This is what it looks like on a graph:
A player, or team if we're looking at averages, meets our criteria for Baseball Acceptability if their Good at Baseball Factor and their Adorableness Quotient meet along our line. So, a player who happens to be really adorable but kind of sucky at baseball, and a player who is awesome at baseball but kind of unfortunate in the adorableness department could both be considered worthy of roster spots, and undying Those Girls affection. It's a pretty fair system.
As you can see, based on team averages for the past handful of games, the Twins are currently camped out in the puke-green Mr. Yuck No Man's Land portion of the graph. This is no good. At the team's current level of adorableness, around a 6.10 average, they need to be almost a full point better at baseball to maintain minimal levels of acceptability. I won't hold my breath.
So, instead, maybe the team should be focusing on ways to increase their overall average adorableness quotient. In order to maintain their current craptastic level of baseball [non]goodness, they will need to boost their AQ by a point. I feel like Carlos Gomez has been trying to carry the whole team in this regard, but my god, he's only one man! Everyone is going to have to step up if we're going to make this work.
I've compiled an official list of suggestions:
- Immediate Personal Grooming Martial Law should go into effect. I suggest that Those Girls should pre-approve any hairstyle changes, and all facial hair maintenance. No team-wide buzz-cutting, no crazy "make myself uglier til I play better" schemes (Yes, Cuddy. I am talking to you.), no poorly-planned haircut disasters, etc. etc. This might not do anything to improve adorableness levels, but it will at least stop the hemorrhaging of the cuteness they already have.
- Cuddy starts doing his magic tricks during the game.
- Mandatory team dancing between innings. This can then be recorded and played instead of the game when things get particularly horrific.
- Puppies in the dugout.
- Adam Rodriguez, Jensen Ackles and James Franco should be inserted into the 25-man roster immediately. No, it doesn't matter if they can actually play baseball.
- American Idol-style team karaoke contests before every game.
- Juggling and acrobatics lessons for everyone. A well-timed juggling routine, or impressive backflip on the field does wonders to spike those adorableness numbers.
- A team-wide Got Milk? milk-mustache photo-shoot.
- A general increase in publicity of the boys doing adorable things...playing with kids for charity, pie-eating contests (not you, Boof. Sorry.), spending the next off-day working on a Habitat for Humanity house together, that sort of stuff.
The bottom line is, if the team is going to keep my attention, and my love, they need to pick up the pace. Get better or get cuter. Because, I hate to say it, but when we get tossed around U.S. Cellular like rag dolls three days in a row, I start to get bored. And rewatching my Supernatural DVDs start looking a like lot better way to spend my time.
We have one more day in Chicago. I can't tell if I feel relief about this because it means there's still a chance to at least win one game, or dread because being swept in a 4 game series is 25% more humiliating than being swept in a 3 game series. I guess I'll figure it out later.
On the up side, at least we're not Seattle.