Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Story Time: The One Where I Artfully Compare Johan Santana to a Moo Cow.

Once upon a time, in the cold Northwoods, there lived a little GM named Billy Smith. Billy suffered from some self-esteem issues because he had the most boringest name ever, but that is entirely beside the point. Now, Billy had a lot of responsibility on his wee little shoulders because his big brother Terry had abandoned him and left him with all of the chores and heavy lifting to do by himself. And boy was it hard work! His hardest job, by far, was mending holes. Terry had left holes EVERYWHERE in the house, and now Billy was expected to fix them.

One thing that Billy had going for him was his Moo Cow. Now, this wasn't just ANY run of the mill moo cow. No sireee. This was a Grand Champion, twice over, Moo Cow which happened to frequently provide the only steady source of income for Billy and his house. Everyone loved this Moo Cow, and would pay several gold coins just to see it. Because it was THAT awesome. It starred in television ads which amused everyone and made them smile. It also threw an amazing change-up.

However, this Moo Cow grew bigger and bigger and started eating more and more, as moo cows so often do. Pretty soon Billy realized that he might not be able to afford to keep feeding the cow. Billy was very sad, and started asking everyone he met for advice.

Some people told him that he should just keep feeding the Moo Cow whatever it took, because nothing else on Billy's farm was EVER going to attract the kind of consumer attention and national media awareness as the wonderful Moo Cow did.

But Billy's cranky old Uncle Carl said NO. He could NOT keep the Moo Cow anymore because it ate too much and made people too happy.

So, Billy got the idea that maybe if everyone loved his Moo Cow SOOOO much, someone might be willing to buy it, and pay him enough to help mend all of the holes in his house. So, Billy put on his red riding-hood, roped up the Moo Cow, and drug it cross-country on a magical journey to a distant land called The East Coast.

He came to a big shiny house, and knocked on the door. "Fabulous Moo Cow for sale!" he cried. The first little pig came to the door, and said "Ooh, I'd love a moo cow JUST like that. How much?"

"Um...I'm trying to fix a bunch of holes in my house. So I need some stuff for that. What will you give me?"

"How about 4 gold coins, and the best pitching prospect I have?" offered the first little pig, expectantly.

"No thank you. How about I huff and I puff for a while, and then you give me 5 gold coins, your best pitching prospect, and a sandwich?"

"I don't think so," said the little pig, and he slammed the door.

Billy huffed and he puffed, but since the house was made of solid gold bricks, it really didn't do anything but make Billy light-headed. And he eventually wandered off without so much as a sandwich or a cup of tea.

Soon he came to another house, and he knocked on the door. The second little pig came to the door, and Billy gave his "Moo Cow for Sale" pitch again.

"Oh how nice!" said the second little pig. "I could use a moo cow just like that. How much?"

"Um...I'm trying to fix a bunch of holes in my house. So I need some stuff for that. What will you give me?"

"Hmm. How about I give you a center-fielder that is good at baseball, and is pretty to look at, AND has a name that is fun to say? Plus some other stuff even!"

"No thank you. How about I huff and puff for a while out here and then you give me THAT, plus other stuff, PLUS MORE stuff, AND a sandwich?"

"I don't think so," said the second little pig, as he slammed the door tight.

So Billy huffed. And he puffed. But since the house was made of titanium, he got nowhere with that, and he eventually wandered off without so much as a sandwich.

Finally Billy and his Moo Cow found a third house. "Moo Cow for sale, blah blah blah." Billy was tired of wandering around. The Moo Cow was getting hungry and cranky. It was totally obvious to everyone, including the Moo Cow, that Billy was starting to phone it in.

"Great Moo Cow. What do you want for it?"

"Whatever. Some gum, maybe. A chia pet. Seriously, whatever you have laying around."

"Hmm. Well, I couldn't possibly part with the chia pet. It's way too cool," explained the third little pig. "Say, aren't you trying to fix some holes in your house?"

"Maybe," said Billy, who had wandered around so long he couldn't actually remember.

"Well, maybe I can help with that."


"Here are four beans."

"Sweet! Are they magic beans?" asked Billy, who had heard stories of trading perfectly good moo cows for magic beans before.

"Nope. They are Green Beans," explained the pig.

"How will green beans help me fix my holes?"

"Um. They probably won't. But you look kind of dumb. And hungry. So I'm lying to you. Plus, there are FOUR green beans, and you are only giving me ONE Moo Cow. So you are totally winning this deal."

"Wow, little pig. You're right! I AM dumb and hungry. And four IS way more than one. And green is my favorite color. Let's make a deal!"

So the little pig tied up his new Moo Cow. And Billy wandered home to show every one his four green beans.

Everyone wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and asked "Wow....are they magic beans?!"

"Nope," he said. "They are green. They are green beans. But there ARE four of them. You can count them if you want."

The End.


Jesse said...

This is the funniest Twins-related thing I've read in a long, LONG time...awesome.

...and a sandwich.

JimCrikket said...

Despite the fact that I feel strongly that you're being much too hard on Bill Smith... that's just friggin hilarious!

Well done!

bluewater said...

This is excellent. The best compliment I can give is that as I was reading, I was imagining this story being shown in Legovision!


Katie said...

yes, it's too hard on Smith. But how can you write a good bedtime story and NOT use the name Billy Smith? Try it. I dare you.

I'm glad everyone is enjoying themselves. When things get crappy, I make my own fun!

k-bro said...

Wow. This was a great story. You made me smile today. Thanks. :-)


Dusty said...

You have made my day, and thats not easy to do ;)

sarah* said...

That is what i call a story...and might i say..soo acurate!