Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Story Time: The One Where I Artfully Compare Johan Santana to a Moo Cow.

Once upon a time, in the cold Northwoods, there lived a little GM named Billy Smith. Billy suffered from some self-esteem issues because he had the most boringest name ever, but that is entirely beside the point. Now, Billy had a lot of responsibility on his wee little shoulders because his big brother Terry had abandoned him and left him with all of the chores and heavy lifting to do by himself. And boy was it hard work! His hardest job, by far, was mending holes. Terry had left holes EVERYWHERE in the house, and now Billy was expected to fix them.

One thing that Billy had going for him was his Moo Cow. Now, this wasn't just ANY run of the mill moo cow. No sireee. This was a Grand Champion, twice over, Moo Cow which happened to frequently provide the only steady source of income for Billy and his house. Everyone loved this Moo Cow, and would pay several gold coins just to see it. Because it was THAT awesome. It starred in television ads which amused everyone and made them smile. It also threw an amazing change-up.

However, this Moo Cow grew bigger and bigger and started eating more and more, as moo cows so often do. Pretty soon Billy realized that he might not be able to afford to keep feeding the cow. Billy was very sad, and started asking everyone he met for advice.

Some people told him that he should just keep feeding the Moo Cow whatever it took, because nothing else on Billy's farm was EVER going to attract the kind of consumer attention and national media awareness as the wonderful Moo Cow did.

But Billy's cranky old Uncle Carl said NO. He could NOT keep the Moo Cow anymore because it ate too much and made people too happy.

So, Billy got the idea that maybe if everyone loved his Moo Cow SOOOO much, someone might be willing to buy it, and pay him enough to help mend all of the holes in his house. So, Billy put on his red riding-hood, roped up the Moo Cow, and drug it cross-country on a magical journey to a distant land called The East Coast.

He came to a big shiny house, and knocked on the door. "Fabulous Moo Cow for sale!" he cried. The first little pig came to the door, and said "Ooh, I'd love a moo cow JUST like that. How much?"

"Um...I'm trying to fix a bunch of holes in my house. So I need some stuff for that. What will you give me?"

"How about 4 gold coins, and the best pitching prospect I have?" offered the first little pig, expectantly.

"No thank you. How about I huff and I puff for a while, and then you give me 5 gold coins, your best pitching prospect, and a sandwich?"

"I don't think so," said the little pig, and he slammed the door.

Billy huffed and he puffed, but since the house was made of solid gold bricks, it really didn't do anything but make Billy light-headed. And he eventually wandered off without so much as a sandwich or a cup of tea.

Soon he came to another house, and he knocked on the door. The second little pig came to the door, and Billy gave his "Moo Cow for Sale" pitch again.

"Oh how nice!" said the second little pig. "I could use a moo cow just like that. How much?"

"Um...I'm trying to fix a bunch of holes in my house. So I need some stuff for that. What will you give me?"

"Hmm. How about I give you a center-fielder that is good at baseball, and is pretty to look at, AND has a name that is fun to say? Plus some other stuff even!"

"No thank you. How about I huff and puff for a while out here and then you give me THAT, plus other stuff, PLUS MORE stuff, AND a sandwich?"

"I don't think so," said the second little pig, as he slammed the door tight.

So Billy huffed. And he puffed. But since the house was made of titanium, he got nowhere with that, and he eventually wandered off without so much as a sandwich.

Finally Billy and his Moo Cow found a third house. "Moo Cow for sale, blah blah blah." Billy was tired of wandering around. The Moo Cow was getting hungry and cranky. It was totally obvious to everyone, including the Moo Cow, that Billy was starting to phone it in.

"Great Moo Cow. What do you want for it?"

"Whatever. Some gum, maybe. A chia pet. Seriously, whatever you have laying around."

"Hmm. Well, I couldn't possibly part with the chia pet. It's way too cool," explained the third little pig. "Say, aren't you trying to fix some holes in your house?"

"Maybe," said Billy, who had wandered around so long he couldn't actually remember.

