Tuesday, February 19, 2008

An incredibly mathematical analysis: Part Five

This is the fifth and final installment in my in-depth player analysis.

The Catchers

Joe Mauer

Adorableness Quotient (AQ): This is probably going to be my most controversial judgment call. Because, in my opinion, Joe Mauer's AQ stock has been drastically decreasing. Sure, he used to be totally adorable...back when the sideburns were still novel, and he had to borrow his mom's car to drive to the games. But now....eh. I'm kind of over it. It's not that I dislike Joe, per se. It's just that everybody else seems to love him SO much, I feel like my militant disinterest is necessary in order to keep the universe in balance. Still, he's an attractive, and freakishly tall, young man, and he sells bazillions of dollars of Mauer merchandise to shrieking fan girls...so I'll give a little credit for that.

Final AQ Score: 7.20

The Good At Baseball Factor (GABF): Those Girls first coined the phrase "constantly broken" to describe Joe Mauer. Sunday night, I had a very vivid dream where I was reading a news article about how Mauer had injured himself on the first day of Spring Training. When I woke up, it took me a minute to decide if I had only dreamt it, or if it had actually happened. It seemed likely enough, and I wasn't satisfied until I checked every major baseball news source to make sure he was still functional. Still, when he is NOT busy being a weenie, he can be very VERY good at baseball. How much fun was that batting title?! I give Joe serious bonus points for kicking not one, but TWO Yankee asses for that '06 title.

Final GABF Score: 8.85

Total Awesomeness Rating: 16.05
Like it matters.....he's Joe Mauer.

Mike Redmond

AQ: He's got arguably the best sense of humor on the team. His fondness for good-natured nudity is well documented. He's all about personality, and team chemistry and getting every all fired up one way or another. He loves movies as much as I do. I just love Mike Redmond so much. I'm always happier when he's in the line-up.

Final AQ Score: 10.00

GABF: Mike is pretty dependable on offense. He's not fast, but he's dependable. But I think the biggest strength he brings to the team is his ability to work so well with young pitchers. And god help us, that's going to be a pretty important asset to have this season. Invaluable, I'd say.

Final GABF Score: 8.00

TAR: 18.00
Mike Redmond is so awesome, it's hard to contain it with mere numbers.


Our Most Adorable Players

Joe Nathan, Mike Redmond, Michael Cuddyer and Nick Punto all get gold stars for earning perfect tens in adorableness. Matt Guerrier, Carmen Cali and Boof Bonser are right on their heels with near perfect 9.75 scores.

Highest Ranking Newbie
Brendan Harris clocked in with an impressive 16.00 TAR. Delmon Young is a close runner-up with 15.75.

The Top Five Twins Players in terms of Total Awesomenss Ratings
5. Mike Redmond 18.00
3. Justin Morneau 18.75 (tie)
3. Matt Guerrier 18.75 (tie)
2. Michael Cuddyer 18.95
1. Joe Nathan 19.45

Congratulations guys, you meet, and exceed even, Those Girls' standards for excellence...namely being both adorable AND good at baseball!

The Hall of Shame...the five LEAST totally awesome players.
5. Dennys Reyes 11.65
4. Alexi Casilla 10.75
3. Denard Span 9.30
2. Julio DePaula 8.45
1. Juan Rincon 7.85

Boys...for those of you in the bottom tier....you've got a lot of work to do. You either need attitude adjustments, life coaches, hobbies or just plain old extra practice in the batting cages or bullpens.

Overall, I'd say that our team ranks significantly above average in adorableness. Our goodness at baseball can continue to use some work...but I think our numbers are steadily going to increase as we inch closer to 2010 and our new ballpark.


Jeff said...

This is how math should always be used. Thank you, THOSE Girls!

Katie said...

Had there been boys as adorable as the Minnesota Twins in my calculus class, I probably would have had better attendance.

Linda said...

Excellent post-enjoyed it all and could not agree more.

Baseball_Lipgloss said...

Thanks for tackling the sometimes touchy topic of Baby Jesus! I concur!

L said...

I think this is the first ever sports analysis I have ever completely agreed with.

And seriously, who DOESN'T love Mike Redmond?!

Anonymous said...

I love Redmond all the more because we no longer have to watch Henry "Mango face" Blanco.

Karleeee said...

Im glad someone hates juan rincon as much as me.