Friday, September 21, 2007

One last hurrah.

The blog has been slacking, as real life sometimes forces itself to be a priority.

But we'll be at the Dome all weekend, so no doubt there will be various Tales of Ribaldry when we're through. Tune in.

Until then, the whole team is the B.O.D. for getting a sweep. Even if it was just Texas.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Story Time: How Nick Punto Came To Be

Once upon a time, a young lad named Little Nicky Punto was walking home through the forest one evening after a particularly grueling game of Little League. Nicky loved baseball more than anything else, and was talking out-loud to himself about that very thing as he walked.

"Boy, I sure do love baseball!" exclaimed Nicky. "I wish I could play baseball forever and be the most awesome player ever."

As fate would have it, his words were overheard. Out of the trees galloped a sparkling and stoic pink ninja, astride a stunningly beautiful, and obviously magical, unicorn.



"Whoa!......Hiya mister!" said a rather stunned Punto to the ninja.

"Um...he doesn't talk," explained the unicorn, who did. "He's a ninja. So, he's totally into being silent and stealthy and whatnot. It's his thing. Just between you and me, it can be a little irritating sometimes."

"Oh. I see," said Nick. "May I ask you what are you doing here?"

The unicorn nodded. "We are the magical duo of Sparkle Ninja and Unicorn. We travel the world using our special mystical powers to grant the wishes of good little boys, just like you. We have heard your wish to be an awesome baseball player forever and ever."

"Really?! Do you think you might be able to grant my wish?" Little Nicky Punto's tiny heart was racing with excitement.

"I think we just might!" The unicorn winked at the boy. "Sparkle Ninja! Show me the magical bag!"

The ninja stealthily grabbed a black velvet out of thin air and allowed the unicorn to peer inside.

"Hmm....yes. I do see some options here. Let's see....."

Nicky Punto was jumping up and down with anticipation.

"You have an important choice to make, Little Nicky Punto. We can either make you an amazing power hitter who can hit home-runs all the time...."

"YES!" exclaimed Nicky.

"Wait, wait, wait," said the unicorn. "OR, you can be a magical third baseman and have the ability to fly!"




"Ooh! I've always wanted to fly!" said Nicky. "Do I still get to hit the home-runs too!?"

"Well.........No," said the unicorn. "Honestly, sometimes you won't really be hitting much of anything at all."

"Oh," said Nicky Punto, looking dejected. "Why would I want to do that, then? I want to be an AWESOME baseball player."

"You will be! You will be an awesome defensive player. And you will almost always be in the starting line-up, because you can fly and do amazing backflips and other magical things! Anyone can just hit home-runs...."

"Nuh uh! Not my friend Jason Tyner! He can't hit home-runs!"

The unicorn made a mental note to make a visit to a little boy named Jason someday. "Well, not yet.......but you're missing the point, Nick. Anyone can just hit home-runs. But how many baseball players can fly?"

"That's true. But I'm still not sure. If I'm not hitting the ball, won't all the fairweather fans, sports columnists, bloggers and talk radio jackasses say mean things about me and hurt my feelings? That wouldn't be fun OR awesome."

The unicorn could see that Little Nicky Punto needed some more convincing. He peered back into the magical bag.

"Well, if you choose to be a flying third baseman, we'll throw in an extra large dose of pheromones for you."

"Fair-o-whats?!" asked Nicky.

"Pheromones. They make you attractive to the opposite sex. So, no matter how badly you're hitting, or how many mean things people are saying about you, any women who come within 100 yards of you will find you inexplicably attractive and irresistible! You will always have dozens of them along the third base line, screaming your name."

"Sold." Little Nicky Punto was young, but he wasn't stupid.

"I thought that might do the trick." And with that, the unicorn nodded to Sparkle Ninja, who reached in the bag and sprinkled Little Nicky Punto with the magical sparkling powder, which was NOT manufactured by BALCO.

Nicky could feel the magic working already, and he was very, very happy.

