Monday, May 5, 2008

Story Time: The Boof Who Lost His Hair

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Boof. Boof was known for two things: pitching baseballs for his team, and for his beautiful head of hair. But few people understood that the two things were actually magically linked. The longer Boof’s hair grew, up to a reasonable point, the better he pitched. His fastball got faster, his curveball got curvier, his slider slid more, and the strike zone seemed to grow bigger! Boof started to sense that his hair played a part in this, so he took great care to maintain it the best he could.

When he went to the Baseball Haircut Store, they showed him different pictures of things he could try.

When they showed him:

“Too short!” he cried.

When they showed him:

“Too long!” he said.

But when they showed him:

He sighed, “This one’s just right!”

But most townspeople still did not understand the importance of Boof’s good hair. They said “Boof, you’re pitching great, but you should cut your hair! Doubt about his magical hair began to creep into Boof’s mind. The foolhardy townsfolk continued to pester him, and when they finally said “You know, we’d like you better if you cut your hair,” it was the last straw. Boof made his way to the Baseball Haircut Store again, completely ignoring the ominous soundtrack music playing in the background.

When he got to the store, he pointed to:

The Baseball Haircut Sellers gasped and said “No! It’s too short!”

But Boof shook his head and said “no, I want this one…..but could you leave me just a little bit of hair on top? I’m kind of attached.”

The Baseball Haircut Store employees knew that this was a BAD idea, but the customer is always right. So they sent him off with Clancy the haircutter. However, unbeknownst to anyone, Clancy had actually missed “How to Use Scissors” Day in Kindergarten, because he was out with the chicken pox. He’d been lying on his resume for years.

Clancy clipped and snipped away the best he could, until only a wee bit of magical hair was left on top of Boof’s head.

Boof ran out the door on the way to the baseball game. The Haircut Sellers yelled after him “Wait! We’re having a special on facial hair bleaching!”

“No thanks!” yelled Boof, because there is a God.

When the baseball game started, Boof immediately realized what the ominous background music had been trying to warn him about: he had made a very poor decision. Suddenly his slider wouldn’t slide, his curveball wouldn’t curve, and the strike zone seemed so small that even his fastest fastball couldn’t find its way to the right spots. Boof struggled mightily, but was eventually able to get three outs.

When he went to the dugout, his good friend Mike Redmond found him looking very, very sad.

“What seems to be the trouble, Little Camper?” asked Mike.
“Oh Mike, I cut my hair and now I can’t pitch! It was a very poor decision,” explained Boof.
“Didn’t you realize that the two things were magically connected?”
“Sort of. But the townspeople said that they’d like me better if I cut my hair.”
“Well, the townspeople didn’t like me when I pitched bad, understandably. But then they didn’t like me much better when I pitched really GOOD either. Lots of people say mean things about me and it hurts my feelings! So, I thought maybe it was the hair. It was worth a try. I just want people to love me!”
“Oh, silly Boof! I love you. And Nick Punto also loves you.
“Does the guy with the sideburns love me?”
“Yes. Joe Mauer loves you too. AND I know for a fact that there are at least a few fans who love you whether you are good, or bad. And they probably even love you when you get an awful haircut, although honestly, you might be pushing your luck there.”
“Thanks Mike! I feel better already.”
“Plus, hair follicles grow really fast. They’re probably starting to grow a little even as we speak! So, everything will be OK. Don’t worry, Boof. You’ll do great.”

With his confidence boosted once again, and magical hair follicles starting to grow, Boof was able to go back out and play some more. His fastball was faster, his curveball was curvier and his slider was sliding just like it should.

Then, to prove how much they loved him, his teammates tried really hard, and won the game anyway!

And the fans who love him whether his is good or bad, learned to love him with a bad haircut too.

The End.


Howard said...

Oof, that hurts. Another reminder to be careful what you wish for, although Boof told Ms. Baseball at Champps last night that blog hair critiques had nothing to do with his decision. Nicely done!

Katie said...

My initial, verbatim, reaction was "Oh my god, Howard WHAT DID YOU DO?!?"

James said...

I loved this post.

Katie said...

Thanks, James!

k-bro said...


Great story. I love how Redmond made everything ok again.

When I saw Boof, my initial reaction was very similar. Something like "Ugh. I wish Howard wouldn't have said that about his hair." Oh well, I hope he allows to grow back some.


Katie said...

Mike Redmond always makes everything better for me too.

MPLS Fats said...

I like Boof's new due. Perhaps its not as fashionable as his old due, but it is much less aristocratic. His old haircut made him look like some Lord who was about to ride into battle and smite peasants.

Katie said...

But this new one makes him look a little bit like Forrest Gump.

Which is NOT a good thing. And, incidentally, the meanest thought I am physically able to express about Boof Bonser.

And now I feel guilty.

thrylos98 said...

The do is bad enough, but what's up with that eye makeup he seems to be wearing in that bench shot?