Monday, June 9, 2008

Puke Green No Man's Land

I had a thought watching this Chicago series so far...."Boys, you are NOT cute enough to play this poorly." I partly blame myself for this misunderstanding. I frequently extol certain players' adorable virtues. Perhaps they take that as being given carte blanche to be sucky at baseball. This is not the case. In fact, Those Girls have a very specific standard to which we hold the players and a team as a whole. Let's call it The Official Those Girls Line of Baseball Acceptability.

This is what it looks like on a graph:
A player, or team if we're looking at averages, meets our criteria for Baseball Acceptability if their Good at Baseball Factor and their Adorableness Quotient meet along our line. So, a player who happens to be really adorable but kind of sucky at baseball, and a player who is awesome at baseball but kind of unfortunate in the adorableness department could both be considered worthy of roster spots, and undying Those Girls affection. It's a pretty fair system.

As you can see, based on team averages for the past handful of games, the Twins are currently camped out in the puke-green Mr. Yuck No Man's Land portion of the graph. This is no good. At the team's current level of adorableness, around a 6.10 average, they need to be almost a full point better at baseball to maintain minimal levels of acceptability. I won't hold my breath.

So, instead, maybe the team should be focusing on ways to increase their overall average adorableness quotient. In order to maintain their current craptastic level of baseball [non]goodness, they will need to boost their AQ by a point. I feel like Carlos Gomez has been trying to carry the whole team in this regard, but my god, he's only one man! Everyone is going to have to step up if we're going to make this work.

I've compiled an official list of suggestions:

  • Immediate Personal Grooming Martial Law should go into effect. I suggest that Those Girls should pre-approve any hairstyle changes, and all facial hair maintenance. No team-wide buzz-cutting, no crazy "make myself uglier til I play better" schemes (Yes, Cuddy. I am talking to you.), no poorly-planned haircut disasters, etc. etc. This might not do anything to improve adorableness levels, but it will at least stop the hemorrhaging of the cuteness they already have.
  • Cuddy starts doing his magic tricks during the game.
  • Mandatory team dancing between innings. This can then be recorded and played instead of the game when things get particularly horrific.
  • Puppies in the dugout.
  • Adam Rodriguez, Jensen Ackles and James Franco should be inserted into the 25-man roster immediately. No, it doesn't matter if they can actually play baseball.
  • American Idol-style team karaoke contests before every game.
  • Juggling and acrobatics lessons for everyone. A well-timed juggling routine, or impressive backflip on the field does wonders to spike those adorableness numbers.
  • A team-wide Got Milk? milk-mustache photo-shoot.
  • A general increase in publicity of the boys doing adorable things...playing with kids for charity, pie-eating contests (not you, Boof. Sorry.), spending the next off-day working on a Habitat for Humanity house together, that sort of stuff.
It's not an exhaustive list, but it's a start.

The bottom line is, if the team is going to keep my attention, and my love, they need to pick up the pace. Get better or get cuter. Because, I hate to say it, but when we get tossed around U.S. Cellular like rag dolls three days in a row, I start to get bored. And rewatching my Supernatural DVDs start looking a like lot better way to spend my time.

We have one more day in Chicago. I can't tell if I feel relief about this because it means there's still a chance to at least win one game, or dread because being swept in a 4 game series is 25% more humiliating than being swept in a 3 game series. I guess I'll figure it out later.

On the up side, at least we're not Seattle.


Steve said...

I immediately rated myself on that chart and realized I'm a 1,1 so my day is not off to a good start.

Your a Dean guy? I think you should start a whole Dean vs Sam discussion along the lines of Marianne vs Ginger.

Jessica said...

Great list of suggestions. I for one am very upset that the beard is so popular in baseball. Leave that to the hockey players boys!

Mmmm Jenson Aackles.

Jessica said...

sorry I butchered his name.

k-bro said...

I am all over the adding Adam Rodriguez idea. mmmmm.


S.Rail said...

The Seattle part really got my hopes up. It does really suck to be Seattle right now.

Mrs. Slowey said...

i have the puppy candidate on my blog! he's cute enough to be in the dugout. :)

Katie said...

Steve--Hmm. Sam vs. Dean. To quote my late Great-Grandmother, I wouldn't kick either of them out of my bed for eating crackers. Dean's my favorite though...wise-cracking bad-ass with pretty eyes...doesn't get much better than that.

Jessica--I agree the beards get over-used in baseball. SOME boys pull it off well and wouldn't be nearly as adorable without them, but some boys just can't make it work. Not pretty. They need us to make those difficult decisions for them, clearly.

k-bro--Amen, sister. I sometimes have to close my eyes watching CSI Miami because blood and gross things make me pass out, but I watch it anyway...mostly just for Adam.

S. Rail--Not being Seattle is really the only thing keeping me going. You know you're doing bad when they take your towels away and don't let you shower.

mrs. slowey--too cute!

L said...

I am a fan of the team dancing. And puppies.

Tricia said...

Katie...even though he was merely doing his job, unlike the guys on our team, I think we're due for another post with a "Nick Swisher is the Devil" tag. Two homeruns in one game? Really? Maybe we need to trade some of the adorable players for some ugly ones who can smack the crap out of the ball every day. I dunno...there has to be someting we can do.

Krissy said...

Now I want the "Got Milk" photo to actually happen!!!!
Talk about adorable!!