Training baseball is wearing off...and I'm getting twitchy and impatient for the real deal. It's kind of like we're all internet-dating our baseball boyfriends....and that's so not as good. Long distance relationships don't work well.

Of course, it is more tolerable and exciting when we win.

(Hint, hint, internet-baseball-boyfriends....)

Maybe Humber will be so eager to win our affection that he will be extra-super-awesome tomorrow. Not that that will help all that much, since no one is broadcasting it.

Bah Humbug.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

"He's gainin' on you, so you better look alive" [Twins 11-Phillies 2]

Well, that was a decisive win today, wasn't it?

And televised, to boot.

I had to leave before the ninth to get to a movie*, so I missed the last four runs. And to think I was happy enough with seven!

Carlos Gomez is the Boyfriend today. Our little Speed Racer. (Or Mach GoGoGo, to the purists.)

Congrats Carlos. You were pretty awesome today. Please keep doing that.

Short post today, because I'm tired. And a little crabby that I actually bought a Powerball ticket and didn't win.

*Be Kind Rewind. Not great but not totally awful. Mos Def is I endure.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Back to winning. [Twins 4-Pirates 1]

I loved this game today. LOVED. I wish it would have been broadcast on TV, because it would have been fun seeing Doug Mientkiewicz and Luis Rivas do well again. I still love Doug Mientkiewicz more than it's socially acceptable to admit. If the Pirates had won, I probably would have thrown an honorary Boyfriend of the Day award to Dougie Baseball...just for old time's sake.

But no.

WE won.

It was awesome.

Boof did great, and he gets to be the Boyfriend today. Partly because he performed so well today, bouncing back after his last not-so-awesome start...

...and partly because the Star Tribune video of Twins reading our haiku poems has proven that he is, in fact, the cutest boy in the UNIVERSE.

I have three haiku in there, all performed by Michael Cuddyer. But Boof's is my favorite because he's so giggly. And Mike Redmond complaining that his poem doesn't rhyme. And Joe Mauer sounding like an English teacher. And Justin Morneau needing a very adorable re-do. They're all awesome, actually. Such good sports, those boys.

We may not win the World Series, but we really do have the best baseball team in the whole world. We're pretty lucky that way.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Reasons to Like Livan.

If Livan indeed is our man for Opening Day, and all indications point in that direction, I need to find a way to get behind that decision. I'm no fair-weather fan, and when I climb the approximately 7,058 steps to my seat at the top of the freaking Dome on Opening Day*, I don't want to be at all unenthusiastic, grumpy or bitter about anything. I've discovered that if you drink a $6 beer fast enough, it works almost as well as 2 $3 beers. So, I plan on drinking a lot of expensive beer really fast, once again. So, I'm sure that will help with the enthusiasm. But just to be on the safe side, I've been compiling a list of things to like about Livan Hernandez.

  • His brother is Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez, and "El Duque" is a super cool nickname.
  • He was the '97 World Series MVP for the Marlins, and played with Luis Castillo....who I legitimately DO like. Something must've rubbed off....right?
  • Livan's nickname is "Spanky." is NOW...that I've given it to him.
  • He's reportedly good at hitting. Which doesn't really mean anything for us in the A.L....but I still appreciate it. Could help during Interleague.
  • Livan is from Cuba. Adam Rodriguez from CSI: Miami is 1/4 Cuban. I really like Adam Rodriguez.
  • Adam Rodruiguez wanted to be a professional baseball player when he was younger. So did Livan.
  • Sometimes I drink mojitos, and they are also from Cuba.
  • He has a wife and kids. Which, apparently, makes people more likable. This is why, in TV shows and movies, people who are held at gunpoint tell their attackers that they have wives and children. (If I was held at gunpoint, I would be totally screwed. "Please don't kill me...I need to know what happens to Dean on Supernatural.")
  • Livan likes rabbits.**
  • "Livan" is an anagram for "Anvil." Anvils are funny.

And that's all I've got for now. I'm sure I can think of tons more by the time the doors open on the 31st. So, no worries Livan Spanky. I've got your back.

