Thursday, June 12, 2008

Story Time: Gardylocks and the Eight Dwarfs

Once upon a time lived a fellow named Gardylocks. Gardylocks lived deep in the woods, in a lovely little cottage with a big puffy roof. He was a busy man with lots of important things to do. He needed help, so he employed eight magical dwarfs to keep his house in order.
Their names were:







and Scary.

One day Gardylocks called all of them together to assign each of them a chore.

"OK....who would like to mop?"

Lots of hands shot up.

"Whoa...wait a second....not ALL of you can mop up. Blondie, I don't know you that well, so why don't you mop up for now. Shaggy and Boofy, you'll probably have to do some heavy lifting, I hope that's OK."

He then continued passing out jobs until everyone else had a task too. Twitchy got the best job of all: Closing Doors. Except that sometimes there would be days and days where no one opened any doors at all, so mostly he just sat around and read Sports Illustrated. Smarty and Lefty helped out with Odd Jobs here and there, whenever they were needed. Scary and Ouchie were assigned the jobs of "Holding Important Things," and "Setting Up the Table."

But Scary was a little bit clumsy, and frequently dropped the important things he was supposed to be holding. He tried to set up the table, but broke a lot of dishes in the process. Gardylocks grew concerned about Scary and sat him down for a little chat.

"You know, maybe you are best suited for mopping up after all, Scary. Blondie's got a deathgrip on that mop though, and I only have one. Why don't you grab a broom and try sweeping up before he comes around to mop?"

So, Scary took the broom and tried out his new job of sweeping. Gardylocks came back to check on things.

"Scary! You keep missing the corners!"

It was true. He WAS missing the corners, and huge messes were piling up all over the place as a result. It made even mopping up an even bigger chore than it should be. Sweeping was obviously not Scary's calling either.

Gardylocks finally sent Scary out to walk his dogs. He knew that Scary liked walks, and Gardylocks thought maybe the fresh air might do him some good.

Scary took to that job well. He gave walks every day, and every night. He loved to give walks. Lots and lots of walks. But the dogs feet were getting really tired. So Gardylocks had to pull Scary aside again....

"You're walking them too much!"

Gardylocks wasn't sure what to do with Scary. He needed some time to think.

"Scary, I want you to sit down on that bench and don't move. And don't touch ANYTHING."

But sometimes the other dwarfs would get tired. Blondie's arm would get sore from mopping up all the time. Shaggy and Boofy could only do really heavy lifting once in a while without getting tired. Lefty and Smarty were really only suited for their Odd Jobs, Ouchie had been hurt so often he couldn't really be trusted to be too consistent with anything, and Twitchy had quite a lot of reading to catch up on, so Gardylocks had to let Scary help out sometimes.

He could only wince and grimace whenever he heard the inevitable crashes, as Scary dropped something important, broke dishes, and generally left messes wherever he went.

Gardylocks got cranky. And he realized that it was partly because his cottage was so darn crowded. He did a quick google search and discovered that most other other magical cottages only had SEVEN dwarfs. He had one too many. So, he called a house meeting.

"I have eight dwarfs, and according to my sources, I only need seven. So, I'm sorry guys, but somebody's going to have to go."

Everyone looked pointedly at Scary, except Scary himself who looked at his shoes...



Baseball_Lipgloss said...

You are too f-ing hilarious! Hey, maybe you should send this story to the management team.

dr gonzo said...

i laughed so hard my cube-mates almost had to resuscitate me. thanks for seeing the humor in all this!

S.Rail said...

I LOVED the Rincon one the best. He really is scary. Great Story. Thanks for a laugh!

Mrs. Slowey said...

i love the picture of rincon too to go with the story and the name. it's TOO fitting! :)

Jake said...

The spirit of Bat-girl lives on! Long Live THOSE Girls! Just discovered the site about two seconds ago and you are now officially on my daily check list along with the Geek. Truly truly sassy stuff, thank you!

Mrs. Slowey said...

it looks like dear juan aka "Scary" is on his way out the door! locker was cleaned out! yay!!
we should have a party!

k-bro said...

I *heart* story time with THOSE girls.

Very entertaining, and accurate too.


linda said...

internet knocked out in my area, so catching up. Brava to this story. Scarey is scarey indeed!

Kayla said...

well, it seems you'll have to write a follow-up sooner than possibly expected.

Skippy tastes better than Jiff said...

Great post, but I thought Scarey's real name was Dopey...for many reasons...Anyway, thanks for putting up Batgirl like numbers this month. Your KCPFs (Killer Cool Probability Factor*) are sky high (.793) with this last post...Keep it going!!

* Killer Cool Probability Factor is a measure of fan appreciation, plus nifty words, plus zeal for Twins divided by Twins performance (which makes this even more impressive based upon the Twins miserable performances lately).

Katie said...

Thanks for the kind words everybody!

And Skippy...I totally had "dopey" down first, but then I changed it...thinking "Is that too mean?"

This just proves that you should always go with your first instinct.

lookatthosetwins said...

Great post. I personally would have gone with "fatty" instead of "lefty", but who am I to nitpick?