"Could you make me tall too?!"

"Look, kid. We're just a pink ninja and a talking unicorn. We're not a fairy godmother or anything." And then the unicorn and his ninja galloped away into the sunset.

And that is how Nick Punto came to be.

The End.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Wanted: One New Scapegoat.

I was a little sad to hear about Terry Ryan stepping down as GM. This is mostly because for the past several months I have gotten used to blaming pretty much everything that goes wrong in my life on good ol' TR.
The players look lackluster on the field, and we lose.....again? I blame Terry Ryan and that Castillo for Nada trade.

Traffic jam? Flooding? Obviously Terry Ryan's fault.

A bunch of quarters jammed in the Diet Coke machine at work? "Goddamn you Terry Ryan! How do you DO it?!"
So now what? I need a new scapegoat.

AND I have to learn a new GM's M.O. now. I think we all had TR figured out by now ("Yay young pitchers! Boo spending money on bats!"). So here's hoping Bill Smith has been practicing at being awesome and doesn't make me sad.

Monday, September 10, 2007

A boyfriend to start the series anyone?

It was a good game and by good, I mean nail-biting and nervous-making. I’m glad Boof got the win. Highlights of the game include Boof hitting David DeJesus and watching Nick Blackburn pitch. Jason Kubel tried super hard to join the ranks of "Back-to-Back Boyfriend" but just missed out to Justin Morneau. Sorry Kubel better luck next time.

[Boy]friends don't let friends get swept by Chicago.

And that is why Jason Kubel wins the Boyfriend of the Day award for yesterday. 4 RBI and a HR is a good way to do that. (Other boys, please take note of this.)

He has been trying really hard. And I'll admit, I don't always treat him right.

Poor Jason K.

To make it up to him, I DID recently spend WAY too much money on a Boof Bonser/Jason Kubel dual autograph card on ebay. I hope that helps.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Good Night and Good Luck

The game tonight has become an epic battle to see which team has the more terminal case of Suck, I believe.

But I have to work early in the a.m. and I'm exhausted.

I firmly believe that at some point tonight, one of these teams is going to slip up and accidentally win the game, against their best efforts. And the other team is going to narrowly grab defeat out of the jaws of victory.

Mostly out of habit, I hope we win.

Somebody wake me if we let a position player pitch or Santana pinch hits.

Playing for Pride?

Now that the end of the season is all but scripted out, here come all of the depressing interviews about the inevitability of a play-offs-less season.

You have Torii Hunter wishing Cleveland well and hoping "they bring it home to the Central."
-Um...how about NO. Maybe if we hadn't been wishing Cleveland well all friggin' season long, WE could be bringing it home to the Central. Personally, I hope the Cleveland Indians catch our Suck (I suspect it is an airborne illness lurking in the recycled Dome air) and are then completely and utterly humiliated. I also hope someone makes them all bleed. And someone hits Grady Sizemore in the face. And someone eats C.C. Sabathia (Roger Clemens looks like he might be that hungry....). And maybe Fausto Carmona and Alexi Casilla do some sort of weird Freaky Friday body switch thing. Karma is a bitch, Cleveland. Watch out.

And you have Michael Cuddyer explaining that if/when they are mathematically eliminated (it's pretty cute that he said "if") they will continue to play for pride, because they are all prideful guys.
-Oh. ......Kay. I mean, I'm GLAD that they have pride and all...but where has it been? Because we have kind of been baseball's bitch for most of the season here. Personally, I'd prefer it if they went out and played because gosh darn it, they just love to play baseball! Or maybe because they are making a helluva lot of cash to do so. Or maybe, just maybe, because we keep showing up and cheering and clapping for them.

Those Girls were just talking about the fact that there seemed to be a lot less fun this season. And maybe that is just because of the constant losing. But at some point you have to face that chicken or egg question. This year there was no nose-tapping, cute nicknames, or otherwise entertaining, encouraging and fan-pleasing camaraderie. There WAS some aesthetically unpleasing, but very fun, head-shaving, which, (ta-da!) led to at least a little bit of winning.