*I'm considering hiring a Sherpa for the trek. If you know of a good one in the Metro area, get in touch.

**This is pure speculation. But very important nonetheless, as when I was 7, this was the sole qualification I used to choose my friends.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Shelf-Clearing Brawl

Man, I sure wish that the Yankees-Rays game had been broadcast on today. Don't you?'re in luck.

I've gone all DIY again. It's no Leg0-Vision...but just remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Allow me to present:

Knick-Knack Attack

A precise re-creation of the infamous Yankees-Rays Brawl of '08.

Yankee Shelley Duncan (played by my A.J. Pierzynski bobble-head...fittingly), slides into second base.

But then, like a bitch, Duncan decided to get revenge on the Rays for a sliding mishap last week by trying to spike Akinori Iwamura in the groin.

"ちょっと彼は穹稜の私を打ちつけることを試みた!!!" Aki yelled.

Jonny Gomez heard Aki's cry, and flew in from the outfield to smack Duncan around a little.

"Hey you punk ass Yankee, take this!"

Soon there was full-blown fisticuffs, and Gomes was making Duncan cry like a little girl with skinned knees.

So Jason Bartlett (played by, who else, my Little Piranha Finger Puppet) came over to try to keep Gomes from committing homicide.

"If you keep this up, I'm gonna have to fight too, and I'm way too pretty to die!" yelled Bartlett, pulling Gomes off Duncan.

But it was too late, and it quickly errupted into a bench-clearer. The Doug Mientkiewicz bobble-head (AKA Rays pitcher Andy Sonnanstine) tried to break things up, but it took a while.

Once the dust settled, the umpire gave Yankee manager Joe Girardi (the whiny baby Cabbage Patch Doll) and coach Tony Pena a stern talking to, after ejecting a bazillion players and coaches from the game.



Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Comb-Over Analogy

So, it sounds like Livan Hernandez is going to be our Opening Day pitcher.

I'm feeling very "blah" about that.

Nothing against Livan Hernandez personally.....I'm sure he's a really nice guy. And a capable pitcher. I know the mantra by heart. "200 innings. blah blah blah. Carlos Silva. blah blah blah. Cheaper. blah blah blah." I'm just not excited about this news.

A couple of analogies come to mind to explain my feelings.

We've gotten ourselves into a bit of an oopsie, with a super young and inexperienced pitching staff.

So, we could pull the "Oh I totally meant to do that!" starting to jog when you trip yourself embarrassingly. Putting Scott Baker or one of the other young dudes on the mound Opening Day would send that message. It would help if we could get a lot of soundbites of Rick Anderson saying things like "Oh yeah, the younger the better. If they could get me some Jr. High J.V. kids, we'd really be cooking with oil." Bonus points if he could say it without sounding pervy.

But no, it appears we're going in a different direction.

I think we're going with the "Maybe if we make it look sort of the same, no one will notice!" Plan. This is essentially, I'm sorry to say, the Comb-Over Strategy.

And much like long stringy strands of hair have no business being stretched across the top of one's head, Livan Hernandez has no business being anybody's Opening Day starter. It just makes the situation look worse. "Yup....this is the best we got folks."

Of course, there is the possibility that we're going with Hernandez for another reason...the "Lifetime Achievement Award" Approach. Obviously the thinking here is "You've never been good enough to win anything before this, but you ARE getting really hobble on up here and make a speech before you die." Applause and self-congratulatory looks all around.

At least if we put Scott Baker on the mound, and we lost, I could entertain myself with "Oh my god, can you believe little Scotty Baker is pitching on opening day!" comments all night. If we put Livan Hernandez on the mound and things go south, it's just going to be.....sad.

Comb-Over sad.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Too Sick for Baseball?

Sort of. But not quite.

I've definitely been too sick to BLOG about baseball. I've been too sick to put my thought processes about the past three games in much more detail than:




And that doesn't make for a very entertaining read.

I know I owe Cuddy Boyfriend props from his 3-3 game against the Pirates. (I was too sick to even make pirate jokes OR Johnny Depp references....THAT's how sick I've been. What a waste.)

