Monday, March 24, 2008

Bold Predictions: The Magical Science of Anagrams

There are so many tools one can use to make predictions about a team's upcoming season. But they're all kind of boring and superficial, if you ask me. So, I decided to dig a little deeper and have come up with some pretty bold predictions for our team this season....

.....using nothing more than the magical mystical power of anagrams.

That's right. There must be some sort of underlying power to the letters that form our names, that might tell us something about our future or nature...or something. So, I've come up with anagrams for everyone, and have used them to divine some hidden meanings, and to tell the future. It's pretty neat.

For example, "Minnesota Twins" becomes "It isn't new moans." Which could be good...maybe there will be no moaning at all. Or bad....Maybe it isn't new moans, because it is just old moans. Like, 1999 moans. Subjective interpretation is a bitch.

Some of them are easy though. Like "Joe Vavra," which is "Over java." So, I can therefore predict with 100% certainty that our batting coach is going to stop drinking coffee.

Anagrams are a great tool, aren't they?

Let's try it out on the team.

First up, the question that's on everyone's radar: Who's in Center, and how will they do?

Carlos Gomez
AKA (anagrammically known as)
"Crazes gloom"

I believe that this means that Carlos is going to turn the gloomy frowns of Minnesota fans upside down and make us crazy for him. We do love stolen bases, don't we?

Denard Span
AKA
"Sap and Nerd"

This does not sound promising. I think that the hidden meaning here is that Denard is going to be outed by his teammates (probably Redwings....if you catch my drift) for being a Trekkie. They will call him a sap, and a nerd. Kids can be so cruel.

Jason Pridie
AKA
"Join Praised"

This means that Jason is going to have a good season, one way or another. He will join the ranks of the players we praise for being good at baseball.

And our other outfielders?

Michael Cuddyer
AKA
"Icy Cream Huddle"


Taking his role as team leader seriously, Cuddy will try to bribe his young teammates to do well, by getting them together in pre-game huddles and promising to buy them ice cream if they win.

Jason Kubel
AKA
"So junkable"

Ouch. I hope this one is wrong. Or simply refers to Jason spring cleaning his garage and deciding that most of the stuff is so junkable, he doesn't need to keep it. Yeah, that's it!

Delmon Young
AKA
"On ugly demon"

This one is pretty obvious, isn't it? At some point this season, demons (possibly the Oakland A's....) will attack the Metrodome, and the players will have to protect the fans by becoming demon hunters, and Delmon Young will volunteer to take out the meanest and ugliest demon (Eric Chavez, perhaps). It's pretty brave of him.

Craig Monroe
AKA
"Moronic Rage"

Hmm. Whose moronic rage? THAT is the question. I'm thinking Waldo, Torii Hunter's biggest fan over there in the Homerun Porch. Perhaps, after a long cold winter of stewing over the loss of his idol, he will just snap one day when Craig is playing Center, and will jump on the field, attacking the poor man for not being Torii Hunter. Which is totally not his fault. Hence the moronic part.

On to the infield...

Justin Morneau
AKA
"Injure amounts"

Um...I'm going to say that this means that Justin is going to be more careful this season to make sure that he stays healthy and his injure amounts are low. So, if you asked him "Hey Justin, how are your injure amounts this season?" He would say "Low, man. Super low. Thanks for asking."

Brendan Harris
AKA
"Her darn brains."

This means that I will be successful in converting Brendan Harris to a liberal way of thinking when I deluge him with super smart political arguments. When he realizes what I've done, he will chuckle, realizing that "her darn brains" got the best of him.

Nick Punto
AKA
"Not unpick"

Gardenhire will not unpick LNP, and he will get to keep playing.

Mike Lamb
AKA
"Milk beam"

Mike will become a Land O' Lakes spokesman, and his pro-milk messages will be beamed into countless midwest households, thanks to the magic of television.

Adam Everett
AKA
"A meet advert"

Adam's teammates will be amused by his increasing insistence that at least half of the "Missed Connections" craigslist ads for the Twin Cities refer to him.

Brian Buscher
AKA
"Cherub's brain"

After being conked on the head by a ball, Buscher will become convinced that HE is an Angel in the Infield and will do that silly arm-flappy thing all the freaking time.

Matt Tolbert
AKA
"Tomb Tartlet"

I think this one just means that Matt spends too much time playing Tomb Raider.

