I feel like I'm a skeptical extra in a movie about baseball. Like someone in the stands during "Little Big League" going "This is a cute idea for a movie, but it's SO ridiculous! Owners can't be managers...plus, there are child labor laws...."
We have 13 pitchers. And only 3 bench players. 1 extra outfielder, 1 extra infielder, and an extra catcher. Today we used Kevin Slowey to pinch run. Which, I guess makes sense, in an unrealistic crappy Disney movie sort of way. We have all these extra pitchers running around, we might as well use them for something. (If this were a humorous Disney movie, there would be a montage of them all assigned to do different odd jobs around the Metrodome....Glen Perkins would moonlight popping popcorn, and Brian Bass would be washing Rick Anderson's car, all to the tune of Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend." God I'm brilliant.) Today Gardy said, apparently with a complete lack of giggling, that he's not afraid to use Livan to hit either.
I call for Livan, and other pitchers, to pinch-hit ALL THE TIME. So, you'd think that I would consider this good news.
But, see, here's the thing: my priorities are different. Or at least they should be. I want pitchers to hit because my #1(and really ONLY) priority is to be entertained. That is MY job in this crazy little equation we call baseball. And I do a damn fine job of it too. NO ONE can be more easily entertained than I can. Pitchers hitting is FUNNY, and super-entertaining with just a smidgen of adorableness.
Gardy's job is to win baseball games. And, thankfully, since I am MOST entertained by winning, our goals overlap a lot of the time. It's handy. But somehow, seriously relying on our excessive pitching staff for offense seems to fit in my area of expertise a little bit better.
It's OK for me to say: "Ooh! Maybe we'll put Livan in to pinch-hit! *giggle*giggle*giggle*"
It is NOT OK for Gardy to say: "Ooh. Maybe we'll put Livan in to pinch-hit. *serious managerial face*"
Gardy, please leave the ridiculous unorthodox slightly insane theory-making to ME. I'm a professional.
I'm going to go to sleep and pray that I am indeed just living in the plot of a really bizarre and unrealistic baseball movie. It's not that far-fetched. I'm pretty sure we are just one peanut-selling orangutan away from having a pretty decent straight-to-DVD release on our hands.