And Randy Ruiz gets the nod for today's game. I'll admit that I know NOTHING about Randy Ruiz other than he got suspended for using steroids, and he denied that he took them and blamed his positive pee test on taking viagra instead. So....either way, I don't really feel super warm and fuzzy about this guy.

But that double today was pretty fantastic. So, he can be the boyfriend for a day. Kind of a platonic, "no touching!" one-day-trial boyfriend. We'll see how that goes.

There's not a decent picture to be found of Mr. Ruiz, so I had to do a little DIY. I think it's a good likeness.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Another productive day. [Twins 11-Other Guys 2]

Split squads today. Wins all around. Liriano threw 40 pitches and didn't break. It was all fantastic. I listened to the Boston game live, then listened to bits and pieces of the archived audio from the Toronto game on the computer. It was a lot of baseball. Which is good.

Two wins=two boyfriends. My partner in blogging would kill me if Justin Morneau wasn't a winner for his 2 run homer. And the other one goes to Glen Perkins for bouncing back today. Good job boys!

I thought I'd have a lot of exciting things to say today, but all my creativity was tapped when Howard Sinker commissioned the blogosphere for Twins haiku. It kept me busy. Even busier when they asked for Spanish ones too. I just can't say no to Japanese poetry written in Spanish, about America's passtime. It's multi-national.

So yeah, it was a really productive day for me. I even made a pie chart to prove it.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Better than free haircuts, even! [Twins 8-O's 7]

The more I see/hear of Matt Macri, the happier I am with the Ramon Ortiz salary-dumping trade last season. We totally won that trade. He is WAY better than the big-inning ulcers and matching team crew cuts we got out of Ramon last season.

As for Livan Hernandez....I know it's early, but my reaction to today's game was "Oh god. He IS just like Carlos Silva...but cheaper." That's.....comforting.

How weird was it to play against Chris Heintz? I'm really sick today, so I was sort of flitting in and out of fevered insanity while listening to the game. This just made the whole Chris Heintz thing that much more disorientating.

Delmon Young should probably have a B.O.D. award for his performance today...but I'm giving it to Matt for his clutch game-winning RBI instead. Delmon will get plenty of opportunities to win official regular season awards, whereas Matt has to make the most out of his pre-season glory.

Thank you Matt. I really like it when we win.

I feel like I should have more to say, but I'm just not feeling bloggy at the moment. Actually, now that I'm typing it, "bloggy" seems like EXACTLY how I'm feeling. But not in a good way. I'm sure I'll have much MUCH more to talk about tomorrow when Fransisco Liriano pitches his first game in like 6 years. While simultaneously curing cancer and fixing that whole economic recession thing single-handedly. Everybody's gonna be hanging on your every wind-up kid, but no pressure.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

People don't talk about Yetis enough. [Twins 7-NYY 5]

I have such a low tolerance for ESPN Yankee-shilling, it didn't take me long to switch from ESPN to just watching the YES broadcast on Sounds crazy, but Yankee-love is more tolerable to me coming from people who have every right, and contractual obligation, to love the Yankees. I actually enjoyed it a lot more that way. They were surprisingly complimentary to our boys, and gave credit where credit is due. And for an inning they kept pronouncing Pridie like "pretty" and it's so much cuter like that. He really should consider changing it. Boof can show him which forms to use.

It was a great game, wasn't it?

It would have been even greater if I hadn't made Shelley Duncan hit a homerun with my mind. I had literally just let the words "I really like Shelley Duncan even if he IS a Yankee" come out of my mouth, when BAM! Out of the park. Oops. My bad.

The most amazing part of the game (besides my amazing ability to control baseball players with my brainwaves)?

The Alejandro Machado sighting. I was stunned. Alejandro Machado is like a Yeti to me. You've heard the tales. There's some sketchy evidence of its existence. But you never actually SEE one. Until now. It was very exciting.

Alejandro Machado making his way back to the clubhouse.