So, here's hoping that in the waning hours of the season, the Boys can find the fun again. We never lost it, so if y'all need help finding it, we'd be more than happy to discuss it over some Cotton Candy Milkshakes. Have your people call our people.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

I need to go to my Happy Place....

The end result today was 10lbs of suck in a 5lb sack.

I don't even really want to talk about it.

So I will talk about good, happy things from today.

  • Nick Blackburn was impressive. Things went south at the very end for him, but all in all, it was fun to watch him. He is equal parts "Adorable" and "Good at Baseball."
  • While we didn't produce many runs, our at-bats seemed a little more encouraging. People were at least hitting things. Sometimes.
  • Brian Buscher also had a good game. I like him more every game.
  • Until those three runs in the 9th, the game never felt completely hopeless. So many times this season, if the other team scores 2 or 3 runs early, the game seemed [and generally was] doomed right from the start. It was at least a little bit of fun being able to hope for a rally.
  • It was also nice saying goodbye and good riddance to Cleveland for the season. I wish our goodbye gift to them could have been a not so subtle ass-kicking.....but it wasn't to be. So I will settle for being able to sleep well tonight knowing that Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia and company won't be darkening our doorstep again for a good long time. And by then they will probably have remembered that they actually suck and will play accordingly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

It's too early for baseball.

NOON?!

And yet. Here we go. Off to the Dome.

After last night, I'm so bummed out it's hard to even be excited about it.

I hate Cleveland. I'm sick of them. I'm sick of Travis Hafner. I'm sick of Grady Sizemore. I'm sick of Fausto Carmona. I'm sick of all of them. I wish I had one of those little Boycott Barry blindfolds to wear during EVERY Cleveland at bat.



I tried to think of awesome signs to make for the game, but all of them seemed too mean. Like we need MORE bad karma.....

But my favorite idea was simply:

NO, GRADY SIZEMORE, WE WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!

Monday, September 3, 2007

I hate to beat a dead horse and all, but....

I really hate the Cleveland Indians.

I know I keep saying it.

But that's just because we keep playing them, and it keeps being true.

I get so angry and depressed and nauseous. It wouldn't be quite so bad if I could say "Hey...well....they are a really awesome team."

But I can't say that, because they are NOT. You don't even have to take my word for it....SI recently posted them as a "NOT" in their list of who is hot and who is NOT. They are certainly NOT a team that is awesome enough to beat Johan Santana all FIVE times this season.

It makes me want to throw up just typing it.

So what is the deal? Sure we've had a season-long case of The Suck....but for pete's sake, CHICAGO has beaten them two more games than we have. Kansas City has had more luck than we have, too.

Come ON.




If Cleveland ends up winning the division in spite of themselves, they owe us a big fat ol' Thank You note, because they certainly couldn't have done it without us.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

yuck.

Today was bad. Real bad.
1-8 to the Kansas City Royals bad.

For much of the afternoon, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

Repeatedly.
Oh Boof. Sometimes you hurt me in the heart.
Have you been playing hooky from your spinning class? Or are you spinning too fast, or something? Because something has gone terribly awry here.

I still love you though. Everyone has a bad day now and then. A REALLY, REALLY bad day. Shake it off. Try to forget about it. Please, I beg of you, be awesome next time.

Gardy has said that Boof will make his next scheduled start next Monday in Kansas City. Is it just me or does it seem like the MLB has suddenly been contracted to only include us, Cleveland and Kansas City? Seriously, this is getting a little old. I don't remember our end-of-the-season schedule being this monotonous and craptastic in a long while. I'm kind of over it.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

B.O.D.

I didn't see the game so I am going on what I've read. If you think I've made the wrong choice let me know. The Boyfriend of The Day is. . . . . Scotty Baker