"Well, maybe I can help with that."


"Here are four beans."

"Sweet! Are they magic beans?" asked Billy, who had heard stories of trading perfectly good moo cows for magic beans before.

"Nope. They are Green Beans," explained the pig.

"How will green beans help me fix my holes?"

"Um. They probably won't. But you look kind of dumb. And hungry. So I'm lying to you. Plus, there are FOUR green beans, and you are only giving me ONE Moo Cow. So you are totally winning this deal."

"Wow, little pig. You're right! I AM dumb and hungry. And four IS way more than one. And green is my favorite color. Let's make a deal!"

So the little pig tied up his new Moo Cow. And Billy wandered home to show every one his four green beans.

Everyone wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and asked "Wow....are they magic beans?!"

"Nope," he said. "They are green. They are green beans. But there ARE four of them. You can count them if you want."

The End.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I will think about it LATER.

I'm still nauseous from the news of the Santana trade, so I don't really want to talk about it right now. I will write something tomorrow. I actually think it might be time for another Story Time, so stay tuned.

But until then, I thought I would post my list of favorite moments from Twinsfest Weekend.

  • We renamed the Photo Line the "Make a Twin Hold You For a Minute" Line, and utilized it accordingly. Getting to snuggle up close to Boof, Joe Nathan, Matt Guerrier, Garrett Jones, etc. is totally worth the short wait in line.
  • Likewise, the $5 autograph line frequently became the "Force Carmen Cali to Pay Attention to You for a Small Fee" line. (As opposed to when Carmen tries really hard to ignore us when we yell his name Marco Polo style at the games.)
  • Both of Those Girls separately, and LITERALLY, ran into Ron Gardenhire at different times. Casey touched his belly apologetically, while I accidentally exclaimed "Ooh! Papa Gardy!"....which is our own little nickname for him, but not one that I had intended to share with the man himself. Out Loud. Oops. He gave me roughly the same look that Scott Baker gave me once when I asked him to sign a Build-a-Bear. The look that says "Where is the person that's supposed to be in charge of you?! Do they know that you're missing?!"
  • Boof told Casey that they are "fighting now."
  • I came thisclose to chasing after a little prepubescent puke with a Joe Mauer batting title giveaway bat when he tried to steal my Twins Grab Bags.
  • I took a solemn oath not to say any mean things about Jesse Crain ever again. He's just TOO nice. I can't do it. Seriously. Honestly, I think I might make it my new mission in life to increase the self-esteem of middle relievers.
I'm sure I'm forgetting a number of humorous incidents. We really should not be allowed to be that close to baseball players ever. We tend to be ridiculous.

It's not baseball season quite yet, so it's too early to be picking Boyfriends of the Day....but I do have some Twinsfest Awards to hand out, just to keep the boys happy til Spring.

Most Aesthetically Pleasing Casual-wear Ensemble:

Carmen Cali

Best Hair:

Boof Bonser

Twin who Follows Our Directions/Demands the Best:
Matt Guerrier

Mr. Congeniality
Jesse Crain

Twin Most Likely to Make Me Not Dislike Delmon Young:
Michael Cuddyer

Best Smelling Twin:
Joe Nathan. Hands Down.

Francisco Liriano wins the booby prize award for Twin Most Likely to Screw Up Our Elaborate and Well Thought Out Plans.

So, congratulations to the boys who picked up coveted Those Girls Twinsfest Awards this year. And better luck next year to those who missed out this time. May you all be awesome at baseball this season. (Please. PLEASE be awesome at baseball.)

Tune in tomorrow night for a new Twins Bedtime Story. I promise.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Ouch. The truth hurts.

MSNBC had a piece about how sucky things are for the Twins.

...with the unattainable financial parameters established at $125-million-plus for Johan Santana, it’s only a matter of time before he is traded.

When that happens, there will be only dismal short-term prospects for a team that dropped 17 games in the standings last season with Hunter, Silva and Santana on the roster.

Boy. Just when I had forgotten about how much that sucked. Thanks for the reminder.

