Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Whatever Nick Swisher has, I think it's contagious.

I owe anyone within a 3 block radius of me this afternoon a profound apology for the amount of unbelievably loud, prolonged, and all-around excessive and foul profanity I subjected the neighborhood to today. I am pretty sure that in the throes of anger I actually invented 7 or 8 new swears. Which is kind of impressive, if you think about it.

Did anyone else envision that goddamned grandslam a fraction of a second before it actually happened? Because I did. I saw it happen in my head, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was horrible.

Up until the spectacular bullpen melt-down, I was really enjoying the game. Even with Opening Day, plus a whole week of baseball under our belts, it never really feels like Spring until we face the Sox. Ozzie was being Ozzie (namely loud, and completely crazy), A.J. was as hot as ever (I really wish we would have had outdoor baseball when A.J. was still around, because he rocks a pair of sunglasses like nobody's business. He makes "complete asshole" look really good to me, sorry. If it helps, I felt dirty for the whole game.), and all the South-side boys were playing just good enough to make us earn a win. Which, ultimately, we did not do. Obviously.

But let's get down to the real story of the day.

What the HELL is growing on Nick Swisher's face?

Is that intentional? Or is it like a fungus growth or something?

I really thought that there was nothing in the entire universe that could make Nick Swisher more distasteful to me. But I was wrong. There is Nick Swisher Face Fungus.

This makes his old Oakland-A's Just-Stepped-Off-the-Prison-Bus-Chic Look seem good in comparison.

Hey Nick, you know what would go really notgood with your new probably-intentional look? Your super-notcool notsexy cowboy boots! yay!

Oh my god, I hate Nick Swisher so much.

And his poor taste in facial hair/fungus seems to be rubbing off on some of his teammates. Most regrettably, Boone Logan. Previously, Boone had been adorable enough for me to frequently assert that he was definitely cute enough to be on the Twins roster instead.

Boone Logan: BEFORE

But now he seems to be trying to work towards the ZZ Top look. Not adorable.

Boone Logan: AFTER

In fact, I'd say that he skipped right from looking Twins-Adorable to looking Oakland-Homicidal. This is why I suspect Nick Swisher's foul play at work.

Nick Swisher moves in, and there goes the Central Division Neighborhood. Lock your doors and hide your children. It's too late for Boone, but I just hope and pray that our boys can avoid the Nick Swisher uglifying-fungus. Our adorableness is a KEY component to our success as a team. We need to be constantly vigilant in protecting that all important asset.


Aaron Fix said...

I honestly thought that he had hurt his chin, and that he was wearing some sort of complicated patch of band-aids and gauze. I can't believe that is hair.

Katie said...

And a new nickname is born:

Nick "I Can't Believe That's Hair" Swisher.

Like "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." but even grosser.

Tricia said...

I think everyone who blogs about the Twins agrees that the White Sox players have the fugliest beards ever. I know I do, the guys at Alright Hamilton! do, and I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting. Do you suppose they have to grow those nasty things in order to be on the team?

S.Rail said...

eew *puking noises*

wtf was he thinking...oh wait, he's Nick Swisher, he doesn't think..

L said...

That beard-or-what-ever-it-is is disgusting...HE'S NOT EVEN BLONDE!

And Boone Logan had so much potential to be cute...and I thought he was going for more of a 'King Tut'...

nelle said...

Do you think he dips his chin in bleach every night before bed?

Becca said...

what a bunch of fuglies. yuck!