But sorry Alejandro...Garrett Jones gets to be the Boyfriend today. Hitting a two run homer off of Joba Chamberlain to keep us in the game is a pretty impressive feat. And Garrett Jones is an impressively pretty man. It's hard to beat that.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Oh, It's Play by Play

So, nobody wants to broadcast today's game against the Devil Rays? That's fine.

I will do it myself.

I have a slowly refreshed MLB score to go off of...and that's it. So....I'm just going to imagine what's going on. I can be a little psychic sometimes, so I'm sure it'll be pretty accurate.

Twins starting line-up today:

Span CF
Punto 2B
Cuddyer RF
Jones 1B
Redmond C
Lamb 3B
Kubel LF
Clark DH
Everett SS

Pre-Game: Jason Bartlett keeps sneaking over to the Twins side. There's a lot of hugging and tears. The Rays coaches keep having to come over and drag him back. It's really sad.

Top of the 1st:
Denard Span gets himself a hit, but Punto, Cuddyer and Jones are retired in order, mostly because they're all too distracted waving to Jason Bartlett in the infield, and wiping away tears. Denard never made the squad, so he didn't know Jason as well and was able to focus on hitting.

Bottom of the 1st:
Boof Bonser looks great on the mound today. And he's pitching pretty well too, striking out the lead-off man. He couldn't bear to pitch to his BFF Jason, but the pitching coaches told him he had to "or else." So he closed his eyes and just flung the ball...but he's so awesome that the blind pitches landed in the zone for strikes anyway, and Jason Bartlett was too sad to even swing the bat, so he struck out. Carlos Pena got a hit because he forgot that it's a new season and he's not ON my fantasy team anymore, and is therefore no longer encouraged to do awesome things. Boof then decided to channel his sadness into rage and easily ended the inning with no more hits.

Top of the 2nd:
Mike Redmond batted shirtless to try to cheer everyone up...but he flew out anyway. Mike Lamb, who doesn't know Jason Bartlett at ALL, singled. But then Jason Kubel hit the ball right to Jason, just because it's really fun to watch him turn a double play. Yup. He's still good at it. The coaches give the boys a lecture about how they're playing, but use a new tactic....a delightful song and dance rendition of "Get Your Head in the Game" from High School Musical. It was pretty inspiring. Joe Vavra has a wonderful singing voice, believe it or not.

Bottom of the 2nd:
Boof continues to be awesome. From the field, Jason Bartlett leads the Boof-friendly St. Petersburg crowd in a rousing "Booooooooooof" cheer.

Top of the 3rd: Denard Span gets another hit. Boy, he really wants that job. He clearly has taken my advice to heart and has been working on that Good At Baseball thing. No one else can hit anything though. I can't blame them.

Bottom of the 3rd:
Boof, in order to make up for the 1st inning, throws Jason Bartlett a nice soft toss right over the plate, and gets him on base. But then Carlos Pena, after being gently reminded that he doesn't need to be awesome anymore, strands him on base to end the inning. Boof is so awesome.

Top of the 4th:
Cuddyer and Jones both single, then Redmond brings home Cuddy. He obviously has "Get Your Head in the Game" stuck in his head. Kubel starts humming it too, and brings in Jones. Howie Clark grounds out, but an unusually speedy Redmond scores anyway. 3-0. Jason Bartlett is applauding in the infield. His teammates keep giving him dirty looks, but he shrugs it off. Some love is forever.

Bottom of the 4th:
Nick Blackburn takes over for Boof. Two strikeouts. Yes, Nick you are both adorable AND good at baseball. Good job.

Top of the 5th:
Rain Delay. There's a really touching moment when all the Twins huddle around Jason Bartlett, and Nick Punto explains to Jason that it's not really's the angels crying. (Real heavenly angels, not the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim who are complete d-bags.)

And then they called the game for the day.

After the short game, the team is taking Jason to Chipotle for dinner. Garza is going to go too. Then Boof and Jason and Garza are going to get matching BFF tattoos, they're going to help Boof pick out a shirt to wear tomorrow, and then plot a way for Boof to sneak them both back to Minnesota in his suitcase.