Losing Santana, Silva and Matt Garza — dealt for Delmon Young — will mean losing exactly half the starts (81) and just more than 500 innings from last year’s staff.

That will leave a rotation of Liriano, Bonser and a handful of candidates with little big-league experience led by Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey. At least Liriano is expected to be ready to go in spring training after missing all of last season.

Yeah. It's a little terrifying to think about. And maybe Liriano will come back with a vengeance...but you never know after tommy Those Girls are preparing themselves for the possibility of Scott Baker as our Opening Day pitcher. Pitching to Torii Hunter. We're trying to be excited about it. After all, save that one time, Scotty Baker tends to pitch phenomenal games when we're in attendance. Mostly, I just feel a little nauseous though.

And you certainly can envision a July 31 trade-deadline scenario where the Twins part with Nathan, whose contract is up after next season, for more young pieces of the new puzzle.

Unfortunately, you also can envision the 2008 scenario of the Twins being more concerned with dropping behind the White Sox and Royals than catching the Indians and Tigers in the AL Central.

This is the worst sentence ever. I can't go back to the late 90s. I can't do it. Dear Sweet Jesus, don't make me go back.

Anybody know who these T-Wolves fans are? Maybe they will let us borrow their bags.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

A Silver Lining in the Santana Saga

Dragging the inevitable Santana trade out forever might be wreaking havoc on the nervous systems of us Twins fans....

But take heart. There is something positive that we can be thankful for.

The lengthy and so-far fruitless trade talks for Santana are making life harder for Kyle Lohse.

That makes me smile.

Here's the quote from Kyle, talking about his process of landing a contract somewhere as a free agent:
“We’re closing in, but nothing is real imminent right now. We’re getting close, but it’s a long process because of the way the market has been this year, I think it’s been drawn out a little more with all the Santana trade talk, and Bedard, and all these guys, it’s slowed down the process a little bit.”
More quotes from the XM radio interview are here.

So, now I kind of want the talks to drag out even longer. As long as possible. I like the idea of Lohse twisting in the wind, waiting to be some team's fourth or fifth choice.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Friday, January 4, 2008


Another useless random tidbit of information for everyone:

If you search for "Delmon Young" on Ebay, Ebay in its infinite wisdom asks you:

"Did you mean...demon young?"

You hit a guy with a baseball bat one time and you never hear the end of it.


Just when I thought my day could not get any worse.

Then I get home from work to read that the White Sox have acquired Nick F'n Swisher (please note that he is no relation to Torii F'n Hunter. The F'n's are pronounced much MUCH differently in my head.)

As some of you may already know, Nick Swisher is my ARCHENEMY.

I frequently feel that much of Nick Swisher's free time is spent crafting various nefarious and dastardly plots intended to make my life miserable.

This leads me to taunt him from the stands and make fun of his name. Loudly.

I frickin' HATE Nick Swisher.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have yelled "DAMN YOU NICK SWISHER!"

And now we're going to be seeing him so often. I may need to consider asking the doctor from some blood pressure medication. Try to preemptively avoid a massive stroke.

Damn you Nick Swisher. This is your new plan, isn't it? Now you are actually trying to KILL me. You are diabolical, you evil son of a bitch.

In my mind, I do like to imagine that A.J. Pierzynski is going to be a total prick bastard to Nick Swisher ALL the time. That thought makes me happy. Kick his ass for me, A.J.

But I have a couple months til opening day. Plenty of time to practice and perfect my Swisher jeers.

So, bring it on Nick Swisher.




Oooh, I am going to yell so many mean things at you, Nick Swisher. You have no idea. You look like a jackass in your cowboy boots.

AND you have stupid hair.

EDIT: I found this when I was googling "Nick Swisher is an asshole." It made me laugh. (It's funny to me, especially, because I once DID draft Mike Mussina for my fantasy team just because he likes crosswords. And I'm mean to any Yankee players I get too.) Totally worth a read. Except that it says something nice about Grady Sizemore, which is just totally unacceptable in any context.