The Catchers...

Joe Mauer
AKA
"Jo, urea me!"

(Joe has a hard name to anagram...sue me.) I think this means that at some point during the season, someone is going to get stung by a jellyfish, and they are going to need Joe to pee on them.

Mike Redmond
AKA
"Kiddo Mermen"

Redmond's sons are really going to excel at swimming this year. Good to know.

Starting Pitchers....

Livan Hernandez
AKA
"Nerd in hazel van."

Livan will be yelled at by a nerdy fan in a van that is either brown, or green. Or maybe blue. Or possibly gray.

Boof Bonser
AKA
"Be Orbs of 'No'."

I think that "Orbs of 'No'" clearly refers to balls thrown for strikes. This means Boof will have a lot of K's this season.

Scott Baker
AKA
"Stab Rocket"

Oh no! Scott Baker is going to stab Roger Clemens this year! We should start collecting money for a good defense attorney NOW probably.

Francisco Liriano
AKA
"Cranial Coif Irons"

After watching a Project Runway marathon in his hotel room one day, Francisco will be inspired to grow his hair out, and start flat-ironing it like Christian. He will also start referring to himself as "fierce."

Kevin Slowey
AKA
"Weekly Vinos"

Kevin Slowey will join a Mexican Wine of the Week club. Then he'll start to loosen up a little.

Nick Blackburn
AKA
"Nick-nack Blurb"

Nick will augment his league-minimum salary by starting his own Ebay-selling business where he will help Jason Kubel sell the stuff from his garage by writing great blurbs about the junk.

Philip Humber
AKA
"Humble hip rip"

This could possibly refer to a hip injury of some sort, humbling poor Philip (not to mention sending his injure amounts soaring). Of course I also anagramed this out to "I lip hump Herb..." but those possibilities are just too disturbing to consider.

(I tried to anagram Brian Bass too....but all I could see were a lot of "bras," a lot of "ass" and a lot of "Bi." And after the lip-humping thing....I figured it was better just not to go there at all. Sorry Brian.)

And I thought I'd finish things off with the boys in the 'pen.

Dennys Reyes
AKA
"Sends NY Eyre"

This is a weird one, as it seems to predict that Reyes will attempt to broker some sort of deal to get the Rangers to trade Willie (or maybe the Cubs to trade Scott, since Willie's out for the year anyway) to one of the NY teams. Totally bizarre. But you can't argue with precise science like this.

Juan Rincon
AKA
"Ninja Corn U"

Juan Rincon will seem marginally cooler to me this season, because he has the word "ninja" in his name. (Note: his name also has the word "unicorn." Weird....)

Jesse Crain
AKA
"Jean crises"

Jesse will lose his favorite pair of jeans and will over-react. Repeatedly. (Lame, I know. But my other option was "Sis can jeer" and that seemed too mean.)

Matt Guerrier
AKA
"Get Terrarium"

Matt will finally be able to cross "Get Terrarium" off of his to-do list, when he gets a terrarium.

Pat Neshek
AKA
"A hen's kept."

Pat and his wife will start raising chickens. (But not eating them.)

Joe Nathan
AKA
"No Jean Hat"

Joe becomes invaluable to his teammates, not only because of his save percentage, but also because of his keen fashion advice. (I was really hoping his name would anagram out to "Contract Extension," but there wasn't enough letters. Darn it.)


And as for the game today, I didn't listen to it because I was super busy feeling sick and sleeping. But I think Jason Pridie can be the Boyfriend today. Because I want to. And because I found this sweet pic of him from like Senior Picture day or something.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

or more likely Delmon Young's split-personality is a baseball player that rides an Ugly Bat-Tossing Demon

k-bro said...

This was so magical mystical that it made my eyes water.

k-bro

Anonymous said...

chaces are, if Frankie does try to grow out and then flat iron his hair, it will be nixed by Gardy. we have clean-cut boys here in Twins Territory, save those shaggy mops for Oakland or Boston.

(Still, it's hard to argue with the scientific process)

-tammy

L said...

'Joe Nathan' totally spells 'Contract Extension'.

These were great-- definitely made my day.

Karleeee said...

hahaha i did anagrams last year for the players names. I would be a nice lady and find the link but that would take me too long.

Karlee has a hang over.