Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Rays and Phillies Head-to-Head

With the World Series finally here, I thought there's no time like the present to take a head-to-head look at the probable line-ups, and compare them based almost entirely on superficial and meaningless criteria. Because that's what I do.

I love the Rays, but I will try to be objective.

C: Dioner Navarro vs. Carlos Ruiz



Navarro's nickname is "Little Pudge."
Carlos Ruiz's middle name is "Joaquin" (as in, Joaquin Phoenix).
This would seem to be a HUGE advantage for the Phillies, but Navarro did once engage in fisticuffs with Matt Garza, which was very entertaining....so that evens things out.

Winner: Draw

1B: Carlos Pena vs. Ryan Howard



Carlos Pena is quite adorable. But so is Ryan Howard. And Howard has a slight advantage in the Good At Baseball area.

Winner: Howard, barely.

2B: Aki Iwamura vs. Chase Utley



Aki is from Japan. And you know what's big in Japan?
ROBOTS.
Chase Utley said the F-word on ESPN.
So, really, this particular match-up boils down to which I love more....robots, or swearing in prime-time.

Winner: Utley. I know, I'm surprised too.

SS: Jason Bartlett vs. Jimmy Rollins



Jimmy Rollins, you are fairly good at baseball, and I respect that. For that reason, I won't embarrass you with a comparison to Jason Bartlett.

Winner: Bartlett.

3B: Evan Longoria vs. Pedro Feliz



Longoria is crazy-good at baseball, and pretty goshdarn adorable to boot.
Pedro Feliz turned down more money with the Giants to sign with the Phillies, because he apparently he has priorities besides $$$. Which is pretty hot.

Winner: I was tempted to call this a draw too, but Longoria wins in a photo-finish.

RF: Gabe Gross vs. Jayson Werth



Gabe Gross seems like a perfectly lovely person. Jayson Werth looks like he eats perfectly lovely people.

Winner: Gross.

CF: BJ Upton vs. Shane Victorino



Upton has really shone in the post-season, but I have to admit that I've developed a little thing for Shane Victorino recently. He's very entertaining. And the Flyin' Hawaiian is a pretty sweet nickname.

Winner: Victorino.

LF: Carl Crawford vs. Pat Burrell



Pat Burrell seems like a decent enough guy, but I believe it is literally impossible not to love Carl Crawford (as long as your name isn't Delmon Young).

Winner: Crawford.


Game 1 Starters
Scott Kazmir vs. Cole Hamels



Let's face it, they're both pretty awesome at baseball.
Cole Hamels has really great hair. Scott Kazmir has a great name, and I just like him better.

Winner: Kazmir.

Game 2 Starters
James Shields vs. Brett Myers



Brett Myers would probably fare better in this comparison if he were pitching game 3 in Philly instead. Honestly, I can't figure out why they're starting him in Tampa. His ERA is doubled when he pitches away. And he can hit. Maybe Charlie Manuel knows something we don't, but using him in Game 2 seems like a waste.
James Shields looks like a velociraptor when he checks the runner at 1B.

Winner: Shields.

Game 3 Starters
Matt Garza vs. Jamie Moyer



Matt Garza looks perpetually stoned and has a disgusting spitting habit. But, he used to be a Twin, and was BFF with Boof Bonser....which entitles him to 10,000 Super Extra Bonus Points.
Sorry, Jamie....you never had a chance.

Winner: Garza.

So, to summarize.....

Advantage: Rays

4 comments:

Jessica said...

Nice work. I could never have been so unbiased, but I have to admit that I love me some Shane Victorino too! I just hope I don't see any of his webgems in this series!

Anonymous said...

I was just reminding a coworker of Garza's perpetual spitting yesterday.

I also have developed a crush on Hamels, but it's cool.

Advantage: Rays (cuz I'm cheering for them)

--tammy

PatGLex said...

All the Rays look so smug and cocky..... On the other hand, the Phillies are an NL team. Although I am rooting for the Rays (and I don't have a favorite there), I would not be too upset if the Phillies win, since their historical record is just about as bad as the Cubs, and the Rays don't have any historical monkeys on their back.

claudia said...

now we have even more reason to love jason bartlett! he stole free tacos for everyone in america!

my sister and nieces and i refer to garza as 'spitty matt garza.'

carl crawford was way cute when he messed up his line in the line-up. (i was so upset when they cut off bartlett. thank heaven they went back to him.)

and i don't know what it is about victorino, either, but i'm with you there.