Monday, March 3, 2008

A boyfriend-worthy performance [Twins8-Reds 6]

I was listening to the game in the car, and I promised Chris Basak that I would love him forever if he hit a walk-off homerun. And then he did.

I love Chris Basak so much right now, it doesn't really even bother me that he used to play for the Yankees.

I'm a little irritated that tomorrow's game is not being broadcast by anyone. C'MON! Boof is pitching...possible Jason Bartlett appearances...we're gonna miss all the good stuff!

This is B.S.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Whew. [Twins 8-BoSox 2]

Never, NEVER underestimate the magical power of artificial cotton-candy flavoring. Clearly the baseball gods were pleased with my sacrifice and granted us a spectacular victory. Go us.

Denard Span is trying really hard to make me like him, what with playing the whole game and being pretty good at baseball thing. Jason Pridie is trying super hard too...2 for 2....2 RBI off the bench. Of course Nick Punto and Cuddy already know that I love them, they just like to show off their awesomeness.

Here's something that I think we should take away from our opponents' broadcast...their team was losing, but they were able to ignore and downplay that fact because they had footage from the Dancing with the All-Stars charity event the previous night. If I were a Red Sox fan (god forbid), I wouldn't even feel bad about losing because I would be too busy being entertained by a clip of shirtless Dustin Pedroia dancing like an idiot being shown roughly 117 times. [This Red Sox blog has pictures and video. If you haven't seen it should.] If I were a Red Sox fan (god forbid) I would think that was totally awesome. The announcers even started cracking up about it. So, I have this theory that if our team is going to be less than completely awesome this season (god forbid) the least they could do would be to have a similar dancing event. So then we could save up the footage, and whenever we're losing, just stop bothering to show the game and just show us the dancing baseball players instead. I think I would be OK with that.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm sick of the losing. I feel a little powerless about it. It sucks.

There's not a lot I can do in the way of Those Girls' lucky pre-game rituals until the actual season starts, but I decided this morning that enough is enough.

I maybe can't get a real Cotton Candy Milkshake and then walk counter-clockwise around the Dome until March 31....but I CAN eat Kemps Cotton Candy flavored Ittibitz and walk counter-clockwise around my living room. So that's what I did.

Is Cotton Candy Ittibitz super gross tasting at 11a.m. on an empty stomach?


Is it worth it?

Maybe. If we win.

We'll see.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

A Three Vodka Loss [Twins 6-BoSox 7]

Those Girls missed listening to a good chunk of the game today while we were lunching with a friend who very patiently puts up with our obsessive compulsive baseball behaviors. I kept up with the score on my cell phone. It went something like this:

"We're still winning."

"Yup. We're still winning."

"Still winning."

"Still winning."

"Oh crap. We're losing."

We then were done eating so we could listen to the broadcast in the car.

Then we lost. Again.

It sucked. So, we went to a new sports bar.

I informed the bartender that the Twins just lost again and we were a tad cranky about it. Using some keen self-preservation instincts no doubt, he was pretty nice about it and did not make any smartass "We don't serve Twins fans" jokes as so many fellow Wisconsinites do. Smart man. Then he brought me vodka drinks. Three of them, rapidly and in succession. That was all I had time for before a 4:05 movie.

I learned a very important life lesson today:

There are not enough cocktails in the world to make Twins losses O.K., or to make "The Other Boleyn Girl" a tolerable movie to watch. Crap all around.

And the award for weirdest journalistic segue goes to....

Joe C. for THIS Strib story.

I was following it....Brendan Harris sucks at defense but is good at offense.....Nick Punto sucks at offense but is good at defense....blah blah blah. Then out of no where:

"In politics, Harris said, he leans "heavily to the right."

Gardenhire leans toward defense when picking middle infielders, so Harris will spend the spring showing what he can do."




I don't get it. There is no other mention of politics anywhere. Believe me. I re-read the article three times assuming I had missed something.

It created all sorts of comment-drama. I'm going to keep an eye on those comments tomorrow. I just know that someone is going to say something about someone else's momma, and all hell is going to break loose. Could be entertaining.