Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Oh, It's Play by Play

So, nobody wants to broadcast today's game against the Devil Rays? That's fine.

I will do it myself.

I have a slowly refreshed MLB score to go off of...and that's it. So....I'm just going to imagine what's going on. I can be a little psychic sometimes, so I'm sure it'll be pretty accurate.

Twins starting line-up today:

Span CF
Punto 2B
Cuddyer RF
Jones 1B
Redmond C
Lamb 3B
Kubel LF
Clark DH
Everett SS

Pre-Game: Jason Bartlett keeps sneaking over to the Twins side. There's a lot of hugging and tears. The Rays coaches keep having to come over and drag him back. It's really sad.

Top of the 1st:
Denard Span gets himself a hit, but Punto, Cuddyer and Jones are retired in order, mostly because they're all too distracted waving to Jason Bartlett in the infield, and wiping away tears. Denard never made the squad, so he didn't know Jason as well and was able to focus on hitting.

Bottom of the 1st:
Boof Bonser looks great on the mound today. And he's pitching pretty well too, striking out the lead-off man. He couldn't bear to pitch to his BFF Jason, but the pitching coaches told him he had to "or else." So he closed his eyes and just flung the ball...but he's so awesome that the blind pitches landed in the zone for strikes anyway, and Jason Bartlett was too sad to even swing the bat, so he struck out. Carlos Pena got a hit because he forgot that it's a new season and he's not ON my fantasy team anymore, and is therefore no longer encouraged to do awesome things. Boof then decided to channel his sadness into rage and easily ended the inning with no more hits.

Top of the 2nd:
Mike Redmond batted shirtless to try to cheer everyone up...but he flew out anyway. Mike Lamb, who doesn't know Jason Bartlett at ALL, singled. But then Jason Kubel hit the ball right to Jason, just because it's really fun to watch him turn a double play. Yup. He's still good at it. The coaches give the boys a lecture about how they're playing, but use a new tactic....a delightful song and dance rendition of "Get Your Head in the Game" from High School Musical. It was pretty inspiring. Joe Vavra has a wonderful singing voice, believe it or not.

Bottom of the 2nd:
Boof continues to be awesome. From the field, Jason Bartlett leads the Boof-friendly St. Petersburg crowd in a rousing "Booooooooooof" cheer.

Top of the 3rd: Denard Span gets another hit. Boy, he really wants that job. He clearly has taken my advice to heart and has been working on that Good At Baseball thing. No one else can hit anything though. I can't blame them.

Bottom of the 3rd:
Boof, in order to make up for the 1st inning, throws Jason Bartlett a nice soft toss right over the plate, and gets him on base. But then Carlos Pena, after being gently reminded that he doesn't need to be awesome anymore, strands him on base to end the inning. Boof is so awesome.

Top of the 4th:
Cuddyer and Jones both single, then Redmond brings home Cuddy. He obviously has "Get Your Head in the Game" stuck in his head. Kubel starts humming it too, and brings in Jones. Howie Clark grounds out, but an unusually speedy Redmond scores anyway. 3-0. Jason Bartlett is applauding in the infield. His teammates keep giving him dirty looks, but he shrugs it off. Some love is forever.

Bottom of the 4th:
Nick Blackburn takes over for Boof. Two strikeouts. Yes, Nick you are both adorable AND good at baseball. Good job.

Top of the 5th:
Rain Delay. There's a really touching moment when all the Twins huddle around Jason Bartlett, and Nick Punto explains to Jason that it's not really raining....it's the angels crying. (Real heavenly angels, not the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim who are complete d-bags.)

And then they called the game for the day.

After the short game, the team is taking Jason to Chipotle for dinner. Garza is going to go too. Then Boof and Jason and Garza are going to get matching BFF tattoos, they're going to help Boof pick out a shirt to wear tomorrow, and then plot a way for Boof to sneak them both back to Minnesota in his suitcase.


k-bro said...

Oh sure. The minute I start following your totally awesome play-by-play, it begins to rain. Sorry.


L said...

Best play-by-play ever. Jason totally cried. Matt did too.

Tricia said...

Excellent play-by-play. Totally enthralling, far more interesting that the real one would've been, for sure.

Karleeee said...

Oof, my baby daddy.

I'm cheating on my twins boyfriend (Punto) with Oof.

It's hard not to.
I mean, come on.

My friend was at the game.
Her fave was Bartlett, she said she felt awkward seeing him now in a twins uniform, haha.

John Staton said...

I'm laughing, but trying not to make noise, so I'm actually hurting because of the laughter. Curse youuuuuu.